Smear Campaign Already Started?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My dBPDw has started making negative posts about me on Facebook. I have not been on the platform in years due to her jealousy forcing me to close my account. However, my cousin sent me a text yesterday alerting me to the posts and sending me screenshots. It seems as if my wife is trying to make herself look like a victim to a wider audience so that she can garner support as well as smear me.

Some background on the specific smear: Five years ago my wife and I separated the day before the Covid lockdown began. We had separated because nine months prior, I had finally brought up the subject of having children two years after she had suffered a miscarriage. I had given her two years to grieve and signal to me that she was ready to try again. Because I was approaching my mid-40s and she was approaching her early 40s, we were biologically running out of time, and I could no longer wait to bring it up.

She immediately shot down the idea of trying to conceive again. I said, "ok, well let's look into adoption then." She also shot that down. That left me with zero options for having children, which we had agreed to when we got married. This was a known deal-breaker for me. Even if we had divorced, in my state, it is nearly impossible for a single man in his 40s to adopt a child. She basically was vetoing my right to be a parent. For nine months, I begged her to change her mind, and she would reply by screaming at me to just divorce her and find someone else younger.

Over Christmas that year I broke down in tears because my not having children would mean that my family line would end. My family had slowly been shrinking over the years due to death and I foresaw my parents passing, my brother (who is childless) living overseas, and me sitting old and alone with only my abusive wife for company during the holidays. Comparing this bleak vision of the future to the joyous, love-filled family holidays of my childhood was overwhelming and I couldn't hold back the tears. My wife mocked me and laughed at me. This cruelty continued for several more months until I had planned my escape. In March, I moved into a house owned by my parents, and the next day the Covid lockdown began.

Over the next two months, I was stuck in that house alone. I was working remotely and only leaving to buy groceries once a week. I was in a dark place emotionally. I couldn't even make an appointment to see a divorce attorney because of the lockdown. During this time, I was curious to see if there were even any "age-appropriate" (no more than 5-10 years my junior) women who were looking to meet someone and open to having kids. I created a dating profile to "gauge the market" and see what I would be dealing with once I started the divorce. I was worried that at my age, the parent ship had sailed for me forever. I never contacted anyone or went on any dates (it was during lockdown), but of course, my wife found the profile. Needless to say, she was furious. I simply told her that she told me to divorce her and find someone else. What did she expect?

When she realized that I was serious about moving on, she begged me to go to marriage counseling and told me she had changed her mind about having kids. We got back together, and a little over a year later, our son was born. Since then, my wife has brought up our separation and the dating profile as a weapon whenever she gets very dysregulated. However, this is the first time that she has (to my knowledge) posted about it on social media. I know that there is very little I can do about this. It is not slander or defamation because there is a seed of truth to what she is posting. However, the context is that we were separated and planning on divorce at the time. It was also five years ago, and she is implying that this is something that I have just done. I feel zero guilt about my actions, given the circumstances, although I do regret not waiting until I formally started the divorce process to create a profile on a dating website.

What should my response be, if any? Should I just ignore it and act like it doesn't phase me? I did tell her that I was aware of her post on Facebook, but that was all I said. I am trying to give her the "grey rock" treatment where I won't let her see that anything she does fazes me. The thought is that when her attempts to get a rise out of me are unsuccessful, she will stop the behavior. Part of me is afraid though that she will escalate and start making increasingly negative, and this time truly false and defamatory claims about me on social media.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Btw: I will be bringing this up with my lawyer when I next see her, but that won't be for a week or so.

HurtAndTired

[HurtAndTired]

My dBPDw has started making negative posts about me on Facebook. I have not been on the platform in years due to her jealousy forcing me to close my account. However, my cousin sent me a text yesterday alerting me to the posts and sending me screenshots. It seems as if my wife is trying to make herself look like a victim to a wider audience so that she can garner support as well as smear me.

Some background on the specific smear: Five years ago my wife and I separated the day before the Covid lockdown began. We had separated because nine months prior, I had finally brought up the subject of having children two years after she had suffered a miscarriage. I had given her two years to grieve and signal to me that she was ready to try again. Because I was approaching my mid-40s and she was approaching her early 40s, we were biologically running out of time, and I could no longer wait to bring it up.

She immediately shot down the idea of trying to conceive again. I said, "ok, well let's look into adoption then." She also shot that down. That left me with zero options for having children, which we had agreed to when we got married. This was a known deal-breaker for me. Even if we had divorced, in my state, it is nearly impossible for a single man in his 40s to adopt a child. She basically was vetoing my right to be a parent. For nine months, I begged her to change her mind, and she would reply by screaming at me to just divorce her and find someone else younger.

