Getting over it

[JJR70]

Greetings,

I was in a relationship for almost a year. It had been “strange” from the start, and became stranger as time passed. To make a long story short, and after beating myself up for “whatever,”we tried couples therapy- which helped a tiny bit. Then I decided to enter therapy myself (I’ve been in therapy before)and after being informed that my SO most likely has BPD, it became clear to me after a month that I had to end the relationship. I tried everything in my power to keep the peace and make things “sane.”

No matter what, there always seemed to be words or actions that would create an unpleasant environment. I don’t want to bad talk anyone- and just want to be at peace. It’s been 2 months since I went (no contact)-the end was relatively peaceful. I miss them immensely, at times they could be loving, comforting, extremely funny. Out of nowhere would come the splitting (I recently found out what this means) and there was no sanity. My ex is charismatic, has a lot of friends. I blame myself for some of the conflict. I hadn’t raised my voice or used any derogatory names- I would just want to stop talking or simply leave or try to leave when it seemed they were not happy w me.

Now, I’m lost, hurting and lonely, a deep loneliness, and at times think I may have an emotional disorder, even though my therapist informed me it’s not my fault.
I just want to feel better and sane and have closure.

Thx
      
J

[SinisterComplex]

Greetings,

I was in a relationship for almost a year. It had been “strange” from the start, and became stranger as time passed. To make a long story short, and after beating myself up for “whatever,”we tried couples therapy- which helped a tiny bit. Then I decided to enter therapy myself (I’ve been in therapy before)and after being informed that my SO most likely has BPD, it became clear to me after a month that I had to end the relationship. I tried everything in my power to keep the peace and make things “sane.”

No matter what, there always seemed to be words or actions that would create an unpleasant environment. I don’t want to bad talk anyone- and just want to be at peace. It’s been 2 months since I went (no contact)-the end was relatively peaceful. I miss them immensely, at times they could be loving, comforting, extremely funny. Out of nowhere would come the splitting (I recently found out what this means) and there was no sanity. My ex is charismatic, has a lot of friends. I blame myself for some of the conflict. I hadn’t raised my voice or used any derogatory names- I would just want to stop talking or simply leave or try to leave when it seemed they were not happy w me.

Now, I’m lost, hurting and lonely, a deep loneliness, and at times think I may have an emotional disorder, even though my therapist informed me it’s not my fault.
I just want to feel better and sane and have closure.

Thx
      
J

Welcome to the fam my friend. 

I can certainly get the feeling to want to feel better and sane for sure. I think most of us here can relate to that.

A couple things I want to touch on though...closure will come but it may take you some time. Closure is for you not something given to you by the other party always keep that in mind. Usually closure will come when you are truly ready to let go of the situation. So have the perspective that it is for you and it is whatever you want to make it. Easier said than done I know, but that is the best place to start.

Try not to put it in your head that you have a disorder. It is very easy to think that and believe that when we get hurt or when we deal with a truly disordered person. Crazy-making behavior makes other people crazy. However, I would listen to your therapist here. I suspect you do not have a disorder, but rather you are just truly hurt and wounded and need to go through the grief of everything.

With that said...please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Skip]

Now, I’m lost, hurting and lonely, a deep loneliness, and at times think I may have an emotional disorder, even though my therapist informed me it’s not my fault.
I just want to feel better and sane and have closure.

There is a lot to unpack in this sentence.  

Closure Leaving someone you love is very hard. In these cases, there is a deep emotional attachment with two heads - the "incredible loving" head and the "insensitive, angry, lost in my internal crisis" head. It's hard to reconcile the loss of what could have been - and you may never. Understanding and acceptance is a good place to seek. Keep talking about it. Keep working with your therapist. Give it time.

Fault Do most relationships succeed if the parties act appropriately? No. The vast majority of relationships fail. Period. They fail because of timing, growth, digression, impulsiveness, success, failure, smell, ugly car... Relationship are immensely fragile and winning at love is like winning a championship in football. Everything has to be aligned perfectly. Her fault? Your fault? It's not really something that needs to be determined. It's more important to recognize that the two of you couldn't work out - even after therapy. Things didn't line up.

Sure, we should learn from our failures and change. Fault is not part of that.

Emotional disorder Close to 30% of the population is dealing with something. She certainly had issues. Many of us do too. We often lose sight of the fact that "emotional conditions" are labeled so that they can be treated and in many cases resolved. They were not labeled to establish brokenness or inferiority. Maybe you do have an insecure attachment style. You also might be nearsighted. Both of these things are good to know and there are things you can do to correct them (e.g. eye glasses).

