Olive Branch Denied :(

[Parents! Get help here!]

Since my first post, there has still been no communication with SS (step son) and DH.  DH has reached out to him a number of times via text to extend olive branches in hopes of kick starting some kind of communication.  These "olive branches" are simple messages such as "I hope all is well and I love you".  With no responses at all.  It really hurts DH and hurts me to see him hurt, but also angers me as well - which I try to keep to myself.

Two weeks before Christmas, DH and I were talking about the situation - SS cut off all communication with DH back in September due to a gift DH wanted to give our grandson (see previous post for details).  DIL is the one with BPD and seems to have complete control of SS - we decided to try and reach out to both SS and DIL to invite them to Christmas dinner.  On behalf of DH and I, I sent SS and DIL a message letting them know that we missed them and our grandson, that we'd like to bury the hatchet so to speak and if they were able, to join us for Christmas dinner.  The response we received was from DIL stating that SS could not be reached via messenger and that she was responding for both of them, that although she was liked our intentions, that she and SS were not "mentally prepared to deal with us", that they would be declining the invitation and that SS will reach out when and if so chooses and merry christmas. 

Although I wasn't totally shocked by the dismissive answer, her words "deal with us" were not appreciated - like we are the bad guys, and did something wrong (which we didn't) - and just angered DH more towards her. 

This has been going on now for a few months, the longest DH and his son have ever gone without speaking to each other (they used to speak on an almost daily basis before this).  My worry is that the longer this goes on, the more irreparable damage it is doing.  That it also makes it harder for SS to come back from because the ball is totally in his court.  DH will continue to send regular texts to say how much he loves him but that's all that DH can do. 

DH already was not a fan of DIL before this happened, and now, well, he despises DIL for what she has done to make his own son turn against him so completely.  As previously mentioned, SS is not who he used to be.  He used to love working in the flooring business. Now he no longer works.  Just like her.  So she has him at home with her 24/7.

His younger half sister (18 yrs old) lives in the same town as him and she was riding her bike down a street that she didn't realize was the street he lives on, and saw him outside his house.  She stopped and surprised him.  Said hi to him, he said hi back and said he had to go inside the house for something and never came back out, leaving her there.  His own half sister that he doesn't even see often. 

As his step mom, he and I had a good relationship.  And I've tried to be as empathetic as possible for his situation with his wife.  But to just cut off all ties to his father.  To do that to his half sister.  I don't even know who he is anymore.  It angers me.  It saddens me.  And it leaves a deep disappointment in his actions (or non-actions now). 

DH has recently said that he isn't going to chase him.  That he's an adult and makes his own choices.  That it's time to stop moping about it and to continue to live our lives as best as we can in spite of this. 

[Uddermudder123]

Since my first post, there has still been no communication with SS (step son) and DH.  DH has reached out to him a number of times via text to extend olive branches in hopes of kick starting some kind of communication.  These "olive branches" are simple messages such as "I hope all is well and I love you".  With no responses at all.  It really hurts DH and hurts me to see him hurt, but also angers me as well - which I try to keep to myself.

Two weeks before Christmas, DH and I were talking about the situation - SS cut off all communication with DH back in September due to a gift DH wanted to give our grandson (see previous post for details).  DIL is the one with BPD and seems to have complete control of SS - we decided to try and reach out to both SS and DIL to invite them to Christmas dinner.  On behalf of DH and I, I sent SS and DIL a message letting them know that we missed them and our grandson, that we'd like to bury the hatchet so to speak and if they were able, to join us for Christmas dinner.  The response we received was from DIL stating that SS could not be reached via messenger and that she was responding for both of them, that although she was liked our intentions, that she and SS were not "mentally prepared to deal with us", that they would be declining the invitation and that SS will reach out when and if so chooses and merry christmas. 

Although I wasn't totally shocked by the dismissive answer, her words "deal with us" were not appreciated - like we are the bad guys, and did something wrong (which we didn't) - and just angered DH more towards her. 

This has been going on now for a few months, the longest DH and his son have ever gone without speaking to each other (they used to speak on an almost daily basis before this).  My worry is that the longer this goes on, the more irreparable damage it is doing.  That it also makes it harder for SS to come back from because the ball is totally in his court.  DH will continue to send regular texts to say how much he loves him but that's all that DH can do. 

DH already was not a fan of DIL before this happened, and now, well, he despises DIL for what she has done to make his own son turn against him so completely.  As previously mentioned, SS is not who he used to be.  He used to love working in the flooring business. Now he no longer works.  Just like her.  So she has him at home with her 24/7.

His younger half sister (18 yrs old) lives in the same town as him and she was riding her bike down a street that she didn't realize was the street he lives on, and saw him outside his house.  She stopped and surprised him.  Said hi to him, he said hi back and said he had to go inside the house for something and never came back out, leaving her there.  His own half sister that he doesn't even see often. 

