Nervous

[StayingHopeful37]

My daughter is 20 and in college. She was diagnosed last January. Last year, on Christmas Eve, she blew up and had her new bf drive nine hours to come "rescue her". I really don't know where it came from, but it was one of the hardest moments of my life. Since then, she has been on medication and we Snap several times a day. Our relationship has been friendly and "close". She came up for Thanksgiving, and we only had one blow up. It was awkward though. I could tell she was trying. It was like she didn't know what to do with herself. She really tried to make things as normal as she could. I recently found out that she found her biological mom, she and her sister were adopted at ten and seven. She has been in contact since October, but never mentioned it to me. It's her life. It just struck me as odd that she is adamant that she ALWAYS tells me "everything". Now I wonder if she has told me anything, or if she just tells me what she thinks I want to hear. She pays for rent, food, and gas at an apartment. She seems to be doing a good job with that. We pay for her car, insurance, health insurance, and phone. I am at the point where I am wondering if she is just "keeping me happy" so we will keep paying for her things? She doesn't talk with my husband/her dad much. He would rather not deal with everything. She says she's incredibly close with her sister, but they never talk. She is coming home for Christmas, and I am wondering why. It's sad to say that, but she hasn't talked with me for a week. I know that's not a long time, but it was after the conversation we had about her finding her birth family. She had told her sister, a minor, how to get in touch with them without involving us. Her sister and I are super good. We talked about how she wanted to proceed and let her know we are here for her. Her sister told me today that she wishes she wouldn't come home. I was really surprised. That is very unlike her. I think she just recognizes how uncomfortable/not we all become. It's no one's fault. We all try our best. I don't really know what I'm asking. I guess I'm just talking.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi StayingHopeful37
There’s a lot going on for you at the moment and it’s good to put things down – out of the roundabout that goes around in our minds.

It really is difficult when you find out someone you are close to has had a ‘secret’ for some time and it does make you wonder if there is anything else you don’t know about or if what you are told is totally correct.

Thinking about this makes me feel that these sorts of situations are a bit different somehow. I think the nature of relationships in any adoption/fostering situation can be difficult in relation to biological parents – and much more so when someone has BPD.

I can imagine a BPD young person trying to weave a way through this while at the same time being so vulnerable to ‘abandonment’ issues. I think I am trying to say that I would not think too much about the fact that your DD made contact without you knowing.

I would also not be too concerned that DD is just ‘keeping you happy’ so you pay for things. I think you have done an amazing job with your daughter evidenced by the fact that she is in college, she is paying her way, and doesn’t seem to be pounding you with tall tales and true to get money – as my DD does! Your DD seems to be able to stick to the agreement you came to and keeps her end of the bargain.

There is a lot to be thankful for – the fact that DD is now on medication is another good thing because it can lessen the side symptoms of BPD and raise the bar at which they are triggered.

The issue at the moment is anxiety about Christmas gathering. You have probably gathered by reading the posts here that these times are often when the stress is too much for the emotional rollercoaster of BPD and it all breaks out!

There was a great post here a short while back where the family of a bpd adult child were working on how to ‘make it work’ for the bpd one so that they didn’t lose it etc and then feel bad about losing it.

They worked out several things they could do including:
Shortening the timeframe: they realised that holding things together for a long time was very stressful for the person so they made it shorter
Taking turns to engage: instead of more ‘general’ chat, they would engage one-to- one
Keeping things low key

It is pretty natural that you and your other DD are feeling anxious and this will build up. Personally I think BPD folk pick up on this and become slightly on ‘high alert’ for interpreting anything as a criticism of themselves.

The calmer you can be can be the best opportunity for things to go smoothly. Decide also to keep that calm even if DD does get triggered and ‘explodes’. If you hold off from engaging it can give the person time for their emotions to settle; engage and they will increase often.

All this is easy to say, not so easy to do. The situation is challenging, but there are many positive things happening that I think are due to the care and love you have given your daughters.