It seemed to me at that time that the person I was wanting a break from was my mother. I didn't see my dad's fault in it. You know he never called me or emailed or texted in those three years. I didn't understand. I couldn't. I was devastated to understand that my mother never loved me so I had no energy or ability to understand that it applied to him as well.
Welcome to the board. I think this post fits into the board with parents- and I think the moderators will move it.
I also thought the person "with the issues" is BPD mother. I didn't understand my father's role in their relationship. It's a lot to process. First- to say - your parents' feelings are not about you. In my situation, my BPD mother's ability to love another person is limited. She is so overwhelmed with her own emotions, I don't think she's capable. I think the saying "you have to have self love in order to love someone else" is true- and in her situation, I don't know if she has a stable sense of self to love.
Your mother didn't choose to not love you, she isn't able to.
What about Dad? Dad is enmeshed. He's the co-dependent partner. My best guess is that he may have wanted to contact you, but your mother probably has so much control over that, and if she found out, it would be difficult for him. My BPD mother shared my father's email address. If I called him, she'd be listening on the phone. Sometimes I'd call and he'd answer and we'd begin talking. I'd hear her pick up on the extension ( house phone land line) and he'd immediately hang up. Anything I said to him was shared with her.
As to other members in the family. Dad was the glue between some relationships, and they fell apart.
As to inheritances- if the dynamics in a family are disordered, adding the prospect of money brings out dysfunction. There aren't any assets from my parents so it's not something I've experienced. However, there are other posters who have had major issues with siblings over assets due to the family dynamics and hopefully they will share their experiences. After these experiences, the bonds with disordered siblings are dissolved.
I think processing our own parents' behavior takes time. I was able to understand my father's role in this better when I had to work on my own co-dependent behaviors. Since Dad was the more "normal" one, I didn't recognize these behaviors as problematic. They were "normal" in my family growing up but not helpful to me as an adult. My conclusion- BPD mother is too disordered herself to truly love another person. Dad did love me, but he also was overwhelmed by BPD mother's needs and fearful of her response if he didn't go along with her. Also, if she was angry- he lived with her, and I had moved away. I don't think we fully know the dynamics between our parents.
I also believe your father loved you to the best of his ability. Chances are- your mother was monitoring his communication and would escalate her behaviors if she saw he did that. Read about the Karpman triangle- it will help you to understand the dyanamics.
Just because your parents were limited in how well they could love you- this isn't your fault ,and you are deserving of love. All humans are.
