Tonight I did not use my skills

[Farmgirl2002]

She has been sad for weeks.  This depressive spiral has lasted longer than usual.  I was tired, work has been hectic and home has been hectic and I did not deal well when she told me she had nothing to look forward to.  Probably didn’t help that I spent $500 on a prom dress this past weekend and I got mad with her.  My rational brain knows that she is freaking out about the fall and maybe being done high school (if she can pull herself together enough to squeeze a graduation out of this year). I know it is the bpd talking when she is so negative.  I hollered.  I hollered that I want to help her get help (she can’t handle the disappointment of not finding a therapist that is a good fit), I hollered that although I can’t know exactly how she feels I am sad too, I am right along side her,  I hollered that she expects a lot from me.  I let her boyfriend move in (please don’t judge, I am hard enough on myself).  I did not use my skills.  Now I just feel defeated.  I feel like a horrible parent, I feel like it is ok that I was upset but maybe I could have handled it better.  I feel like it is ok that I don’t get it right all of the time.  The thing is my husband only stands by her side.  I am at fault, I screwed it up, I was wrong.  So I went for a drive and then I found this site.  After three years or so of searching I found this site. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Farmgirl2002... and

Sounds like you're coping with a teen with BPD? Neither is easy and the mix can be even more difficult. And then, when you're trying to be an "okay enough" parent in those circumstances, it's an added burden to feel like you screwed up an interaction or were hurtful or wounding to your child.

And then on top of that, when there are cross-generational alliances in the family that create unhealthy drama triangles ("you and me versus them"), I wonder if family life can feel like a minefield to you.

How long have you suspected/known your daughter has BPD? Has she received an official diagnosis; is she in any kind of treatment or therapy?

Are you and/or your H getting any kind of help right now? Therapy, counseling, support groups, family/friend understanding, spiritual support...?

...

This is hard stuff, and while I'm sorry it took so long on your journey to find us, I'm glad you did -- people here really get how challenging, counterintuitive, and non-typical it is to try to parent a child with BPD.

In addition to here, there are more great resources for families with BPD loved ones. A reputable organization is the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder, which offers a free, "real people" Zoom course called Family Connections. I took it last year and it was a great adjunct to participating here and having a therapist of my own. If you've already heard of them, apologies for the repeat.

I bring up NEABPD because in November 2021 they released a video titled "Skills? Not today", about real world type examples of when it's just too much for us to use our skills, and what we can do instead.

And while I can't find the link, we learned in the class that we need to accept that we will lose our cool -- it's just going to happen. We can't approach improving the family environment until we can accept that we will have times that we lose it -- and like you said, it's OK to be upset, this is a normal feeling to have.

I appreciate what they have to say in this Family Environment Skills handout:

Basic Assumptions (to be effective)
 ▲ People need to interpret things in the most benign way possible
 ▲ There is no one or any absolute truth
 ▲ Everyone is doing the best they can in this moment
▲ Everyone needs to try harder

It can be true that you did the best you could (with the emotional resources you had in that moment) when you were hollering at your daughter... and it's true at the same time that you could do better. Both are true parts of your life.

I wonder what it would be like to start modeling some of those "assumptions" to her if you talk about it: you hit your limit when you were yelling, you had run out of resources, and if you were going to go back and do it over, you would choose to take a break and take care of yourself instead of yelling at her. You know your daughter best, so that might work with some kids but not with others.

Has your daughter reconnected with you about that moment yet? Have you brought it up to her?

Hang in there;

kells76

[CC43]

Hi Farmgirl,

You've come to the right place.  If you take a look at some of the posts, I bet you'll see how many parents of young adults with BPD are feeling desperate.  They also feel guilty, bewildered, angry, exhausted, frazzled, worried, resentful and tense all the time.  Many are financially strained, and sometimes they aren't on the same page with their spouse, either.  Living with someone with a permafrosty attitude is depressing, and negative attitudes are highly contagious!

Let me guess:  it seems that no matter how hard you try, nothing seems to prevent your kid from having meltdowns, even over seemingly minor things.  But let's face it, you're only human.  If you're being yelled at, or if you're on the receiving end of passive-aggressiveness all the time, you're bound to snap at some point.  Your daughter might be holding you to the impossible standard of perfection.  She might even be becoming an emotional terrorist in your home.  I'd advise to cut yourself a little slack, give yourself a little grace.  On these boards, you'll see how the notion of prioritizing self-care is paramount.  You're no good to your daughter if you sacrifice yourself in the name of saving her.  The only way you can handle living with someone with BPD is to ensure you take care of yourself first.  In fact, I think you should be modelling what a healthy adult's life looks like.  Being a positive role model includes taking care of yourself, enjoying hobbies and getting enough rest.

