He’s got to go

[JMD]

Our 29 yr old son with BPD has moved in with us temporarily and the anxiety is killing us! We are reluctant to ask him to leave but know for our own well being we have to…. We are scared as to what will happen when he is out on his own again! He won’t seek therapy for DPT because “he already knows all about it”. He sees a psychiatrist for meds . Is sober at our home but know he will be back at it when on his own! Any advice is so appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi JMD
What a difficult situation - one that so many of us here are faced with. There doesn't seem to be any formula for this. What do you say, how do you go about it? How do you cope with the reaction? How do you cope with worrying when DS does move?

The only thing I can suggest is trying to find a REASON why he needs to move - one that will not be pointing to him being unbearable to live with etc.

Can you think of anything?

New Year might be a time when you could talk about what changes you need to make this coming year. Perhaps mentioning that you need to know that he is settled in his own place etc because you worry about this not happening?

Does he have a friend that you can trust that could be proactive in suggesting he move out?

I am clutching at straws here. I do think that finding something that the other person can connect to can be very helpful.

This might be a good time to bring the issue up though because there is always a sense of 'I'm going to make these changes in the New Year' at this time. Perhaps it could be a step by step plan that you work on together?

[CC43]

Hi JMD,

I can relate to having an adult child with BPD moving in and making the home life absolutely miserable.  Did your son move in because of a failure to live independently?  What happened, if you're willing to share?  If he failed, does he blame it all on you?

Is he using illicit drugs in your home?  If so, my opinion is that you need to establish a firm boundary here.  In my experience, illicit drug use (including marijuana which is not prescribed) make BPD behaviors much worse, including delusions and paranoia.  I think you should insist that no illicit drug use is allowed in your home.  You can't control what goes on outside your home, but you can and do control what goes on within it.  Is he violent in your home?  I think that no violence should be a firm boundary, too.  You wouldn't allow a stranger to use drugs or commit violence in your home, and the rules should be the same for your son.

It can be really tough for a young adult to feel like he's failing at "adulting."  Though the stigma of living with parents is fading, I think it can still be a blow, socially and emotionally speaking.  If your son was used to doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted when he was on his own, facing some restrictions in someone else's house can feel like a huge imposition.  He could resent you for making him feel so dependent on you, and at the same time, he resents you telling him what to do and being too controlling.  Does he insist that he's a grown man, and you can't tell him what to do?  If he's saying that, deep inside he probably feels infantile.  It's really hard to live with parents again, because he feels like a child under your roof.  And yet, he may show signs of regressing to a childish role, by resisting working, or helping out, or paying rent, or even acting in a civil or appreciative manner.  Does he act extremely entitled?  If he does, I'd say he's acting like a child, because that's exactly how he feels.

Since you say he moved in with you "temporarily," maybe you work out with him a timeline for his departure.  You spin it like this:  your son had a rough patch, and he's staying with you for a short time to get back on his feet.  You could say that it's really best for him to be on his own again.  He's a grown man, he doesn't really want to live in your house--he wants a place of his own.  If you state it this way, he might be motivated to leave.  Maybe you offer to help to get him started.  You could offer to accompany him when he looks for places, or help him with the move, or help him with the first and last months' rent.  Does he have a job?  He needs to get a job, any job, to start to feel like he's responsible.  He might need some social assistance, but unless he's severely handicapped, I think he should be working, at least part-time.  Is he getting therapy?  If he's not employed, and if he's not on track towards creating an independent life for himself, then he likely needs therapy to help him get back on track.  In this scenario, he can stay with you long as he commits to therapy, and until he's stabilized.

You might say, CC43, we've tried all that already, and he's rebounded AGAIN.  Nothing we do seems to work.  He thinks therapy is stupid and skips sessions.  And with repeated failures, he's losing hope, and we are too.  He's getting meaner, and we're exhausted, and we can't bear the status quo.  I'd say, but he's still only 29.  He can turn things around.  But maybe he has to hit bottom before he admits he needs to get help.  He's too busy now blaming YOU for all his problems.  And you're busy reeling from his outbursts and trying not to trigger him again.  If that's the scenario, and he won't behave in a way that convinces you he's on a path to getting better, you might have to kick him out, because the status quo isn't working.  For as long as he stays with you, he has you to blame for his dysfunction.  Only if he's on his own will he eventually realize, he's the one to blame, and he's the one who needs to get some help.  Then you have a little leverage:  you will help him as you are able, but only if he commits to therapy.  If not, he's on his own.  It's entirely his choice.

There IS help for people with BPD, particularly DBT therapy.  And if there are co-existing conditions like anxiety or depression, medications can help with that.

All my best to you.  I know this is really hard, especially around the holidays.

[JMD]

Thank you CC43 for all your advice… He has a full time job, car etc. He’s waiting for his yearly review to see how much of a raise he gets that will determine where he moves or if he changes jobs. He just finished his masters so he’s motivated and very smart. He’s just so self destructive. Not violent and no drugs in the house. We drug test him. It is just frightening to know when he does move out all the bad choices will start again. I do Smart recovery and know I can only control what’s in my hula hoop not his…. I guess I just needed to vent and I so appreciate your counsel!

[JMD]

Sancho, thank you for your advice…. He will move out that’s not the problem…. It’s what’s on the other side of that when he does that paralyzes me… he has a good job, no friends though. He cuts them off pretty fast. BPD trait I know. He will be back to his same habits as soon as he leaves our home which is terrifying. He’s a grown man and I can’t make him do therapy or stay sober knowing all this but that Mom thing gets in the way! ;)