Do I get in touch?

[Uafas]

Hi--first time here but read some of the posts and believe I have found a place with people experiencing my same struggle.  My adopted daughter is 43 and has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder; she was abandoned by her alcoholic birth mother and came to us at age 6 weeks. For the longest time we just thought her behavior was a manifestation of this, but as time goes on, it's looking more and more like BPD in addition to FASD. She has not been officially diagnosed with BPD because she refuses to get care; she was in therapy several times as a child with little difference in her behavior afterward. We have two biological children who have their own struggles with addiction but are in recovery and functional now. Our family life has been stable in general for the past several years (except for our daughter) and my husband and I have been married for 49 years.

Right before Christmas (of course) an old boyfriend of our daughter's showed up to tell us she was at his house because she called him to come get her since the new boyfriend with whom she now lives was threatening to kill her and is emotionally abusive. So he did. Then she wanted to go back to the current boyfriend after she had been rescued--like the following day. This happened a few times over a few weeks. This is a pattern in her life--lives with a man for a few years and then moves on. She lies consistently about everything. Unfortunately, the boyfriend who came to see us most likely has some mental health issues of his own and tends to be dramatic in his speech and could very well have been using the words about our daughter being abused to get our attention and not necessarily true. She has done this before, calling us to be rescued from an "abuser" only to stay with him once we arrived. She told us she wanted to come home and would do anything we said in order to do so. We said, "you have to get treatment" and she said, "anything except that" so the conversation was ended. We told her we love her but that she must be in treatment if she wants to have a relationship with us.

Needless to say, I feel terribly guilty and, quite frankly, exhausted by having to be the "tough love" mother with my children all the time (although it seems to have worked with my other children.)

I could go on and on, but the question I have today is, do we get in touch with her just to say we love you or just enjoy the peace and quiet? It would blow up our entire lives to have her living at home and we really can't do that because she can't be trusted, but I just want to know where she is and if she is okay. Never imagined my daily prayer would have to include "and please, God, let her be alive". The Facebook posts which were full of loving shout outs to the new boyfriend have ceased; she posts nothing any more. Or we don't see it, anyway.

Appreciate any insights you are willing to share.
Uafas

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Uafas and a warm

Wow, 43 years is a long time -- a difficult long time for your family to be experiencing the challenges of FAS/BPD, and also, in a way, a good long time, because it shows that your D43 has some resilience and survival instincts that are active.

Has the "rescue me from my boyfriend" cycle happened for many years, or is this new and only started recently?

Does she have any children?

How long has it been since this conversation:

She told us she wanted to come home and would do anything we said in order to do so. We said, "you have to get treatment" and she said, "anything except that" so the conversation was ended. We told her we love her but that she must be in treatment if she wants to have a relationship with us.

and has she reached out at all since then?

...

I think there are no hard-and-fast answers to your question about reaching out or not. In a way, that might give you some freedom to act in accordance with your values -- because you've already decided on the limit for your family (she can live with you if she's in treatment).

If you're serious that you won't be talking with her unless she's in treatment, then it's important to stick with that.

If what you kind of meant was -- of course you can text and call and chat if she's not in treatment, but she won't be living with you, then you could reach out to her and that would be in line with your values and limits.

There's no single answer to what your values and limits are, because they're personal -- but what is important is that you're really clear with yourself about what those are, and then you respect your own values and limits.

Some parents do end up having the limit of: "I can't be in touch with you in any way at all unless you're in treatment". Other parents have the limit of "of course we can talk, and you can't live with us or be in our home unless you're in treatment". Other parents have the limit of: "you can live with us without being in treatment, as long as you have a job" (just as some examples).

So -- my thought is that once you're clear on what you can tolerate and accept in your life, and you're ready to respect your own limits/values there, then the answer about "do we reach out" will become much more obvious.

Never easy stuff... this is a good place to think through it all.

[Sancho]

Hi Uafas
I agree with Kells 76 that there are many aspects to be considered before you make the decision, and only you know how to consider these.

There is one thing that I would add to the mix. Your DD is 43 and surely has some very difficult diagnoses to deal/cope with as she navigates the days of her life.

My DD is 34 and has tried unsuccessfully many times to become independent. So she returns here and resents it deeply.

I am not going to be here forever and I would love to see DD able to live independently somewhere, even with the ongoing chaos and crises that I know would occur. I am in the middle of slowly retreating from contact with my DD because I want her to ride the ups and downs and be able to keep going without turning to me.

I just thought this might be part of your consideration: is it better for DD to struggle on through the chaos and find her solutions at this point in time? You clearly love your DD, so I am sure your decision will be based on that love and her best interest.