I hope this helps - can you tell us a bit more about your story?

[JJR70]

Thx Skip,
 I appreciate the feedback.
 Yes, maybe the word “fault” isn’t the best way to articulate my thoughts. I don’t like talking “about” people, especially in a negative way. It’s even difficult for me when in a therapy session, because the first thing I said to my therapist was “I’m not here to talk about other people” talking about others hasn’t ever made my life enriched or peaceful/ it’s just pointing fingers, blaming someone else for my condition. I gave a brief description of my circumstance to paint a picture of my situation.
 I often wonder why I didn’t leave the relationship earlier, or why my ex didn’t leave since I was apparently the problem.Yes, relationships are complex, and many end. This particular relationship had an unfamiliar element to it that I was unfamiliar with. So, the couples therapy did uncover some of this element, and it kinda felt like it was too late.
 My own therapy had me holding myself responsible and I was unsure what I was doing wrong to cause conflict in the relationship. I know I’m not perfect or close to it. The “strangeness-conflict” is something I could not successfully resolve or navigate.

[JJR70]

Skip,
 Me?
 I’ve been living a pretty healthy life, I’m more or less happy go lucky, and I’m constantly working on myself. I’ve been sober and in recovery most of my adult life- 26 yrs+
I’ve had relationships in the past, and even though they may not have lasted forever, I value each one, and haven’t had any “messed up endings” or anything. I went back to school in my early 30’s to finish a degree I had started in my 20’s. And completed a BA, went 1/2 way through grad school, never completed it though:(
I’m more an introvert and value friendship immensely.
 I am health conscious and after quitting smoking I began running and working out- 25yrs+
 I’m not saying I’m not without fault. I suffer from anger, jealousy, envy, sloth, and try to keep tabs on all this stuff so it’s not detrimental to my well being.
 I own a small buisness (father retired and I assumed ownership) have been doing the same type of work for 21 yrs.
J

[JJR70]

Thx Skip,
 I appreciate the feedback.
 Yes, maybe the word “fault” isn’t the best way to articulate my thoughts. It does make me wonder if the relationship could have worked minus the conflicts. I don’t like talking “about” people, especially in a negative way. It’s even difficult for me when in a therapy session, because the first thing I said to my therapist was “I’m not here to talk about other people” talking about others hasn’t ever made my life enriched or peaceful/ it’s just pointing fingers, blaming someone else for my condition. I gave a brief description of my circumstance to paint a picture of my situation.
 I often wonder why I didn’t leave the relationship earlier, or why my ex didn’t leave since I was apparently the problem.Yes, relationships are complex, and many end. This particular relationship had an unfamiliar element to it that I was unfamiliar with. So, the couples therapy did uncover some of this element, and it kinda felt like it was too late.
 My own therapy had me holding myself responsible and I was unsure what I was doing wrong to cause conflict in the relationship. I know I’m not perfect or close to it. The “strangeness-conflict” is something I could not successfully resolve or navigate.

[Skip]

This particular relationship had an unfamiliar element to it that I was unfamiliar with. So, the couples therapy did uncover some of this element...

What was the element?

[JJR70]

Well, at first it was complaints I didn’t text enough- even before our 1st date, then after our 1st date I didn’t text early enough in the morning, often enough.  then after I started texting more and more they kinda pushed me back, and wanted to do things without me, which is fine- it’s kinda how I wanted to do things to begin with- the text me text me call me see me all the time to a sudden “why are you up my ass” thing confused me.

[JJR70]

The couples therapist said nothing about BPD- just about abandonment issue w my ex.

[JJR70]

Skip,
 Thx for the feedback about relationships. I had discussed this issue w my ex, after the first few months that maybe we are not a good match, and that possibly we have different values and that what I see as a solid relationship and they see as a solid relationship may be two different things. We decided to continue despite this, and try to make it work. At times it was wonderful, then for some reason we could not even have an open flowing, playful conversation without some type of “issue” arising. I wish things could have been different.

[SinisterComplex]

Skip,
 Thx for the feedback about relationships. I had discussed this issue w my ex, after the first few months that maybe we are not a good match, and that possibly we have different values and that what I see as a solid relationship and they see as a solid relationship may be two different things. We decided to continue despite this, and try to make it work. At times it was wonderful, then for some reason we could not even have an open flowing, playful conversation without some type of “issue” arising. I wish things could have been different.

So you went for it and it didn't work out. That doesn't mean you failed though. Sometimes things are just not meant to be and that is okay. Hey there is plenty myself I wish could have gone different, but they didn't so you play the cards you are dealt and you move on and open yourself up to new experiences.

