Trying not to lose my mind.

[JazzSinger]

My HwuBPD is wearing me out.  I’m trying to recover from a medical procedure, and of course, he’s uncomfortable with me, because I’m not 100%.  The degree to which he’s picking at everything I say, every twitch of my eye, every blink, and even the slightest, meaningless  movement I make,  is making me feel like I’m losing it.  What’s worse is that he’s not even aware of what he’s doing.  He doesn’t know he’s a nuisance. He tells me  I’m being difficult, even when I’m quiet. 

He thinks I’m annoyed with him. Little does he know, that’s a constant in my life these days.  But right now, I’m in pain and I’m uncomfortable.  He knows it, but somehow he’s making it about him.

Normally, I’d go out for a walk, or have lunch with a friend, or get a manicure. But I can’t, because my mobility is temporarily impaired. So I just  have to stay home and take it.   I’m so angry and frustrated, that I just want to scream, and tell him how I really feel. But I can’t.  He’d never understand, and I’d end up on a crazy, verbal rollercoaster with him, and the ride could last for hours.  I don’t have the energy for it.

He’s impossible. 

He recently threatened to leave, because I’m so awful.  I told him to go ahead.  He backed down and started joking around. .  I told him to go ahead and walk out, because I MUST set  boundaries. I can’t just let him threaten me, be mean to me, jerk me around, and try to upset me, every time he’s feeling uncomfortable, with no consequences. No pushback.  Truth be told, I’d rather live on my own — he gives me very little support anyway. But it’s also true that neither one of us can afford to live separately and maintain the same lifestyle we’re accustomed to. It would be a hardship, particularly because we are both in our golden years. 

I think things will improve when I am healed and can get out of the house, away from him. I’m praying for strength, so that I remain calm and I don’t  blow up and blow off steam, in front of him. .  It will only make him angry and more unbearable.  I really need a couple of days away from him, but I can’t make that happen until I’m feeling better.

It’s so crazy that I’m the one who is in physical pain, and he’s upset with me because of it.  Because I can’t be the same pain-free person he’s accustomed to. So he makes me the bad guy. This is almost too crazy to tolerate. 

I try to ignore him. I meditate. I pray. I take deep breaths. I only half listen to whatever he’s saying. But I really need to get out of the house, as soon as I am able.  I am at my wits end, but I’m holding on. 

I have a dental  appointment tomorrow, and I’ve decided to go.  It’s just a follow up — no  real work will be done. And  It’ll get me away from him.  I’ll take an Uber, and I’ll hobble into his office.  I’ll be at peace for a while.  Then I’ll take an Uber to the nail salon.  I’ll be pampered. I’ve got to get away from him.

Just needed  to vent. 

[HurtAndTired]

Hi Jazz,

Do you have a local friend that you could stay with while you recover? I know that you can't afford to live apart, but if you have a friend with a guestroom, it sounds like a recovery based "staycation" with a sympathetic person could be just what the doctor ordered.

HurtAndTired

[Notwendy]

One thought- BPD mother's behavior increases when she's alone at home with someone. Why- because the person is a "captive" audience. It's similar to when we are in the car with her.

You can't really change this right now but keep in mind- this is temporary. Once you are recovered you can go back to your routine.

Noise cancelling headphones, a good book, and a locked door come to mind   or headphones plugged into your computer and binge watch a series!

[JazzSinger]

Hi Jazz,

Do you have a local friend that you could stay with while you recover? I know that you can't afford to live apart, but if you have a friend with a guestroom, it sounds like a recovery based "staycation" with a sympathetic person could be just what the doctor ordered.



HurtAndTired

HurtAndTired,

A staycation is indeed just what the doctor ordered.  If not with a friend, in an affordable hotel room, AWAY from him. I don’t have to go far — I just need a couple of days of peace and solitude. 

Thanks so much. 

[JazzSinger]

One thought- BPD mother's behavior increases when she's alone at home with someone. Why- because the person is a "captive" audience. It's similar to when we are in the car with her.

You can't really change this right now but keep in mind- this is temporary. Once you are recovered you can go back to your routine.

Noise cancelling headphones, a good book, and a locked door come to mind   or headphones plugged into your computer and binge watch a series!

NotWendy,

You are on point. 

I am definitely a captive audience, and it does seem like he’s pulling out all the stops. 

His vision in one eye isn’t very good, so sometimes I have earbuds in my ears and I’m listening to music, or watching something on YouTube, while he’s talking, unbeknownst to him. And I binge-watch stuff on Netflix, to shrink down his negative chatter. 

Thankfully, I’m better now, and I started getting out yesterday.  I’ve set up a schedule for myself, going 2-weeks out.

I’m happy to be free, and I’m already feeling better. 

Thanks so much.

Jazz

[Pook075]

Hey Jazz, I'm so sorry you're having medical issues.  That alone is no fun....but you also have the BPD to deal with.

You're still walking on eggshells around him and allowing him to abuse you; I agree with others that a short getaway is in your best interests.  But at the same time, you must tell him that you can't take the constant pestering and insults, that you're leaving because he's acting like a spoiled child and you don't deserve that.  Then if he starts ranting in defense, call the Uber and be on your way.

This holds him accountable.  It says you want to be home with him, but only if he shows you respect.  The minute he can't do that, you're off to the nail salon or the spa.  Let him become very used to this pattern until he realizes that his actions have consequences.

[JazzSinger]

Hey Jazz, I'm so sorry you're having medical issues.  That alone is no fun....but you also have the BPD to deal with.

You're still walking on eggshells around him and allowing him to abuse you; I agree with others that a short getaway is in your best interests.  But at the same time, you must tell him that you can't take the constant pestering and insults, that you're leaving because he's acting like a spoiled child and you don't deserve that.  Then if he starts ranting in defense, call the Uber and be on your way.

This holds him accountable.  It says you want to be home with him, but only if he shows you respect.  The minute he can't do that, you're off to the nail salon or the spa.  Let him become very used to this pattern until he realizes that his actions have consequences.

Pook075,

Thankfully, my health issues are over, and I’m back out in the world again. I’m also planning my 2-day getaway. 

Thanks so much for your concern.  Please know that I often set boundaries with my H, but it doesn’t stop him from being verbally abusive. He keeps on going.  Of course we know —  he’s not a normal person.  But my hope is if I call him out whenever he’s being annoying and disrespectful, he’ll stop doing it, eventually. But for now,  all he does is accuse me of doing whatever he’s doing at the time, or he denies any inappropriate behavior. He lives in a different world.  This is why I  need breaks from him.

I also leave the room when I can’t tolerate whatever he’s saying. I don’t sit there and take it. Sometimes, when I return, he’s forgotten all about whatever it was, but at other times, he simply continues! He’s impossible.

I spend as little time as possible at home, because of him.  But I’m a senior citizen, and I don’t have enough energy to spend an entire day away from home, even though our busy city certainly provides enough things to do.  When he’s sleeping, I do a lot of my writing and reflecting, because he talks too much when he’s awake.   I find my peace wherever and whenever I can.  And I make no excuses for having a separate life with my friends, outside of my home.

Soon, I’ll get that 2 day break.

Jazz