Help

[sarcastic mom]

Hi, I don't know where to start but I'm sitting here at work trying not to cry.  I feel overwhelmed and done.  My spouse has undiagnosed BPD (I believe).  I have started reading a book called stop walking on eggshells, but I need some real support.  I feel alone, and like I don't know who I am anymore.  I am tired of living my life trying to manage his mood swings and fits of anger over nothing.  Any help would be greatly appreciated! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

Would you say you feel you are in a crisis, or rather do you feel eroded and exhausted from the seemingly never-ending moodiness and lashing out?  If you are in a crisis, is there a way you could get away for a night--maybe stay at a hotel or a friend's place?  Sometimes a good night's sleep and peace and quiet can help you re-center and think straight again.  Another coping mechanism that works for me is taking walks outside.  Some physical movement, fresh air, separation and a different perspective can help take the edge off the crisis du jour.  Swimming was a good remedy, too--there's something about floating in water and listening to the splashy sounds that is therapeutic.

I can partially relate to your situation, as I lived with a stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD, as well as her high-conflict sister.  There was so much stress in the house, and contagious negativity, that my husband was falling apart and acting out, too.  He tended to take his despondency over his daughter's BPD behavior out on me.  He was very quick to anger, picked on me seemingly non-stop, monitored my every movement, grew suspicious and belligerent every time I left the house, punished me if I went on a work trip, basically imposed a curfew on me and tried to isolate me from family and friends.  He'd have extremely high expectations of me for service (cooking, cleaning, catering to him and his kids) and financial matters, while giving little in return.  I was trying to please him to keep the peace, but for a time I felt I sacrificed too much, and I started to feel like a shell of a person.  I had to sacrifice multiple vacations to "babysit" my BPD stepdaughter, yet my husband had time for some vacations and hobbies.  I mean, since he was preventing me from spending time with family, friends and hobbies, then all I did in life was work-work and house-work.  Though my work-work was fulfilling, my home felt like a mess (literally and figuratively), and I dreaded being there sometimes.

Fortunately, we were able to turn things around.  I'm not sure what came first, but a BPD diagnosis for my stepdaughter was a start.  Getting the right diagnosis meant getting the right treatment.  Another start was improving my own understanding of what was really going on.  My husband was clearly very stressed out over his daughter, living in a FOG (beset by fear, obligation and guilt).  But eventually I realized that he felt like he was losing her, and losing control over his life, so his coping response was to try to control ME.  When I figured that out, it was easier not to take his behavior so personally, or to believe that my own behavior was provoking him.  It wasn't about me, it was about the BPD situation and string of suicide attempts.  Similarly, when his daughter accused us of being mean, narcissistic, cruel, lazy, condescending, psycho or useless, I saw that she was projecting her own insecurities onto us.  I didn't take any of her outbursts personally, either.  By not taking their disordered behavior personally, it toned down the emotional dynamic for me, and I guess I became less "reactive" to bad behavior.  So while they were going on an emotional rollercoaster, I chose not to ride along with them (as best as I could).

On these boards, you'll see references to JADE, which means justify, argue, defend and explain.  When my husband lashed out at me, I used to JADE, but that would mean I was getting on the emotional rollercoaster, by feeding his fury.  Now, I try not to do that.  Instead, I might grey rock (act as boring and still as one), or cut the conversation short.  Here's an example.  He'd say I was a s*** person for joining a professional women's organization and excluding him.  The old me would describe all the reasons why I wanted to join, and I'd ask why he wouldn't support me, and I'd list all the other clubs that he belonged to and enjoyed, and I'd say it seemed unfair that he was free to join clubs but prohibited me from joining just one, and besides, I'd attend only one in-person event a year, it shouldn't be such a big deal.  He'd make such a big fuss, escalating in volume and intensity, that I'd agree not to join, and he'd feel he won a victory, and I'd feel dejected, and on top of that I rewarded him for his outburst, because he learned that pitching a fit got him what he wanted, which was to control me.  The new me simply states, I'm going to my club meeting and I'll return at noon. If he throws a fit, I let him throw a fit.  Eventually he sees he's being ridiculous.  I'm not saying I do whatever I want and never consider his needs--I'm saying I prioritize having a healthy life, which includes family, friends and hobbies, and I try not to feed his temper tantrums or allow them to control me.

Anyway, if my family members are riled up or lashing out, I view it as an "adult tantrum."  Do you know what works best for an adult tantrum?  An adult time out.  They need time and space to cool off.  They can't have a proper conversation when they're all riled up.  So if you recognize that, you can give them the time and space they need to calm down.  Sometimes I'll leave the room or go for a walk.  Sometimes I'll just grey rock.  And sometimes I'll say, "Gotta go take out the garbage/water the plants/do the laundry"--whatever gives me a little separation.

And then there are boundaries.  The thing is, boundaries are about what YOU do when you encounter a situation, and not about changing another person.  So if your husband is forbidding you from leaving the house, because he's jealous or suspicious, you can say, "I'm an adult, I am going to have coffee with a girlfriend.  I'm leaving now and I'll be back in 90 minutes."  If he calls or texts me to check in, scream at me or demand my immediate return home, I'll say, I'm at the gym/with a girlfriend/going to the grocery and immediately hang up.  If he calls again, I won't answer, and I'll go on with what I'm doing.  If he pitches a fit when I get home, I'll just get back to my chores.  If he intensifies, then I'll typically say, "I'm going for a walk, do you want to join me?"  The point is, I resist arguing with him, justifying why I need to live a normal life, and I do what I'm going to do even if he pitches a fit, and if he doesn't calm down right away, I give him some space.  Usually he'll pout and go to bed early in "protest."  And the next day, he'll typically go on like nothing happened.

I use another technique to try to increase positivity in the household:  I actively look for the good things my husband does, I notice them, and I point them out to him.  This morning, he made some coffee and brought it to me.  I said, "Thanks so much, this coffee tastes great, you're such a good husband."  And I meant it.  If you take time to notice the good qualities, and thank him / praise him for it, surely he'll feel better about himself and you.  I think that pattern becomes self-reinforcing.