7 years since my last post

[nona]

I stopped coming here because I needed the energy to build a life. Living here on this forum and in the BPD story had become my life. Coming here and staying here saved my life.

I felt like I needed a break. I have built a new life. But I slowly dropped using the tools and became complacent.

What a relief to be able to come back here. I am still "Nona". And to see the familiar names who helped me along before. I can laugh today. I could not laugh when I left. Thank You.

When I first opened the forum I could only read ForeverDad's political observations. It seems our current society mimics my life living with BPDs. Since I last posted "narcissist" has become a common term. When I left, we could not use the word in social media or we were cancelled. It was taboo LOL. In reflection some things HAVE changed.

And some things have not. I am still Nona. I will always have to use these tools. I almost forgot.

Since I left;

1) My uBPDp now has terminal cancer. In  isolation and amnesia, I let her back in my life.  I work as a palliative care nurse, so it was a perfect fit. Until I got a good reminder over Thanksgiving and have been in the FOG since. Until this morning I re-membered and came here. We have not spoken since Thanksgiving. She uses facebook as her audience and is practicing Love Bombing Queen on Facebook, while private messaging me toxic hate memes. I only peek occasionally for validation. I am considering continuing no-contact.

2) My daughter who was parental alienated since the day she was born by her BPD father is almost 22. I learned validation when she was a teen and I have applied only Validation since.
I stopped fighting, resisting, trying to get out any truth. It stopped the bleeding. It took us off the hook somehow. or it took ME off the hook. She lived with her father through high school. We had visitation. Validation preserved our love which was always there and will always be. Talking about anything that happened/happens with her BPDdad is taboo and grounds for much pain, so we don't "go there". She lived independently for 3-4 years, but is back in his basement as a young adult due to economics. We facetime every few days. She telles me "everything" except about her father and her relationship with him. I take her on exotic vacations. She spent a summer in the Mediterranean solo travel. She is in a serious relationship with what looks like a normal boy. She is very much like me. Only an advanced version. She does not appear co-dependent that I can see. She is not a "helper" type. So we are limited. And stuck at this stage.

Last December I took daughter21 to  Mexico with a female friend of mine.

On the last day of our vacation Daughter21 stated " I just spent 10 days travelling with Dad. While I was with him we went over all the divorce papers, affidavits, etc on his phone, I have been in therapy and I want to know everything. You have to tell me everything".

She was able to triangulate my poor unknowing friend into supporting her. "Tell her everything" my friend insisted. This continued for an entire day. I resisted.

I responded with. "Iam so sorry to hear that happened to you. I don't think it's appropriate. You were/are an innocent child. Our dysfunctional high conflict marriage and divorce is our problem, and our business. I don't believe this is the way for you to heal what happened to you as a result. On vacation in Mexico without support.   I decided that saving those papers was toxic for me and serves no use, and I burned them all years ago. I'd be happy to follow up with therapy and in a supportive environment." She cancelled our Christmas plans and arranged a plan to support her adult self with friends and her therapist. We have not followed up on that conversation. She is still living in BPDdad's basement. We continue to travel together, I validate. We keep our silence about the past and just love on each other. Travel, Shop, eat, spas, kindness. I will travel next month to her. We have a 4 day holiday planned around some serious medical specialist visits. She has medical problems. BPDdad is a doctor and controls much still. But mama is going to the specialist visit. I was deemed munschausen mom through the divorce when she was 8-13. She has only been allowed medical care by BPDdad after the divorce. This is where we are still today.

3) The wreckage continues on other fronts. uBPDdadx managed to become best friends with my Son#1 (he was 24 when I married uBPDx married to uBPDdil.)  I have been cancelled by Son#1 and his wife, have not been allowed any contact with Son#1 or  my 3 grandchildren in 7-8 years. Son#1 has recently went trans.
He lives a few blocks from me. I see them occasionally driving. I use detachment. Pray alot and send love.

So I am back. Reading the tools. Love your input XO






 

[nona]

Some background :

After the divorce when Daughter21 was 13. She was week on week off back and forth. She said

"Mom; is dad a psychopath?"

"what makes you ask that"

"remember the show I had you watch last week about the psychopath?

"yes, why?"

"well, is he? because he acts like one. Ive looked it all ups.. He does all the behaviors to me."

"He has no formal diagnosis, but if you tell the RCMP and child protection we can leave and not live like this anymore."

"No Mom. You need to leave. Save yourself, Look what he has done to you. You need to get away. YOU can get a new husband and get a new life"

"but what about you, baby?"

"He must never know that I know. look what he did to you ! If he know I know he will do the same thing to me, and I cant bear that. He's MY Dad! I cant get another Dad."

The next day I asked to follow up on the conversation. Daughter denied the bouve conversation and I have never mentioned it. ONLY VALIDATION. It has saved the love. But no honest conversations about the past/pain.

[ForeverDad]

Somehow I missed your posts last month. So sorry. How about...