Adult daughter with bps traits

[Lu81]

Hi,

My daughter has six of the nine traits of someone with BPD.  We adopted her as an infant, and she had what I would consider a stable and loving home with a mom, dad, and older sister who was also adopted.  At age 5  she was screened for ADD/ADHD.  The screening did not indicate a concern. 

As a teenager, she frequently questioned our family’s decisions.   Sometimes her anger was explosive.  At school she had many friends, and usually a boyfriend.  She graduated high school and earned her undergraduate degree. 

She has known since childhood that she was adopted.  At 26, she expressed an interest with meeting her biological parents, and we helped with the process.   After meeting them, she has kept in contact with them.  She feels more connected to the biological father. 

The concerning behaviors started when she was about 24. She became suicidal when her boyfriend broke up with her.  We found psychiatrists and counselors.  They prescribed an antidepressant and something for anxiety.  She didn’t want to try this route, so stuck with the counseling.   That seemed to help. 

After doing her own research, she determined that she was autistic.  She found an evaluator who confirmed the condition.  Her behaviors, however, indicate a different condition.  She doesn’t share the evaluation. 

Here are the behaviors we find concerning:   Explosive episodes where she blames us (me, my husband, our other daughter, and son-in-law) for triggering her.  The argument is usually something minor like when a child should be allowed to wear dangling earrings.  Recently, this argument occurred in front of our 2 and 7 year old grandchildren.  It was awful.  Our son-in-law has a way of irritating her.  He can say inappropriate things which doesn’t help our situation. 

Other concerning behaviors include her frequently blaming me and my husband for random things.  She has also distanced herself from friends telling me that they are not meeting her expectations.  She rarely eats, but when she does it’s usually not healthy food.  She frequently smokes marijuana.  If I question her about the frequency, she explodes and tells me it’s to treat her autism.  She works remotely in marketing (I’m not getting much information about her job).   She has had many jobs since her graduation, and she usually says that her supervisors are incompetent. 

Sometimes she stays with her boyfriend, but mostly she lives with us.  We walk on eggshells.   Recently I went to see a psychologist I really respect to discuss all this.  While she made it clear she can’t diagnose without seeing the patient, she did tell me the behaviors are like that of a bpd.  She recommended I read “Stop Walking on Eggshells” which I’m doing. 

The problem is she won’t seek help.  She says that counselors don’t understand her and she doesn’t want to take medications.  It’s been exhausting.  I would really like to connect with someone who can identify with my situation.   Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Cpv]

Hello, yes, I can relate. Our daughter, age 33, was recently diagnosed with BPD. It’s been difficult(to say the least) since she was a teen. We support her to live on her own, but I question that decision all of the time. The most important thing to me is for her to get treatment, which she is. I wish I could tell you everything is better, but it’s not, it’s a long road. The book you plan to read is very good, but I got a bit lost in the very detailed parts. I’m learning some emotional limits to have with her. I’m accepting that I can’t control this. She wants to get better and live her life, but is avoiding some of the hard work that requires. Take care of yourself, and live the rest of your life too. It helps me to remember this is only part of my life, I’ve got so many other good things to appreciate. I wish you well. Take care.

[Lu81]

Thank you so much for reaching out to me.  It helps to know that someone else can understand this very difficult condition and how it effects the family.  Thinking of you.