CC43
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 436
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« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2025, 10:20:42 AM » |
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Welcome Musiclover,
Your story will resonate with that of many parents on these boards. I think you hit the nail on the head in recognizing your daughter's victim mentality. I've often thought that the victim mentality is perhaps the worst part of BPD. Why? It reflects an extremely negative mindset. It primes her to detect signs of abuse or unfairness at every turn, even if nothing untoward happened or was ever intended. She will re-interpret events and distort facts to make herself out to be a victim. As a perpetual victim, she thinks that everyone else is mean to her, and that everyone else has to change, not her. This means that she typically doesn't have friends (at least not for long), and she's likely extremely lonely. She wants friends, but her outbursts and demandingness drive them away. Worst of all, because she thinks that everyone else is set on ruining her life, she herself feels helpless and powerless. She has no agency over her life. She feels "stuck, and "behind" everyone else. Does that sound about right? Because she's so stuck, she feels childish. That's probably why she dredges up ancient grievances from her "terrible" childhood, and she's blaming you for the sad state of her life. In fact, she resents you for being so dependent on you. Am I on track here? That all sounds like classic BPD.
If all that sounds about right to you, I want to let you know that you are not to blame. I'm sure that you did the best you could. As a single mom, surely life wasn't perfect--but perfection is an impossible standard. Your daughter is an adult now, and she's responsible for her own feelings, not you. If she's telling all sorts of outrageous stories about how you abused her growing up, her words are surely highly exaggerated, and you shouldn't be wracked by guilt. I know, that's easier said than done. Yet I'll tell you something I discovered about my stepdaughter with BPD: whenever she dredged up stories about supposed "abuse" from her childhood, it was a sure sign that she was facing stresses or disappointments in her current life. That was her coping mechanism. Because she couldn't handle the pressures of adulting, she'd resort to blaming her terrible childhood on messing her up, and then she'd be absolved of adult responsibilities! It was all deflection and blame-shifting, a mal-adaptive way of coping with adult stress, resulting in regression to a highly unstable, child-like, tantrum-prone state. If you see it that way, then maybe you won't feel so guilty, and maybe you can extricate yourself from joining your daughter on her intense emotional rollercoaster rides. So that's what I do when I see someone riled up: I try to stay as calm and boring as a gray rock. I tell myself, I'm not going on this rollercoaster ride right now. If she's having an adult tantrum, I give her an adult time out. She needs time and space to cool off. Don't check in on her, and don't interrupt her time out. She'll decide when she's ready to re-engage. Only engage when she's being calm and respectful. That could be a boundary for you: when she's shouting, acting up or accusing you of abuse, you don't engage. You stay silent, or you extricate yourself (leave the room, or get on with wiping down the counter, or say you've got to check on the laundry). When you engage, you tend to feed her emotional fire.
If she gets you riled up, then think of some self-soothing techniques. I keep in mind a bunch of things I do to remain calm. Taking a walk outdoors is one. Others are taking a quick bath, mindless chores like ironing, deep "box" breathing, working a puzzle, stretching, listening to calming music or focusing on the five senses. If you keep a list of coping techniques in mind, then you're more likely to call on them when needed.
I guess my number one tip to you is to live your life. Do you resent your daughter sometimes? That's because you're doing things for her that she should be doing for herself by now, and she's keeping you from living the life you want to live. I'm not saying that you abandon her, but I am saying that you are allowed to prioritize your self-care. You don't have to be stuck at home babysitting her all the time. You go out with your friends and pursue your interests. In fact, I think you should model what a healthy adult's life looks like. How does that sound to you?
All my best to you.
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