Plenty of things in life you will not be compatible with and you had to go through the process to find that out. So look at it as a positive and not a negative. Am I making sense for you? Trust me I know this all sounds good and it is much easier said than done, but once you can get to that point mentally and emotionally you will be much better off.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[JJR70]

Well, I’m kinda seeing this as just regular ole relationship advice. Which is ok. I know all about that stuff. The real way I feel is that I only ever heard of BPD 9 months into the relationship. Even during couples therapy it wasn’t mentioned. The last month I tried a few different things- and still did not mention to my ex that they may be afflicted w this, and it’s affecting our relationship. My therapist said “of course it didn’t work out, how could it.” So I’m not sure if the relationship would have worked regardless if BPD was active in either of us, I have to think it’s pretty much impossible for it to work in any relationship where there is a high level of BPD symptoms- without one or both of the people in the relationship becoming spiritually, emotionally and physically sick, and who can handle that without suffering severe consequences?

[kells76]

Well, I’m kinda seeing this as just regular ole relationship advice. Which is ok. I know all about that stuff.

I think you're picking up on something really important and true. There's a sense in which many of the "rules" are the same for both daily driving and professional auto racing. Keep your eyes on the road, keep your hands on the wheel, check your blind spots.

In daily driving, you might have more leeway if you forget to check your blind spot. In professional auto racing, if you don't check your blind spot, you could die in a fiery crash.

For example, validation is critical in all relationships, not just BPD relationships. In "regular" relationships, though, partners likely have more bandwidth for "validation failures". Repair can happen. In BPD relationships, missing a validation opportunity doesn't lead to calm discussion of hurts, followed by appropriate repair -- it's the fiery crash.

It's kind of like how pwBPD aren't experiencing some totally different human experience than we are. We've all experienced emotional dysregulation, we've all experienced overwhelming emotions.

The difference isn't in the what, it's in the intensity. Same with car racing -- you're driving a car just like commuting... but in a much more intense context with less room for "normal" error.

My therapist said “of course it didn’t work out, how could it.” So I’m not sure if the relationship would have worked regardless if BPD was active in either of us, I have to think it’s pretty much impossible for it to work in any relationship where there is a high level of BPD symptoms- without one or both of the people in the relationship becoming spiritually, emotionally and physically sick, and who can handle that without suffering severe consequences?

It would be challenging for a relationship to be actually healthy (normal range health) when untreated and more intensely symptomatic BPD is involved.

Persons with untreated BPD can remain in relationships for many years -- however longevity of relationship does not equate to actual health of relationship. So while my husband's kids' mom (uBPD) has been married to her husband (uNPD) for over a decade, the relationship has been extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy nearly the entire time. They are still married "on paper" but he has a girlfriend.

Untreated BPD often has more overt symptoms/behaviors than BPD being treated, and because one way of thinking about BPD is that it's a relational disorder (i.e. the disorder is most pronounced not when the individual is alone in a room, but in and through the relationships the pwBPD has, especially the closest ones), it makes a lot of sense that the more quantity and intensity of symptoms are present, the more impact the disorder will have on the relationship.

So, yes, generally speaking, it is difficult for a relationship to healthily work out when untreated BPD is in the mix.

That being said, BPD is a spectrum disorder, so you will find one end of the spectrum where technically the pwBPD is untreated, but the relationship is "workable enough". That is generally due to personal work by the nonBPD (individual therapy, support groups, learning new clinically based tools/approaches, etc), and the relative mildness of symptoms of that pwBPD.

The real way I feel is that I only ever heard of BPD 9 months into the relationship. Even during couples therapy it wasn’t mentioned.

Do you wish you had heard about it sooner?

...

At times it was wonderful, then for some reason we could not even have an open flowing, playful conversation without some type of “issue” arising. I wish things could have been different.

That makes sense. It sounds like a real loss -- what could have been for her and for you, if the disorder wasn't so inhibiting and impactful. I think something really hard about BPD is grieving the absence of who the person could've been -- except they are still alive. Really painful.

[JJR70]

Thx Kells76!
Yes, I definitely wish I heard of/found out that BPD is possibly what threw a monkey wrench in the relationship, except here the monkey wrench is full of grease and impossibly to get a hold of, and just keeps slipping and slipping into chaos.
 I wish I could help, I wish they wanted help, I hope they get well, whether I’m in their life or not, it’s painful to know this has happen to them before and may happen again. Intellectually I understand what I feel, emotionally I don’t, I’m still feeling aftershocks. Im working on things.

