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Stepdaughter BPD, Dad Won’t Set Boundaries
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Topic: Stepdaughter BPD, Dad Won’t Set Boundaries (Read 282 times)
Stepmom67
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2
Stepdaughter BPD, Dad Won’t Set Boundaries
«
on:
January 24, 2025, 09:13:00 PM »
I’ve been married 8 years. I have 2 grown kids. My husband has 3 grown children. His oldest child 33 years old has BPD , has 3 small children, and has not been employed in the 10 years that I have known my husband. My husband and I along with his other two grown children have been victims of her behavior and all struggle d immensely . Eight years ago she entered into a relationship with a narcissist. She became pregnant , and gave birth to beautiful girl. She lived with the child’s father but soon the relationship became volatile. Continuously we had to go get her and become involved in the inhumane behavior between her and the child’s father. On a regular basis she would call screaming at my husband about various issues blamed him for her life issues. My husband has allowed her to treat him horrible and he constantly is walking on egg shells trying to calm the situation He has continued to send money to her because she said the boyfriend didn’t provide for her or the baby. She continued to leave the boyfriend for short periods of time, staying with her mom, but continued to go back to him. She then told my husband (her dad) that she was ready to finally leave for good. We made arrangements for her to move in with us along with the baby. Then one day we received a FaceTime call from her and her little girl was holding a balloon that said “I’m going to be a big sister. “ That said, another baby was on the way, her Medicaid ran out and the only way to pay for baby #2 was to marry the baby dad so she could have health insurance. She married him, and they had a sweet little boy. The rage continued, our phone would ring with her screaming about her life or how her friend’s abandoned her, or she had no money to buy clothes, food, etc. My husband would accommodate any complaint that she had just to calm the waters and help care for the grandkids. Soon she called and said she wanted a divorce so my husband hired an attorney to manage. They went through custody battles all while draining the bank on atty fees. I took on a second job, we canceled our up coming vacation to help fund the lawyer. Finally it was time for the judge to sign off and she went silent. Wouldn’t respond to our texts or calls. For over a month we did not hear from her. Finally when she called she refused to talk about the divorce so we never even knew for sure if she ever divorced the guy. 5 months later her mom (husband’s x wife) told him she was pregnant again and had canceled the divorce. During this time, my stepdaughters husband was fired from his job, they lost their house and both cars were repossessed. Baby #3 came and she her husband and 3 kids are homeless. Stepdaughter and her 3 kids went and lived with my husband’s x wife. X wife worked 60+ hours a week to provide for her daughter and grandchildren. I was told my stepdaughter unleashed rage, lies, and abuse towards her mom. In any angry fit stepdaughter threw a metal bowl at her mom busted her head open and she ended up up with numerous stitches to her head. My husband s x wife took the blame because she was afraid CPS might investigate. Stepdaughter took on little/mo responsibility of her kids. My husbands son and his xwife cared for them most of the time. Stepdaughter could not get along with her mom so she left with her 3 children to live with her husband in a tiny camping trailer. He was part time at a liquor store , camper is borrowed from a friend. We are sending money for food and clothing. Stepdaughter says she shop lifts for the kids clothes and food. We get a call from police saying to come take custody of the kids because stepdaughter claims she was raped by her husband , he’s going to jail and she’s going to the hospital. We take custody of the kids. They are not clean, no shoes in 30 degree weather, no food. She now decides again she wants a divorce
. My husband is again is financially supporting. My stepdaughter lies, steals, screams, throws things, abs is so very ungrateful to her family. She has absolutely no remorse for the pain and suffering she has caused her children or her family. Everyone walks on eggshells around her and gives her everything she wants and forever saves her. I completely and whole heartedly disagree with this. She has not taken accountability for any of her actions. She blames everyone for the problems she has brought on herself and her family says nothing to her about it. They do not call her out for her lies or the things she has stolen from them. They have placed absolutely no boundaries. All that said I very much disagree and resent that my husband has not done anything to set boundaries, or protect me from the trauma she has caused me My stepdaughters actions have destroyed this family, her children, and my marriage. I guess I’m curious to know if anyone else had experienced this and how you coped.
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CC43
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 436
Re: Stepdaughter BPD, Dad Won’t Set Boundaries
«
Reply #1 on:
January 25, 2025, 07:38:21 AM »
Hi there,
I totally understand where you are coming from because I lived a similar situation. I also married my husband when his kids were young adults. In my case, only after we married did the BPD behaviors emerge. Though my BPD stepdaughter does not sound as extreme as yours—she’s younger, doesn’t have kids and hasn’t ever had a serious boyfriend—her volatility and self-destructiveness had all the hallmarks of BPD. She couldn’t handle any living situation for long. She was NEETT—not in education, employment, training or therapy for extended periods. She raged, she lied, and she repeatedly threatened or attempted suicide whenever she didn’t get what she wanted. Since her parents had two separate households, she’d bounce between them, back and forth, after multiple failed attempts at residential colleges. I thought that dynamic enabled her to play her parents off one another, while at the same time preventing her and her parents from really dealing with her problems head on.
