My step daughter is bpd and I am broken trying to understand

[Inhrnp]

 
This is the first time I have ever spoken to anyone about this so I am feeling very anxious…

My stepdaughter is 36 years old. She was diagnosed with BPD about 4 years ago but has always had mental health issues.

She has been a part of my life since she was 4 and we always had a good relationship…until a year ago …

Something happened to her dad ( my husband who I love very much ) and we tried to protect her by excluding her from the situation…

As a result , she has blamed both of us claiming we have abandoned her and that she cannot forgive or forget …

We have both tried to reach out through letters, messages of love and support and asking what we can do to make things right , but she says there is nothing we can do to change the past and she is so angry and hurt …

She has refused to have any contact with her dad yet she still asks about him and wants to know if he’s ok …..She has had contact with me with messages and phone calls but blows “ hot and cold “ sometimes loving and kind then suddenly angry and hurtful…

I don’t know how to deal with the situation… if it were just me , I would let her go and accept that she is lost but her dad is so hurt and upset and it breaks my heart to see him like this …

Hope some one can help x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Inhrnp
It is a very sad situation for sure! Your SD's reaction is very 'borderline' I have to say - you think you are doing the right thing, then there is a huge reaction and no matter how logical, how understandable your explanations are, they fall on deaf ears.

Then when you move past trying to explain and start asking how you can 'make up' - well there is just no way that the person will move past the extreme response that they had.

It sounds like you have done everything you possibly can - and seeing how distraught your dh is must be so hard for you!

You say 'She has refused to have any contact with her dad yet she still asks about him and wants to know if he’s ok

I wondered how you respond to her as to whether he is okay? I think this might be an important point because if you say he is very distressed etc, then I think that would encourage DD to 'hold the line' of blame etc.

I wonder  - and this would only be if DH agrees of course - if the next time SD asks about her dad you put the ball back in her court by saying something like 'He has been really upset of course but he is coming to understand that he has to respect your feelings on this and if you can't see a way forward then he has to accept that'.

You may be saying this sort of thing of course so apologies if so.

My experience has been that my DD seems to hold on to the control that she has over me when I am in a weakened way. For example if we have had a big argument and she sees me upset she will double down. It is so difficult because the 'normal' response to distress is to try to find a common way forward. With BPD it just seems to dig the hole deeper.

I hope DH can understand that all this is what BPD looks like. It is not his or your fault - and not really DD's fault. This is what BPD looks like.

[Inhrnp]

Thank you … your kind words and advise are really helpful

[CC43]

Hi there,

I’ve been where you are right now, as I also have a BPD stepdaughter. She would detect signs of mistreatment, condescension and abandonment everywhere. Coincidentally, we are currently not informing her of plans to move homes (she lives in an apartment nearby and visits us frequently), because my husband thinks she can’t handle the added stress, and he wants her to focus on finishing her studies. I figure she’ll find out soon enough so I’m not making a big deal about our “secret.”  I’m just saying I understand the notion of keeping things private in the name of preventing a meltdown.

Anyway, I agree with Sancho that your stepdaughter’s silent treatment of her dad is a control tactic. My stepdaughter would often cut her dad off when she didn’t get her way, leading to a lot of tension and distress for both of them. My husband couldn’t stand it and would typically “beg” her to come back to him. I think that begging only perpetuated the period of estrangement, because she enjoyed the control, the negative attention, and the notion that she was inflicting pain, in a misguided attempt to communicate how hurt she felt. Moreover the impasse only reinforced her victim narrative—it confirmed that she was wronged once again, that the world mistreated her.  Does that sound about right to you?

My advice would be to apologize just once. But if you JADE—justify, argue, defend or explain—you are feeding her ire. As a pwBPD, she is a champion at holding onto anger and grudges, blowing everything out of proportion. She has trouble getting past the past. She enjoys seeing you suffer, because that confirms that control she has over you. I’d say, let her work through her feelings. Give her time and space to calm down. With patience and luck she might come back to you. If she’s reliant on you, for money, meals or emotional support, I bet she’ll be back as soon as she needs something.

[Inhrnp]

Thank you - that’s really helpful….

