Estrangement from Borderline daughter

[nikebear]

Hello, I am hopeful to find this website. I have felt so alone in my grief and my need to set boundaries with my daughter. She just moved back with an abusive boyfriend with her two kids. This was the fifth time she had moved in with us. Her boyfriend had a court date for smashing her windshield and I thought finally she will move on. However she kept flip flopping and begging the prosecution to remove charges. After all that she secretly left when I was not home. She promised nothing would change. However when we did not want her toxic and narcissistic boyfriend in our home for Sunday dinner, she cut off all contact. I keep second guessing myself, even though my therapist said it’s important to set boundaries. I want so desperately to have her in my life. But after reading her three page statement of all he has done to her over the last five years, it’s too much. This continual cycle has brought me so much anguish. I miss her, and my grandkids, and somehow I’m the enemy even though he has abused her for years.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello nikebear and a warm

Grief makes sense in your situation; the cycle of moving in and out and in and out sounds like repeated losses over and over. When grandchildren are involved, losing those relationships is very painful, too. And, I wonder if you're also grieving the loss of who you hoped she could be -- I'm sure you wanted her to have a stable, healthy life, and instead it sounds unstable and hurtful.

How old are the grandkids? Are you able to stay in touch with them independently of your daughter, or does she manage contact?

I keep second guessing myself, even though my therapist said it’s important to set boundaries.

In what areas does your therapist have you working on boundaries? For example, finances, social media, vehicle use...? Or is it less about a specific area, and more in general in your life? Not sure if you've had a chance to see it yet; we have a thread on Boundaries and Values that could be good supporting material for what you're doing in therapy.

Keep us posted on how things are going for you... looking forward to learning more of your story

kells76

[TTUD]

Oh my goodness, there are so many similarities with our 33 year old daughter. Shes been off and on with this guy for years told us how abusive he was. We helped her get away. She lasted 2 years and went back with him. They tried to convince us he was changed (we knew better) but we love her and it’s her choice to be with him. Come to find out they’re drinking all the time, fighting. She hits him and he hits her. The last time she ran to us wanting help. She said he smacked her across the face. Her dad was ready to run over there and pummel the guy( I stopped him) and she sucks me into helping her again. Saying he’s so abusive he’s cheating etc. Then all the sudden she cuts off communication. Then tells us she married him.  My therapist told me before she even married him that she will never leave this guy. She’s addicted to the the thrill and drama. I don’t believe her until she married him. Life with is BPDD is exhausting.

[nikebear]

I just found out that my daughter ran and got married. She was never going to tell us. And was more concerned with how we found out. It’s exhausting. I miss my grandkids, I saw them the other day and they acted like we were strangers. I feel like we are the villains now. It’s so sad. It’s like a never ending nightmare that I can’t wake up from.