Back Again...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all. Around this time last year I was conflicted about breaking up with my uBPDp. I managed to go through with it only to be right back with her 2 months later. This is our pattern. Intense relationship in the beginning, I begin to wear out emotionally and physically, mainly from the negativity and neediness and I end things.

However, I have an intensely strong connection to her and it feels almost impossible to go no contact for any long period of time. So she continues to reach out and like a crack addict I'm back in. I question my own mental health. Do I fit BPD since I'm the one doing the break up? I don't fit all of the criteria so I guess that would mean no.

The reason for the strong connection has a lot to do with having grown up with her in the same home town. I went through a divorce after a few decades of marriage that was pretty devastating. When I reconnected with her she felt like home and strong feelings of nostalgia kick in.

So anyhow, here I am on the fence again after almost a year of being together again. We don't live together so it would be a clean break but it takes a tremendous amount of energy to break things off. I'm trying to stay mindful and not act impulsively this time. Any words of advice?

[Goodpal]

Hi all. Around this time last year I was conflicted about breaking up with my uBPDp. I managed to go through with it only to be right back with her 2 months later. This is our pattern. Intense relationship in the beginning, I begin to wear out emotionally and physically, mainly from the negativity and neediness and I end things.

However, I have an intensely strong connection to her and it feels almost impossible to go no contact for any long period of time. So she continues to reach out and like a crack addict I'm back in. I question my own mental health. Do I fit BPD since I'm the one doing the break up? I don't fit all of the criteria so I guess that would mean no.

The reason for the strong connection has a lot to do with having grown up with her in the same home town. I went through a divorce after a few decades of marriage that was pretty devastating. When I reconnected with her she felt like home and strong feelings of nostalgia kick in.

So anyhow, here I am on the fence again after almost a year of being together again. We don't live together so it would be a clean break but it takes a tremendous amount of energy to break things off. I'm trying to stay mindful and not act impulsively this time. Any words of advice?

[ForeverDad]

Welcome back!

I would confirm that you're not disordered with acting-out BPD traits.  (Your situation and even your manner of writing indicate that.)  Yes, you probably do have some issues that allow you to return to this dysfunctional on/off dance.  Are you seeing a counselor?  While the peer support here is so helpful in dealing with the impact of Borderline trait relationships, local in-person guidance and introspection is invaluable for your own issues too.

One reality I've learned here is that past history is an indicator of future history, unless you change the dynamic.  So something needs to change in order not to repeat the past.  It takes two people to have a relationship.  Since you can't count on your ex to change, then that task is up to you.

[Goodpal]

Thank you for replying. Not seeing a counselor currently but I have seen many. I feel I have a good understanding of what my issue was (is) and why I get into these types of relationships (my ex-wife falls in the cluster B category).

What is stopping me now from pulling the trigger is that she hasn't really done anything TOWARDS me that would be a good catalyst. I mean, I do feel like I have to walk on eggshells about stupid little things all of the time to avoid an emotional reaction, and I'm starting to get bored with the lifestyle. She would be classified as the waif type - stays home all day and self medicates. I'm just not ready for the fall out. It makes me feel horribly guilty each time. If she cheated on me that would make it easy. This would have to just be a "we need to talk" moment and it's incredibly emotionally draining.