It’s so good to know we are not alone and it’s not our fault …

[CC43]

Hi there,

Indeed, it's not your fault.  Even so, you've likely endured a lifetime of "walking on eggshells," trying to avoid triggering your stepdaughter.  Did you accommodate her, make things as easy as possible for her and avoid stressful topics with her?  The irony is that you might have bent over backwards for her, in the name of keeping her stable and avoiding a meltdown, but it didn't work.  If she's diagnosed with BPD and isn't in treatment, it's very likely that she has extreme mood swings, outbursts and volatile relationships.  Here's the rub:  she's going to feel upset sometimes, no matter what you do.  So my advice is, go ahead and live your life.  She's going to do what she's going to do, therefore you shouldn't stop living your life in a vain attempt to keep her stable.  She's an adult now, and she's responsible for her own feelings, not you.  I'm not saying you should be rude or mean, but I am saying that if you are kind and considerate, you shouldn't feel responsible if she flies off the handle.

What I've observed with my stepdaughter is that her outbursts and periods of estrangement ALWAYS coincide with other stresses going on in her life.  In my opinion, your stepdaughter's unwarranted rejection of her dad isn't really because of anything you did or said; it's likely an indication that she's facing a stress or disappointment in her life right now.  Maybe she's having trouble with her home life, job, finances or romantic relationship.  Her struggles are likely priming her to have a trauma-like response in the face of ordinary stressors.  A trauma response is typically fight or flight.  In this case, is sounds like she initially fought with you, and now she's avoiding you because she feels aggrieved.  Her words are remarkably clear:  she can't change the past.  What she hasn't learned yet is to accept the past and move on.  People with BPD have a very hard time moving on--it's like they re-live the pain of past events over and over again.  I think that because they ruminate so much on unpleasant past events, even "fabricated" grievances like the one you describe, they etch the negative thinking pattern in their brain, reinforcing the negative feelings!

My stepdaughter will dwell on past negative events as a distraction and deflection tactic, to shift blame away from her and onto somebody else.  Let's say she's having trouble finding a job.  She's overwhelmed by the process itself, and she's paralyzed by the fear of rejection.  She feels her skills and experience aren't good enough, which hurt her confidence.  She probably thinks she'll never find a job, ever.  But rather than face the daunting job hunt process, she'll dredge up a "traumatic" past event involving her family.  She'll ruminate all day about purported past slights.  This serves to distract her from the fear of the job hunt, while also blaming her family for messing her up.  I think this is indicative of how BPD can be a maladaptive coping mechanism.  Is your stepdaughter upset about things that a normal person wouldn't find upsetting?  That to me is a sure sign that she's deflecting and avoiding a problem in her own life.

It used to be that when my stepdaughter would bring up past "traumatic" events, my husband would discuss them with her at length, resulting in a push-pull, hot-cold, volatile conversation that would typically spiral out of control.  No amount of apologies or sympathetic listening would bring any resolution.  Do you know why?  I think it's because she doesn't want resolution.  She's determined to cling to the victim attitude.  She's effectively saying, you hurt me, you're terrible, you messed me up, life is unfair.  I give up, it's hopeless.  I think it's all a deflection of what's really plaguing her right now.  But her emotions are all over the place, she can't really identify what's going on, let alone figure out how to fix her problems.  She prefers to blame you, which seems easier in the short term.  And she can unleash some of her venom in the process.

But now that my husband and I recognize this coping mechanism, we try to cut it short.  We agree with her--we can't change the past.  Yes, the past might have felt traumatic, abusive.  But the present isn't abusive.  We can and should focus on the present, on the task at hand.  Look, she spent years going down negative thinking spirals, and that wasn't any fun for anyone.  Let's not get derailed by past events.  She's been on track to a better future, and let's stay on track.  Let's keep the conversation upbeat and in the present.  Granted, since she has been getting therapy, it seems like the frequency, intensity and duration of her dysregulations have diminished.  She can withstand more distress now, without being completely derailed.  But I think we have been better about not "falling" for her maladaptive coping tactics, and not getting "sucked in" so easily.  I hope this perspective might help you in some way.

Cheers

[Inhrnp]

Thank you so much … everything you have said totally resonates with me … her behaviour and life experiences are just as you describe …

I am so touched by the support I have found on this site and so grateful to those who have taken the trouble to reply …

Thank you