I bet you’re frustrated and despondent because your stepdaughter is ruining your family’s life, and you bear the consequences, yet you have no say or control. I bet you also see what’s going on, because you aren’t blinded by the FOG—fear, obligation and guilt. You didn’t raise her, and you feel it’s not your fault. You are sick of working overtime, unable to enjoy a vacation, feeling financial stress, and most of all, hating living in constant crisis mode. On top of it, your stepdaughter is treating you and your husband like dirt. If she were anyone else, you wouldn’t allow it. But here you feel trapped. Do you seize up with dread every time you hear the phone ring or buzz late at night? Yup, I’ve been there.
In my case, my husband truly loves his daughter, and because his heart is in the right place, I couldn’t help but try to support him. You see, he’s the typical guy, more of a provider than a nurturer, a problem solver more than a talker. He thought, if he could just give his daughter whatever she wanted and needed, if he could just set her up in yet another apartment, she’d be grateful and eventually find her way. But you and I know, that just doesn’t work with BPD. And in your case, there are helpless grandkids involved, which complicates the situation by an order of magnitude. Thus you are stuck in a dynamic of rescuing and enabling. Your stepdaughter is REWARDED for her dysfunctional behavior. So why would she ever do anything differently?
Countless times I thought my husband was enabling his daughter, and yet he refused to get help for himself. I couldn’t talk about his daughter with him, because he thought it was an indictment of both her and his parenting. His judgment was clouded under the incredible stress. And he didn’t want my input. We were not on the same page, and feeling that we weren’t partners was distressing.
I think the turning point came when my stepdaughter hit a bottom. I told my husband, his job wasn’t to fix his daughter. His job was to make sure she followed doctors’ orders (therapy programs, meds, etc). I told him, BPD is treatable! I think they both liked the notion of heeding professional advice, that the doctors would know what to do, they see this sort of situation all the time. And bizarrely, my stepdaughter’s victim narrative would be validated—that she was abused, that her pain was special, requiring expert attention. (But my opinion is that she was the abuser, not the abused). Anyway, I think my husband was relieved from trying to come up with ways to help his daughter; all he had to do was ensure she did what the doctors prescribed. And he gave his daughter an ultimatum: she follows the treatment plan with his financial support, or she chooses to go her own way, but he withdraws his financial support. Since she had burned all her bridges, I think her choice was an easy one. I’m very happy to say that she’s turned things around and is now heading in the right direction. She still has her moments, but we’re not fearing for her life anymore.
I hope this helps and that you take care of yourself. I did lots and lots of walking. I also have a few friends with special needs kids. It’s more common that I ever imagined. They understand where I’m coming from, sometimes just talking things out is a relief.
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Stepmom67
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2
Re: Stepdaughter BPD, Dad Won’t Set Boundaries
«
Reply #2 on:
January 25, 2025, 09:36:16 PM »
Thank you so very much for taking the time to respond. Although I would never wish this experience on anyone it is very helpful to know there’s others that have survived the same. It’s great to hear that your husband listened to you, set some boundaries with his daughter, and took action. I have hope that my husband will do this with his daughter.
Again I thank you for the encouragement. I wish you the very best and well wishes to your stepdaughter.
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Sancho
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Re: Stepdaughter BPD, Dad Won’t Set Boundaries
«
Reply #3 on:
January 26, 2025, 12:08:38 AM »
Hi Stepmom67
BPD sure causes chaos in the lives of families. There is a range of intensity of course, and your situation is at the top of the intensity range in my opinion because SD has been unable to work - many with BPD are able to hold a job, my DD is unfortunately not one of those - and there are very young children involved. This is my situation as well, though only one child, and my choices have been influenced by the welfare of the child.
What you describe is what BPD looks like. If we could actually see the BPD brain when these things were happening we would see the parts that govern emotions firing like mad, and the parts that govern logical thinking, hardly working at all!
I imagine DH and his adult children had experienced the chaos of SD for many years before you became part of the family. From what you say SD would have been 23? Perhaps, like me, things were tried and were not helpful and, well I realised that it was not possible for my DD to engage in any programs etc that could be helpful.
It sounds as though SD's mother is doing all she can. It is not easy, that's for sure. We can put in boundaries, but what would the consequences look like if they were broken.
For myself, the boundaries would have been very different if there had not been a child involved. It seems as though these children would be pretty much neglected if just left in the care of their mother. I suppose child welfare would then be involved and they would be removed. This may be a positive thing - or not. There is no way of knowing whether they would be placed in a good home. There are many fantastic people who care for others' children. There are a minority who take them in but don't care for them well.
I agree with CC43 that caring for yourself in whatever way you can is paramount. There are no easy answers to change this situation. There is a person who posts here as BPDstinks - and it sure does. In my opinion it is the most damaging of the mental health conditions that I have witnessed.
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