Over Christmas that year I broke down in tears because my not having children would mean that my family line would end. My family had slowly been shrinking over the years due to death and I foresaw my parents passing, my brother (who is childless) living overseas, and me sitting old and alone with only my abusive wife for company during the holidays. Comparing this bleak vision of the future to the joyous, love-filled family holidays of my childhood was overwhelming and I couldn't hold back the tears. My wife mocked me and laughed at me. This cruelty continued for several more months until I had planned my escape. In March, I moved into a house owned by my parents, and the next day the Covid lockdown began.

Over the next two months, I was stuck in that house alone. I was working remotely and only leaving to buy groceries once a week. I was in a dark place emotionally. I couldn't even make an appointment to see a divorce attorney because of the lockdown. During this time, I was curious to see if there were even any "age-appropriate" (no more than 5-10 years my junior) women who were looking to meet someone and open to having kids. I created a dating profile to "gauge the market" and see what I would be dealing with once I started the divorce. I was worried that at my age, the parent ship had sailed for me forever. I never contacted anyone or went on any dates (it was during lockdown), but of course, my wife found the profile. Needless to say, she was furious. I simply told her that she told me to divorce her and find someone else. What did she expect?

When she realized that I was serious about moving on, she begged me to go to marriage counseling and told me she had changed her mind about having kids. We got back together, and a little over a year later, our son was born. Since then, my wife has brought up our separation and the dating profile as a weapon whenever she gets very dysregulated. However, this is the first time that she has (to my knowledge) posted about it on social media. I know that there is very little I can do about this. It is not slander or defamation because there is a seed of truth to what she is posting. However, the context is that we were separated and planning on divorce at the time. It was also five years ago, and she is implying that this is something that I have just done. I feel zero guilt about my actions, given the circumstances, although I do regret not waiting until I formally started the divorce process to create a profile on a dating website.

What should my response be, if any? Should I just ignore it and act like it doesn't phase me? I did tell her that I was aware of her post on Facebook, but that was all I said. I am trying to give her the "grey rock" treatment where I won't let her see that anything she does fazes me. The thought is that when her attempts to get a rise out of me are unsuccessful, she will stop the behavior. Part of me is afraid though that she will escalate and start making increasingly negative, and this time truly false and defamatory claims about me on social media.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Btw: I will be bringing this up with my lawyer when I next see her, but that won't be for a week or so.

HurtAndTired

[CC43]

Hi Hurt,

First, I'm glad you have the son you always wanted.

If I were you, I'd ignore the post(s) on social media.  As you probably know, by giving it attention, or by JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending or explaining), you're confirming to your ex that she's getting a rise out of you.  By engaging with her, even indirectly, you are "rewarding" her, and she likely has incentive to take things a step further.  I'm willing to bet that among the people who know you and your ex, they will understand that you're the good guy, and she's the unhinged one.  As for the people who don't know you well, the post would be uninteresting and very quickly forgotten.  If the whole thing is triggering you, I might advise that you stay off social media for a while.  You have more important things to think about.  The good thing is that your kid is too young to read any of the negative posts.  If you decide to divorce, a typical part of the settlement is a non-disparagement clause.  However, I think it's hard to enforce.

By the way, if you are considering having more children, I'd say that a divorced dad with a kid can be considered a catch.  Take it from me, after trying to date men when I was in my 30s and 40s.  I found that the single guys tended to be immature, unestablished and, most of all, unwilling to commit.  They mostly wanted fun and freedom.  Yet a divorced guy, especially a divorced guy with a kid, now he's willing to commit.  He's serious.  And if he's a primary caregiver, he's definitely a family man.  A woman can easily see how much he loves and cares for his kid.  That can be very attractive for a woman who is looking for a family.  The rub is, does he have baggage from a prior relationship?  Is he emotionally "over" his divorce and his ex?  Is he just looking to celebrate his new freedom?  There are some people like this, but it's pretty easy to figure out.  I found that within a year of divorce, it might be too soon for a serious relationship.  But once issues are (mostly) resolved (I say "mostly" because when there's a kid involved, there's usually some sort of continued contact with an ex), a divorced dad can be more attractive than many single guys.  However, I stayed away from guys who were separated--they are technically still married, and there's too much baggage.  I was looking for a partner, not a fling.

Just my two cents.

[HurtAndTired]

CC43,

Thank you for your kind words. They are much appreciated. I am going to take your advice and just let this roll off of me like water off a duck's back. I am even grateful that she is starting to show her unhinged side to people outside of the household. At this point in the process, my strategy is to document, document, document. If she ups the ante and starts posting things that could hurt my professional reputation (I am a public school teacher) I might have to shift strategies, but have already "headed her off at the pass" by speaking with my principal and HR over a year ago about my abusive marriage and warned them that they may receive some types of smear against me in the future. Particularly in regard to her sporadic accusations that I am having affairs with fellow teachers, students' parents, and even occasionally when she is very dysregulated, with my students. This type of attack on my character, if made publically, would merit a swift and severe response. I will, however, cross that bridge if I ever have to come to it.

