This is my first post

[SpencerC8]

This is my first post. I am grateful to have found this group.  

My dtr is in her early 20's. She has been dx with OCD /ADHD/Depression and I suspect BPD.  She is back home and is taking a semester off from school. She was away at school and had too many challenges to stay so far away.

She moved back home last year and started going to the local college in the fall. She did not pass all of her courses due to challenges associated with the way her OCD shows up. She is brilliant, kind, and quirky and would love to move out. She has a part-time job and a supportive family, she drives (took her a few years to feel comfortable).

She has a psychiatrist and just decided to change therapist to find one that is more lgbtq affirming, she has internalized homophobia. We are very supportive of her. Two other younger siblings in the home. The siblings understandably have been struggling with interactions with her.  It has been rough. I have a therapist and I am trying to put boundaries up with my dtr. It is so hard because everything goes so well and then somebody says something to her and it all changes. She is always apologetic afterward and wants help.
 
A current example (but I could give a 100) that just happened within the hour:  

She comes into the room wearing her younger sister's new slippers.
Sister overreacts and yells at her. I let sister know, yes she shouldn't have taken them and please don't yell.. etc
Dtr with BPD "I didn't know they were yours, dad told me they were your friends"
Me: "That's okay, not a big deal, just tell your sister sorry and don't wear them anymore"

Bomb explodes

she goes to her room for space, I don't follow her.

She texts me "I want to die"

I text back,  validate, and tell her how much I love her and still keep her accountable.

She texts, " No you don't get that I CAN'T ________ING SAY SORRY BC IM TOO VISCERALLY HURT BY HER SCREAMING AT ME I CAN'T JUST TURN OFF MY FEELINGS SO ________ YOU TOO I WANT TO DIE AND BE HURT. I've been trying so hard and you don't give a _____."

I wrote: I really do love you and I know how hard you've been trying. I have seen it."

dtr "You have no idea how much pain I am in I swear to ________ing god this is the most pain i have ever been in ever okay? it is so alienating bc nobody sees that  if feels like I'm getting stabbed in the chest over and over forever and people just say, "be happy" or "go on a walk" I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT LIFE IS ALMOST NOT WORTH LIVING"

I wrote:  "That sounds awful. I know I can't ever completely understand but I am here for you and I love you very much and will help you get whatever support you need."

Lastly: dtr, "My siblings don't care though. they don't care about me whatsoever. I could die and ( sib) wouldn't even blink. She has never cared about me or what I've gone through ever. She comes to me with her problems but belittles mine and makes fun of me..... and on and on and on

My feelings run from numbness to heartbreak. I do not know what else to do.
She feels so hopeless and doesn't want this kind of life. I don't want this kind of life for her either! I feel so badly for her and do not know how to help. This doesn't seem like real life, this is so awful

I am sorry this is more like throwing up my thoughts, but right now I feel so dejected and hopeless about the situation that I am just going to put it out there anyway.

Thanks for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Spencer,

Welcome to the site.  I'm sure that what you wrote will resonate with many parents on this site.  Going off to college is fraught for many young adults with BPD, and it seems that your daughter has struggled there as well.

I think that young adults with BPD are wired to be very sensitive, especially to any perceived criticism or injustice.  And because they react so strongly, their brains will tend to distort facts so they see themselves as "victims," and they feel perpetually "traumatized."  The slippers incident hints at that:  if she's telling the truth, and her dad said they were her sister's friend's slippers, then she thought she was entitled to wear them according to her skewed logic.  When she was told not to, she was disappointed.  Maybe she convinced herself that she was entitled to them, or maybe she lied about the situation, or maybe she knew full well that they were her sister's slippers, but she nevertheless felt entitled.  And so when she was called out, she felt she was caught.  She might have been embarrassed, but surely she was mad because she didn't get what she wanted.  And her sister was mad too because she felt that her sister was appropriating the new slippers without asking.  Hence the bomb, and the subsequent fall-out.  The end of the story is invariably that your daughter is a victim--people are alienating her, belittling her or treating her badly or unfairly.  And the other reality is that her reactions are always over-the-top, not proportionate to the incident.  I bet it feels like a war zone in your household, correct?

OK now, here's what I see.  Your BPD daughter went to her room to cool off.  That's a constructive coping mechanism!  But she's really riled up (as per usual), and she shoots off an over-the-top text about wanting to die.  She draws you in with a text conversation, and then it spirals.  She basically says, her family doesn't care about her, and they BELITTLE her.  Right there, that tells me what's really bothering her.  She lacks self confidence.  She feels inferior.  And it hurts, tremendously.  It seems to me that the incident really isn't about slippers, it's about her feeling like a failure.  She couldn't handle college, and she's stuck at home.  She failed some classes.  This is totally consuming her.  It's her personal trauma.  And because she feels traumatized, she has a trauma-like response to ordinary interactions, i.e. a fight or flight response.  Fighting involves outbursts and nasty text messaging.  Flight involves withdrawal, avoidance, quitting/giving up and blocking.  Am I on track here?  If I am, it's because my BPD stepdaughter went through the exact same thing.  It's as if she views the entire world through glasses tinged with her negative attitude and inferiority complex, and she's actively looking for any indication of put-downs, insults or condescension!  At the same time, she's "triggered" by other people feeling happy, as she feels so glum by comparison.  With siblings, she's incredibly jealous of any attention or resources going to them, and not to her.  Her emotional age is probably akin to that of a tween or early teen, yet she's in an adult's body and is starting to feel adult-sized pressures.  Under that scenario, she feels totally overwhelmed--she's fearful of the future, too.  She doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't know how to plan, and she's overwhelmed.  She quits impulsively and shuns responsibilities (i.e. the flight response), because working through challenges is too stressful for her.  Her distress tolerance is very low.  Does that sound about right?  That's classic BPD in my opinion.

I guess one tip to you would be that when she has an "adult tantrum," she needs an "adult time out," in my opinion.  I'd say, give her the time and space to cool off before interacting.  If she lashes out with a nasty text full of profanities, I'd say, don't respond, so as not to interrupt her time out and feed her wrath.  Only engage when she's cooled off, because she just can't think straight when she's all riled up.  A boundary for you might be that when she's hurling profanities, you don't engage with her.

Then I'd say, if she has BPD behaviors, DBT therapy can really help, provided that she wants to make some changes in order to start to feel better.  It may be that she needs to prioritize therapy for some time, at least until she stabilizes.

Anyway, I'd say that though your daughter has some challenges, she's doing pretty well because she's still "engaged" with life, through some college classes and part-time work.  Kudos to you for ensuring that happens.  I'd encourage you to do everything in your power to support your daughter staying "on track" towards making an independent life for herself.  I think the absolute worst thing would be to enable her to be NEETT--Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy.

I wish you some peace.