Boy I can relate to the pervasive negativity.  When she was untreated, my BPD stepdaughter lived under a dark cloud most of the time.  She'd say things like, her life sucks, her family ruined her life, it's hopeless, she has nothing to live for, she can't take this much longer, etc.  I found that her victim attitude was the most destructive of all.  She was stuck in the past, reinterpreting a privileged and coddled childhood into tales of domestic abuse and bullying, blaming her family and friends for causing her all sorts of problems.  I wish I could say it got better in early adulthood, but it didn't.  It got worse.  When she went off to college, far from her parental support system, she completely fell apart.  I think her toxic negativity was her downfall.  If she wasn't furious at her family and friends, she turned her negativity inward.  She didn't know who she was (except for being worthless), and she certainly didn't know how to move forward in an adult world.  She couldn't handle any stress whatsoever.  So she alternated between bouts of rage and withdrawal into an alienated/hateful/anxious/depressive state.  I think she was absolutely terrified about the future, not knowing who she was or how she was going to make her way as an independent adult, and she was so scared that her fear overwhelmed her.  To cope, she did nothing.  She refused to go to school, work, eat meals with the family, or keep her living space tidy.  Sound familiar?

Anyway, on top of the "take care of yourself first" advice, I'll offer a couple of other tips.  If you are supporting your daughter in any way, do not allow her to be NEETT, i.e. not in education, employment, training or therapy.  In other words, do not allow her to do nothing, because when she does nothing, she feels like nothing, and that is not healthy for anyone.  Nevertheless, she might choose to do nothing, but then you don't support her financially or otherwise--you are not going to be an enabler!  Another tip is that if she's in your household, she needs to treat you with respect.  I think respect includes not yelling or swearing at you, respecting the environment by keeping the household clean and tidy, not stealing, not destroying the house or other people's belongings, not using illicit substances in your home and keeping you informed of her whereabouts.  You might have your own definition, but I think you understand the spirit of respect instead of abusiveness.  You wouldn't let a stranger come into your home be abusive, and I think you should hold your daughter to the same standard.

All my best to you.

[Sancho]

Hi Farmgirl202
I think it can be a good thing that we show how much pressure we are under. The skills are great to help us relate but we also need to be able to communicate something of ourselves from time to time. Even having to use 'skills' is a pressure on us.

I feel for you - so much on your plate and not supported.

[Farmgirl2002]

Thank you for your kind words.  Today was a better day, well this evening was.  My daughter was angry, she wanted an apology.  I worked at the kitchen table while she told me if I didn’t apologize I would no longer have a daughter.  I very slowly finished my work and then apologized for hollering, I apologized for being very tired, I said I was sorry for feeling defeated, and I was sorry for not handling the situation better.  Afterward we talked.  We talked about caregiver burnout, she saw how it can happen when we helped take care of my grandfather.  We discussed why I’m not sleeping.  Then we started to talk about what may have been the icing on the cake that ended up in her current depressive spiral.  It was good to talk and even better that she decided to have a shower which she hadn’t done in days.

She was diagnosed with bpd, ptsd, anxiety disorder, and substance abuse disorder early in 2023.  Her first suicide attempt was in 2021. 

I am currently seeing a therapist and was fortunate to participate in a Family Connections group in the fall of 2023.  That is how I knew I hadn’t used my skills.  I still keep my word rocks that we did at the end of our sessions on my nightstand. The first rock is “hope/skills” and the second rock is “stop/and”.  I flip them over to the word combination I need very frequently. 

My husband is dealing as best he can.  I reminded him again tonight that we need to be a team.  He isn’t a bad guy, he just really struggles with his feelings.  He did take care of supper tonight which was lovely. 

Last night when I drove around thinking who I could talk to I very quickly realized that I didn’t want advise from my friends and parents.  A lot of people don’t understand why I can’t make her go to therapy.  Why I can’t make her keep seeing a doctor to try to find some meds that might help even a little.  They think that I am nuts for being thrilled that this year she goes to school once a week, on a good week (last year she refused to set foot in the school). She isn’t lazy, when she isn’t in a spiral she helps around the house.  She had a summer job.  She is a great kid.  She is kind to her younger brother.   She is just really ill. 

This is the first time in a long time that I feel justified.  That I am not being dramatic about how hard this is, on all of us.  I really appreciate it.