As far as having more children, I just turned 50 this past year and am more than satisfied with having my son. One and done is ok with me. He is truly the love of my life, and I would be perfectly happy to live the rest of my life as a single dad in a peaceful environment where I could devote more attention to being the best father I can be, and not having to lose bandwidth on constantly managing stress and trying to keep chaos out of our home. If, at some point in the future, I were to meet someone, that would just be the icing on top of the cake. However, I have been working on loving myself and feel like I need to be ok with being single forever before I would ever be emotionally healthy enough to ensure that I did not fall into another abusive relationship (this is my second personality disorder marriage). I would be happy to be a part of a blended family, though, if I were to ever meet a woman who already had a kid (or kids) and it was a relationship based on mutual trust, respect, and love. For now, taking care of myself so that I can take care of my son is my first and most important priority.

Thanks again,

HurtAndTired

[CC43]

Hey there Hurt,

That sounds very healthy of you!  You have your priorities straight.  Your plan to document is a sound one.  My opinion is, if your coworkers or supervisors heard about unfounded accusations about you, they would likely side with you!  Even if they didn't side with you right away, and they followed the protocol of investigating any valid accusation, they'd quickly see that the accusations hold no water.  It's probably good that you were discreetly up front about your ex, so that your supervisor(s) aren't totally taken by surprise if your ex says something outrageous.  My bet is that this sort of issue is not that uncommon.
 Unfortunately, there are many unhinged people out there, and plenty of issues with people in the process of separation or divorce.  At different points in my career, I had HR, Compliance and Security staff report to me where I worked, and I was amazed by the amount of employee "craziness" that cropped up, including unfounded accusations.  I guess I shouldn't have been amazed, but sometimes the truth can be stranger than fiction.  And you know what?  The solution typically involved just what you propose:  document, document, document.  Dates, times, statements, investigation, conclusion, confidential reporting, resolution.

By the way, I have an immediate family member going through a very acrimonious divorce right now (the ex is uNPD), and it has been dragging on for six years because the ex is both uncooperative and unresponsive, except when it comes to lies and threats.  Like you, my family member often worries about what terrible things the ex will say to the kids' teachers, friends, etc.  Well let me tell you--most people already suspect the ex is disordered.  In fact, the uNPD in my life is well known by the police, the town hall, medical staff, social services and the kids' school.  He basically has a lengthy non-criminal rap sheet of questionable and erratic incidents.  Amongst the people who know the ex, he's deemed to be some combination of flaky/high risk/unhinged/nonsensical.  Though he can talk a good game when you first meet him, he has a million and one excuses/weird stories, and people quickly realize that something is definitely "off."  When he does something more egregious, their suspicions are confirmed.  So this is why I said that people who are important to you will side with you.  They probably already know that something is "off" with the ex, but they don't have a full picture, and they don't want to get involved.  But if the ex tries to pull a stunt, I think people will understand.  And that's one of the reasons I can say you can ignore the social media posts . . . you focus on being the good guy that you are, and there should be no need to defend yourself from false accusations on social media.  You don't stoop to her level, or give her any attention that she's hoping to get from you.

You deserve to be happy, and that starts with being happy with yourself and your son.  You're only in your early 50s, you have decades to look forward to.  I think it's never too late to fall in love.  But that starts with loving yourself, and not beating yourself up for everything. 

[EyesUp]

@HaT,

Sorry you're dealing with this.

It's great that you have people in your corner who are able to alert you to the situation.  Keep those screenshots.  Document, document, document.

My suggestion would be to reach out to a limited group of people who you care about and let them know that if they catch wind of anything online, that you are ready and available to answer any questions they might have.  You might acknowledge that you're already aware that things have been posted that might raise concerns, however, you will not respond in kind or engage online - and leave it at that.

When I went through this, a number of friends regularly sent me screenshots of my uBPDxw's victim narrative / slander.  I never addressed directly with her, however I kept a file for my atty.  Fortunately I didn't have to use it.  I doubt that judges relish reviewing this material - it can make everyone look bad. 

Did your W respond in any way when you mentioned it?  Perhaps others will have ideas about how - or if - to set a boundary.  Too often, engaging in any way will feed the fire of emotional conflict - simply acknowledging this stuff can trigger... other stuff.

Hopefully this will help illustrate the situation for your atty so you can frame an effective strategy.  Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

I'll speak from a legal aspect, though I'm no lawyer.

I discovered during 8 years in and out of family court, the court is not interested in incidents older than 6 months before filing.  It considers them too old ("stale") to be actionable.  A comparison is if you called the emergency line and said, "My barn almost burned down a week ago" you'd get a response like, "Call back when you have an ongoing emergency."  If court policy discounts it, then you can too.

Be careful you avoid "he said, she said" exchanges.  In general without documentation it is considered hearsay and, again, ignored.

If you feel you must have a response, don't apologize since that may give an appearance of admission or guilt.  Rather, perhaps there may be a way to say, "I'm sorry you FEEL that way."  Last I heard, you can't be found guilty for hurting someone's feelings.