Adult daughter is being evicted from her house-share - again

[EmDB]

This is following an eviction in April 2024 for strange behaviors on her sleeping medication (which her doctor would likely discontinue were she honest about the sometimes dangerous disruptions due to her sleepwalking side effect), followed by a suicide attempt (overdose) that involved the roommate needing to become involved, call for EMS, etc.  She stayed with her father and me in our tiny studio apartment for 6 months, sleeping on our loveseat.  She did not work, she was bedridden with depression, did not see anyone for weekly therapy (as had been the prerequisite agreement).  It was living hell - my husband is newly retired due to his heart condition, all of us stuck in a small space.  She eventually found employment (after having been previously let go from her umpteeth job in social services) and a comfortable, clean house-share a few months ago but my daughter just told me the homeowner has informed her that she must go due to irreconcilable differences, messes in the kitchen, things being rearranged, later found in strange places (I suspect the sleeping pill-caused sleepwalking).  I've tried to stay out of it.  My daughter denies any responsibility, she blames her "alcoholic, mentally unwell" roommate.  She believes it's all the other person's fault, and I just reply with "I'm sorry to hear this." and "what are your action plans? - nothing damning or blaming.
What are my responsibilities as a concerned (but distance-keeping) parent?  It will not be possible for her to live here with us again.  My 45-year marriage to her dad was strained to the limit last time (in 2024). I must choose my own health and my husband's heath over her seemingly untreated BPD (to a noticeable degree, though she does see a therapist now, and she has (another) new job that pays a sustainable income).
I am watching a train wreck. Again.  In slow motion. 
Advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi EmDB
I think your responsibility is to your husband and yourself. We can think of that in terms of staying at arms length but it can also mean the opposite - get involved to get DD into other accommodation.

How possible is it that DD will be able to find and sign up for another place by herself? It can be the case that when something like this happens, the person becomes absorbed in the 'unfairness' of it all and can't step up to move on.

If this is the case then I think getting involved in finding a place is the way to put yourself and DH first.

If DD is not able to do this on her own it will end up with her having nowhere to go - which could mean living in her car if she has one, perhaps not being able to hold the job she currently has etc.

I think I would jump in to help her relocate and then try to address the medication issue etc so that things might improve for the long term.

[EmDB]

She has found a place. We offered her 1000 in assistance, she has put off communicating, and she must be moved out by the end of this month, which is 6 days from now.  She is weekending with her new boyfriend elsewhere, I don't know what her progress is with packing but we bought all the materials for that.  I fear she will approach at last minute to say she needs first and last months rent and all the deposits, which totals 2400.  She hasn't yet, but last-minute is how she does things, as exampled by her lack of moving prep. We don't have it to give her and I my past experience with her has me fearing that she will dive into crisis, self-injure, attempt to take her life (again).  Honestly, I feel exploited by her and my gut tells me that our past history of assisting her in crisis has led to her taking advantage of us over and over and over.  She has learned nothing except we step in to help her avert crises.  Which is ironic because her profession requires her to access services for people in crisis.  Her refusal to communicate until the last minute is part of it; if I'm projecting it is based on my past direct experiences with her. 
She knows we are financially strapped in our retirement.  Having two daughters diagnosed with BPD (one died by suicide) has us broken, emotionally and spiritually and now, financially. 
Darkly, I think she uses my fear that she will kill herself to get what she wants from me.
And I am not happy to admit this, I come off looking like a horrible person.
 

[Sancho]

Hi EmDB
I can feel your tension - and know it so well!  The days - weeks - before an event in which DD is supposed to be taking some sort of charge, but no - off somewhere else are just so hard to get through. Also being able to foresee the possibility of being drawn in somehow, just to get it to happen. The tension is really dreadful because the stakes are so high for you and your DH.

All this on top of the grief that you must carry having already lost a daughter.

The immediate stress is that you anticipate DD will not have the money to put up front for the new place - and you don't have that money. You have already done what you can to help make this work.

While you countdown to 'move day', the feeling of being cornered by all of this is really strong. We see the impulsiveness, the manipulation, the inability to take control over the 'normal' things of life. We feel battered and bruised. Here we go again!

I am wondering how soon you can find out if DD has the money needed for the move? Does DD know you don’t have that money? You seem to anticipate that DD won’t have it – probably from past experience. If you have the energy, it would be good to focus on that possibility and what options there would be.

Is one option living with the new boyfriend? Would she be able to get to work from there etc?

Would another option be DD taking a loan to cover the money needed with an automatic withdrawal for repayment be possible for DD to do?

Would staying somewhere where there isn’t a requirement for upfront payment be an option? Where I am I would be thinking caravan park – somewhere where getting to work would be possible.


The sooner you know the sooner you can move to look at options. This is a crunch time regarding having a roof over her head because she can’t stay with you and DH.

I think the GP needs to know the effect of the medication. While you can’t discuss DD with a treating doctor without her permission, you can pass on information that is vital to her health. But that’s in the ‘next step’ category – you need to get through this week.

If you are up to it, let us know whether DD has the money for this move. It’s the key question at this time because of everything that hinges on it. If the move can happen, then, if you can summon the energy, you could have some breathing space to look at anything you can do to break the cycle and have some space for you and DH to value your own lives and each other.

Thinking of you over these days, that’s for sure.

[PearlsBefore]

After several months of failed starts and failures to...launch(?) - I waited for a day I knew my dBPD was going to be out of town all day. Went out, found a place for rent, paid first and last month's rent, and moved all her stuff over to the new place and got it half set-up before she got "home" to hear the good news that I'd found a place that was going to work out unlike all the others she hadn't been able to get!

It didn't go as badly as you might think; and she lived there until the rent ran out at least.

I'm sorry because it's not a perfect solution to your situation, but the idea of just doing all the work yourself without even telling them - then pretending it's like a "surprise party" and a happy joyous moment for them...might be worth exploring. "Great news, we got a place and you can move in right now!"