Suicide threats

[BIRD86]

I am tired of my daughter threatening to commit suicide
Every time she does something bad and I reprehend her for example getting 5 speeding tickets last year.
She threatens to commit suicide and honestly I am tired to react anymore. I don’t answer to her texts like that anymore.
I am tired depleted and hopeless.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Tired sounds right. That sounds exhausting for your whole family. Sounds like you're at the point where this pattern isn't working for you -- it's just too much, and everyone needs a break 

She threatens to commit suicide and honestly I am tired to react anymore. I don’t answer to her texts like that anymore.

How did you react in the past? Would you engage with her, try to find her, try to convince her of something...?

I am tired of my daughter threatening to commit suicide
Every time she does something bad and I reprehend her for example getting 5 speeding tickets last year.

I wonder if it might be a relief to you and your family if you felt like you could let go of telling her she did something bad?

Maybe that would bring you relief -- you no longer have to "get her to see" that she made poor choices... maybe that would bring her relief, too.

It seems like there's nothing to lose from trying that approach for a bit? Does it sound do-able at all to you (or, really, it would be one less thing to do)?

[BIRD86]

In the past have gotten so worried that I would try to calm her down and call her or text her to talk some sense into her.

The reason why I call her was because her car is under my name and she was caught speeding and a camera took a picture of the License under my name. This affects my record specially right now I am trying to fix my legal status in the US.
The situation got heated because I told her I won’t consign the car anymore and we will need to transfer evento her name including car insurance. I told her I am done paying for her car insurance and done helping her with the car loan.
She has a very bad driving record and is affecting me. I also told her to change her address to where she lives right now. I don’t want her mail showing up at my house anymore. The less I know the better my peace. She started to threaten and I just Told her. Whatever you do is your problem I’m not to blame for you own choices.

[kells76]

It makes sense that having everything so intertwined (car use, insurance, address) was making life more stressful.

I think it's wise to disentangle as much as you can legally; that can take a lot of pressure off the relationship.

When BPD is involved, telling the pwBPD to do things -- especially important things, or necessary things, or things on a deadline -- often doesn't go well. For whatever reason, the pwBPD doesn't do those things, and then we get frustrated, stressed out, fearful, etc.

It is important to find ways to move forward with what needs to be done, without needing to rely on the pwBPD.

We must learn to be proactive for ourselves and do as much on our side as we can. This can decrease the tension in the relationship, and allow you to move on with your life without waiting on the pwBPD, who may struggle to execute even simple tasks.

The situation got heated because I told her I won’t consign the car anymore and we will need to transfer evento her name including car insurance. I told her I am done paying for her car insurance and done helping her with the car loan.

I agree with you that the worst possible situation is that you have full ownership and liability for the car, and she uses it recklessly.

Is she agreeable to owning the car? If so, that is good.

If not, I'm not sure you can transfer it to her without her consent.

I wonder if you can come up with a plan to end her use of your car, if she does not cooperate with the transfer.

It may be uncomfortable or a hassle, but it sounds important that she no longer use a car you legally own.

I also told her to change her address to where she lives right now. I don’t want her mail showing up at my house anymore.

If you live in the USA, you can do this on your own, without her involvement.

Go to a physical post office and tell them that that person no longer lives at your address. They may give you a form to fill out, or a form to give to the next postal worker who delivers mail to your home, or they may have some other process, but you do not need anyone else's cooperation to stop incorrect mail delivery.

It might still be wise to use skilled communication to give her a heads up: "Hi Daughter, just want you to know that as of Day/Date, your mail will be going to Central Post Office, not here" -- just as a courtesy.

...

She started to threaten and I just Told her. Whatever you do is your problem I’m not to blame for you own choices.

What did she threaten -- was it suicide threats again?

Was that over text/phone call, or in person?

[BIRD86]

I don't think my daughter is in a position to be operating a vehicle she is reckless.
She has a bad driving record she will probably loose her drivers license.

I will take the car away and try to sell it.

She threats suicide by texts messages.

[CC43]

Hi there Bird,

Boy it's tough dealing with frequent suicide threats.  My BPD daughter used to threaten suicide when she didn't get what she wanted, or to deflect blame.  When she was stressed, her thinking patterns were wildly distorted, and she would catastrophize ordinary situations.  Most of all, she was impulsive and self-sabotaging.  I think her suicide threats were a misguided way of avoiding a distressing situation by creating even more distress.

Assuming that your daughter is an adult, I'd say that she should be responsible for her own car.  If you still have the title and she gets in a wreck, you are potentially liable.  Furthermore, if your daughter is using your home address as her legal residence, when you insure your own car, the insurance companies will deem that your daughter has access to YOUR car (because she resides in the home with you).  Since she has a bad driving record, that would increase the insurance premiums on your car, too.  So I think it's right that you go to the post office and say that she moved, and if you know her new address, you can have her mail sent there.  I'm pretty sure you can do this online, too.  In my town, there's an annual census of residents, and people can update who's living in the household in that survey.  You might consider going to the town hall to clarify the process and set the records straight.

I understand how distressing it can be to pay high car premiums and also to see other people's mail.  I have a stepdaughter with a shady driving record, and though she had her own car and her own apartment, she would list my home as her legal residence.  Therefore, every year my car insurance company would list her on my policy and jack up the premiums; I had to call the company to have her removed from the policy.  It would also anger me to see notices of my stepdaughter's speeding/parking tickets and unpaid tolls sent to my house, even though she had moved away years ago.  Furthermore, for a long time my husband would pay the fines and tolls, and he wondered why she kept getting tickets!  I said, she keeps getting them because she doesn't suffer the consequences.  If she had to pay a few hundred bucks out of her own pocket, she surely would drive more carefully.  It was no surprise that once he stopped paying for the tickets, she stopped getting them!

Anyway, I recall responding to your earlier posts about taking back the car.  I would fully support you on this.  A car is a privilege, not a right.  Though it might be convenient for many people, the burden of payments, insurance, maintenance and parking can be overwhelming.  It might be a more affordable and safer option if she relied on public transportation, joined a carpool  and/or used Ubers as needed.  It sounds like she's just not ready for the responsibility of driving right now.  If she's not near public transportation, what's stopping her from moving to a more convenient location?  She's an adult, she can figure it out.  I'm willing to bet that nobody gave you a car.  Nobody gave me one, either.  I chose not to have one in early adulthood, because it didn't make financial sense--instead, I relied on public transportation, lots of walking, taxis, rental cars as needed, plus the occasional ride from friends who did have a car.  Looking back, I wouldn't have changed a thing.