As his step mom, he and I had a good relationship.  And I've tried to be as empathetic as possible for his situation with his wife.  But to just cut off all ties to his father.  To do that to his half sister.  I don't even know who he is anymore.  It angers me.  It saddens me.  And it leaves a deep disappointment in his actions (or non-actions now). 

DH has recently said that he isn't going to chase him.  That he's an adult and makes his own choices.  That it's time to stop moping about it and to continue to live our lives as best as we can in spite of this. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Uddermudder123
Your story is heartbreaking. If I recall correctly DIL started all this on the basis of a birthday present for your grandchild?

It’s heartbreaking but not surprising. It seems when the BPD person finds a pretext to isolate someone they keep reinforcing that position no matter what. It is beyond reason and totally due to this awful condition that seems to swallow up our loved ones and isolate them from us.

My Dd has BPD and her daughter lives with me. She used to spend every second week with her dad, but stopped that because she could not cope with his new wife any longer. Her stepmum then closed ranks on her dad, refused to let gd talk to her dad on his own, refused to engage unless gd apologized and said everything was her own fault (gd was 11 at the time).

Since then stepmum has continued to isolate gd’s dad from his parents, his brother and anyone else that is not her family. Only the other day gd said that when step mum picked her and her half siblings up from the grandparents she would be really nice and then start to bad mouth the grandparents to her dad.

This was constant manipulation to sort of ‘take over’ gd’s dad’s mind – and she has done so ruining a very close family who have worked together for decades. It’s all chaos now.

I think DH is probably right in stepping back now. The more you try to connect etc the more power it seems to give the BPD person, the more ammunition to use against you.

You mention your son is not working? How are they managing financially? Also do you think there is substance abuse involved at all?

So, so sorry that this is where things are  . . .

[Uddermudder123]

Thank you so much for sharing what you are experiencing.  My heart goes out to you, your family and especially your gd.

Yes, this all started over a birthday present that my DH got for his GS that DIL ended up disapproving of but waited until after DH purchased it and put it all together and let my SS know how excited he was to present to our GS (even though GS is still a little too young for it).  Both SS and DIL knew DH was getting this present way in advance. DH expressed his disappointment and that's what set it off.  I guess DH isn't allowed to have an opinion or feelings in DIL's eyes - or it makes her look bad and she can't have that.  So SS complies with DIL and cuts his own father off.

How they are managing financially...I am pretty sure that DIL is more than likely on disability now.  She went on leave from work before the pandemic for mental leave due to, she claimed, a co-worker sexually harrassing her. And never went back.  She was diagnosed with BPD during her time off.  Not sure if BPD can be used as a way to get disability or not though.  And as for SS, he left his flooring job that he loved and then went to work in a factory.  Shortly afterwards, he started having panic attacks and ended up going on leave as well.  The factory ended up shutting down soon afterwards and SS just never bothered to look for work afterwards.  I can only guess that he is more than likely on social assistance now. 

They owned a home and had to sell it just over a year ago.  What a mess it was.  DH, myself, SS's mother and step-father helped to clean it up so that it could sell.  DIL's mother owns a duplex and they moved in to one side of it and now rent it from DIL's mother - I can only assume that DIL's mother gives them a break on rent to help them out.

As for drugs...SS used to be a heavy pot smoker.  I believe he cut way back once GS was born.  DIL used to be a pot smoker as well but quit when she became pregnant.  When SS went on leave, he went to a doctor who prescribed some pretty heavy meds for anxiety and we found out from my oldest SD that SS was also prescribed an anti-psychotic medication as well.  That was a shock to both DH and I.  That he would accept taking xanax after his brother passed away from an overdose (xanax was one his brother's drugs of choice and he used street xanax excessively before moving on to other worse drugs that ultimately killed him).  And then an anti-psychotic on top of that?  He has never, to my knowledge, ever displayed any kind of psychosis. Having said all of this, I really don't know what SS is on medication-wise now. 

DH and I guessed that SS started having panic attacks and anxiety when DIL became pregnant. 

[js friend]

Hi uddermutter,

I remember your post about gds birthday present, and Iam sorry to hear that communication  hasnt improved but Tbh Iam also not surprised.

It must be so hard to witness the change of character in your ss. It happened to me trying to deal with my own udd so I can onlly imagine how your son is feeling being alone with dil day after day.

.....My guess is that your ds knows that he isnt in a healthy r/s and it may be difficult for him to admit his true feelings at this stage if it is affecting his self esteem. I think he is probably feeling isolated and perhaps maybe even shamed and embarrassed about the whole situation and that could the reason why he hasnt replied to your dh and also left his ss waiting for his return. Again probably all out of character.

I think It doesnt hurt for your dh to try for a while to contact your ds but your dh must also be aware and also be prepared that he may not receive a reply from him. I think he will know when it becomes the right time for him to let go.

[Sancho]

PS
When gd decided she couldn't handle step mum any more her dad was heart broken. But whenever gd tried to communicate with her dad, step mum took over. Whenever I tried to communicate with her dad, step mum took over.

It seems the same is happening in your case. DIL has taken over communication - so I am not sure how it's possible to communicate directly with ds