CC43
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 588
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« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2024, 01:37:46 PM » |
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Hi Winter,
You must be worried sick. It's so hard knowing how to deal with someone who seems to be on the brink of suicide.
You stated that your adult daughter is "back" home, so am I right in thinking that she tried independent living, struggled, gave up (probably impulsively) and came back to the parental home? Is she in her mid-20s? In my experience with a stepdaughter with BPD, the early to mid-20s was a very difficult time, because she was bumping up against adult responsibilities and realities, but she still only had the emotional skills of a child. I think that her emotional age is really only about 70% of her chronological age. Thus at 22, she was effectively operating as a 15-year-old girl, emotionally speaking. What does that look like? Think impatience, distress intolerance, over-the-top emotional reactions, impulsivity, petulance, tantrums, misreading situations, short-sightedness and the silent treatment. Does that sound about right? If you add in a romantic interest and/or a breakup, it could seem to be the "end of the world" for her, and her conclusions are that "I'll never find love" and "I'm unlovable." If she's thinking about her future, she's scared, anxious and confused . . . and likely wants to regress to the simpler times of childhood. She's so scared that she avoids planning for the future at all. Avoidance is one of her main coping tactics. She might retreat to more childish activities. As an example, she's drawn to movies that are geared towards a tween or teen audience.
A pernicious feature of BPD is the victim attitude. Because her core disposition is volatile and negative, she tends to perceive everything in an overly negative light, and she's prone to see slights and insults everywhere. When she encounters a problem, her emotional response is overpowering, and she can't handle it. To cope, she'll turn around and blame others for causing her problems. Oftentimes she'll re-write history and distort facts to make herself out to be a victim. She might ruminate obsessively over her manufactured grievances. She's consumed with thoughts of a traumatic past, and she holds onto grudges like her life depends on it. That's one reason why it's hard for her to even think about the future. And since her identity is so wrapped up in being the girl who suffered countless abuses, it's very hard for her to move on. After all, shedding this narrative means she sheds her identity. If she's not the poor little abused girl, who is she? That's why I think her identity is a fragile and nebulous one. Does that ring true to you?
I'm writing all this as a backdrop to explaining the suicidal thoughts, at least what I could gather from the experience of my BPD stepdaughter, who attempted suicide multiple times. Basically, her descent into depression and suicidal thoughts began when she tried adulting and failed at it (about the same time, she started self-medicating with marijuana). She couldn't cope at college, given the more complex social environment and increased academic rigor. Her failures were a clearly a huge disappointment, and they hurt her social status, too. Being so fragile, she surely thought her life was over, and she made an attempt. That landed her back home. Once home, she began to re-write history. She accused roommates, a boyfriend, parents, siblings and extended family of all sorts of abuse. At first I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but over time I found her fact patterns to be highly distorted. She had a tendency to "project" her negative feelings onto others, blaming them for her own poor decisions. While her stories might not have been reality, her feelings were very real, and very black. She'd lash out at everyone in anger. She lost all of her friends because of this, and she became estranged from most of her family. Meanwhile, she was miserable living in the parental home, sleeping all day, not sharing meals with the family and living in a mess. After languishing for months, we insisted that she start working part-time, but she'd typically work one or two days and then impulsively give up. That led to more failures and more suicide attempts. Sound familiar?
Anyway, you ask, should she visit a boyfriend? My thinking is that it depends. When my stepdaughter retreated to the parental home and was in full avoidance mode, she was basically rotting in bed. We wanted her to get therapy, but she resisted for a time. We wanted her to get a job, but she resisted that too. Of course, when there was something fun she wanted to do--like Spring Break--she wanted to go. At first my husband let her, because it's hard to say no, because when she didn't get what she wanted, she threatened suicide. So saying yes was seen as a way to keep her alive. But do you know what happened? She wasn't well, and her trips would provoke a crisis. In addition, she learned that she could get her way by threatening suicide. I called that phase "going nuclear." She became an emotional terrorist in our home.
I guess what I'm saying is that, if your daughter is making progress at home, like getting therapy regularly, or taking an online class, or working part-time and/or doing some chores, then she might be "on track" towards getting better. If that's the case, then maybe a trip would be a good thing, a little vacation, with the expectation that she'd resume her commitments upon her return. But if she's in your home, rotting in bed, refusing therapy, consuming illicit substances, not making progress in studies or work, acting out, and wanting to see the boyfriend to escape her life, she's not "on track". I'd say, her life is in danger, and she needs to prioritize her mental health right now, before she runs off somewhere in her very fragile state. Look, if you are supporting her, you have some control, and she needs you. You might fear that if you say, "No," she'll threaten suicide. Well that is her choice, but she's playing with her life, and that type of reaction would convince me that a trip is absolutely not appropriate right now, because she needs to get some help. If she actually attempts suicide, then you should take her directly to the hospital (even if she says she doesn't want to go). That's probably the only way she'll get the help she needs.
You can be the judge of what is "on track" vs. what is not. I'd just caution to take baby steps, especially when BPD suicidal ideation is involved. Again, if you think of your mid-20s(?) daughter as only 15-17 years old emotionally speaking, then you might need to lower your expectations for her in terms of "adulting," at least at first. Maybe focusing exclusively on therapy or cutting out illicit substances would be a start. Then you might add an online class or easy part-time work, like dog walking. That's to ensure your daughter can really commit to the therapy she needs. My stepdaughter took baby steps at first, and then she got some momentum going and really accelerated after that. A whole lot of progress can be made in a year or two. My stepdaughter has really turned her life around, after putting in the work of therapy and making some changes. She's still immature and fragile, and she still hasn't repaired some key relationships yet, but we're not fearing for her life every day now. She seems much more stable and less self-sabotaging. I have hope that she'll make a decent life for herself.
All my best to you.
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