[seekingtheway]

Hi JJR70,

It sounds like you're still stuck in a lot of grief and sadness about the way things went, and that is very understandable and can be quite the process to move through. But reading between the lines, I wonder if you're still feeling a lot of confusion from some of the dynamics within the relationship, and you haven't yet been able to decipher whether it was BPD that was adding to the difficulty, or whether you have your own dysfunctional dynamics that were causing problems (though it sounds like your therapist has tried to assure you it's not you), or whether it was just incompatibility.

I think these are very normal thoughts and wonderings to sit with, and it can help to pick some of these things apart a little bit, so that you can feel more sure of what was actually happening and find some peace in logically understanding it a bit more. It can help to write these things out yourself in a journal, talk it through with a therapist, or even write things out here and we can help you dig into a few things if that would help? Yes, all failed relationships will hurt and involve incompatibilities in some way, but a failed relationship with someone with BPD can also add layers of difficulty and some more specific scars - confusion, shock, trauma from mistreatment, and some cognitive dissonance as you try to pick apart who the real person is underneath the BPD behaviours.

With my relationship with my ex, he was never diagnosed, but I knew quite quickly that something was going on that made it very different to any relationship I'd ever been in, and more and more things would come out over time that further strengthened my belief it was BPD. My psychologist said she believes he fits the criteria entirely, which also reassured me this is what was going on, but I still have (many) moments of thinking along the lines of, What the hell just happened there???

One of the things that was different was the moments of conflict. It's almost like we entered a Bermuda Triangle, the conversations were confusing and circular, and he would take issue with the smallest things, including many things that hadn't actually happened, and were just his perceptions of things. I normally keep quite a straight head on me during conflict - I am able to access my thoughts and feelings and express them fairly easily, but, in this relationship, and over time, it became harder for me to keep hold of that rationality. Things were twisted, created out of nowhere, and escalated beyond my belief... and no matter how skillful I was at trying to keep things on the ground, I couldn't. So many days that started out wonderfully, blew up into something different, and I felt powerless to stop it. And in fact, I WAS powerless to stop it.

I may be off, but a few of your comments made me wonder if you went through something similar?

[JJR70]

STW,
 Yes, the Bermuda Triangle is a good description!!
The endless loops- and if it did look like it would end, another variable would be introduced out of no where- and again the loop of confusion and chaos. The never ending breakup/makeup cycle. It totally exhausted me, body and spirit.
If I thought we were good, 5-10 seconds is all it took to have me thinking “not again.” I’ve gone over my part, and talked about it, it seems I’m not perfect, who is, but I am capable of a sane, healthy relationship, and know the difference when it’s not sane and healthy.

[seekingtheway]

I think there's something to be gained with just sitting with that one sentiment that you just expressed - it was constant loops of confusion and chaos - and understanding that of course you're going to be feeling the way you feel now, and you probably feel that way for a little while.

It's almost like you've been through a dozen spins in the wash cycle, and then when you're spat out the other side, it's almost impossible to stand steady on the ground. You need time to reorient yourself to the world, to other people and to yourself.

I also had many of those moments with my ex, where I just couldn't believe that something had just been created out of seemingly nowhere. I think for me, the hardest part was not just the shifting moods, but it was the denial of his shifting moods, and his attempt to project his difficult feelings onto me that caused a lot of confusion.

An example of our Bermuda Triangle looked like him falling into a dark mood about something small I'd said, or maybe a tone I'd said it in, go silent for an hour or two (clearly extremely dysregulated), and then when he'd start coming out of whatever he was feeling, he would ask me what had been wrong with me, and why I'd been quiet, and totally deny he had a problem, and then start asking why I feel the need to talk about everything if I replied to him. The conversation would then start going to weird places as I'd try and respond without upsetting him, but also trying not to allow him to project his own mood onto me.

We also did a chaotic back and forth dance that caused a lot of damage... to both of us I imagine. And that is taking a lot of time for me to heal.

How long has it been since you broke up? Did you have many break-up/make-up cycles within the year you were together?

[JJR70]

STW,
 Yes, we had many bu/mu cycles. And it’s been a little more than 2 months.
 I don’t like to talk about anyone behind their back- I don’t think k it’s fair to anyone, nor healing to anyone. I think I may need to just reflect and accept from here on out.
J

[seekingtheway]

Totally understandable and fair. We all have different ways of healing and processing, and that needs to be respected.

I identify with not wanting to talk badly about your ex, after all this is someone you loved and cared about, no matter how it ended. For some, it helps to talk things out to find clarity and understanding, but as you mention, I think we are all ultimately trying to journey towards that place of acceptance. I think there’s a lot of peace to be found once we get there.