Help please. How do I let go without it hurting so bad

[Allforone2017]

My partner is a male with BPD.we reconnected in 2021 in February. We were together 6mo and something felt off but we never fought or anything. He would just have odd behaviors. July 2021 he randomly broke up with me. Let me be clear he didn’t just break up he demolished me. He put me down, blamed me but couldn’t name anything I’d done just weird statements of “you just don’t know how you are”. I was blindsided. As it turns out he had went that day to a family gathering where his ex was attending. August before my bday he came over and one day said he was all in and that he had just been scared. I believed him. We were doing so well and decided to lease a home. I lived in another state so would be moving my whole life. It wasn’t the smartest decision. Before moving in I found out from the ex that he had been cheating nearly the whole time and she had previously threatened to tell me.  I was crushed. He gave me the story that it was because of guilt for his kids and when he tried to pull away she’d pull the kids. I took him back, he did it again. Took him back found a  Facebook profile where he was checking for other women. Took him back, Christmas 2023 he said he wanted to be together with all the kids as a family. Couple days later find out he cheated and left her bed at 3 to come to me. He gave me a sad story about his parents and he stayed over. Turned out he slept with her and woke up freaked out and headed to me because of “guilt”. He barely knew her. I had to find out from others. When confronted he first called me crazy and said I was just looking for things. When I showed proof I was just “digging” and how did I find out etc. it was “well I wasn’t sure you and I would work”. I know I sound pretty dumb. Writing this out I feel that way. The people he betrayed me with he spoke horrible about me to. Things I did not say or do. We broke up 2024 January and then I received a message in July.  Well, I bought it and accepted him back and we’re together now and face a break up but I feel he will take it back and if I say no, he will try to make things so difficult. But I know I have to. I realize I am trauma bonded. I feel like I had to try and save him. I researched and found a top therapist on BPD. He studied under the Lineman group. But so far he’s using the therapist to make me feel like it’s me. He said I co escalate and even though he is high conflict it is “my job as a woman to deescalate” him. I told him I am not responsible to de-escalate  him. I can help but it isn’t my responsibility. It was hard to say this. He says such mean things when he is triggered. Sometimes he gets annoyed by something like I made too much noise with a popsicle or told jokes that were not funny. Ihave tried not doing those and so much more. Once he told me I was annoying because I came over too excited to see him and his kids. He says that because he told me nicely that me being hurt is wrong and it’s my fault then if he doesn’t tell me anything. He compares me to past relationships to blame me for conflict and I try so hard to not even argue.  But when I try to validate and deescalate he will get worse until he says something hurtful enough for me to say enough and then he says it’s me “see it’s you, you can’t handle anything”. “I have BPD it’s harder for me you don’t have it you should be the one to not react”. I’m so exhausted I’m sick every day. I have panic attacks I’ve been broke up with while laying in the same bed more times than I can account. Had him smile while making my emotions small. I’m so scared he is NPD and not BPD. The therapist was asking questions that seem like he feels or thinks it’s possible to the point my pwBPD realized it. I’m scared the emotional is so engrained that I will not end things. My mind says he doesn’t mean it. It’s the  brain disorder. My heart says it to. But then I see and feel these abusive things and I am scared. How can I break free and not look back. Is it really. BPD? Why does it feel he starts conflict over odd things to be the victim in a breakup to free him from a relationship while he can do what he wants or change his mind. It’s a lot I know but I’m desperate to get this figured out. I’m embarrassed reading my own words. I’ve loved him. Paid for and got the. BEST therapist.  I’ve held him through emotional break downs. But I can’t share a hurt without facing repercussions. I’m so tired.

[ForeverDad]

I’m so scared he is NPD and not BPD.

It is possible it is both - co-morbid.  Most of us never hear of an actual diagnosis, so the best we can do is to assess as best we can what we're dealing with and then proceed from there.

Clearly he is all over the map, consistently inconsistent and you bearing the pain of it all.  Infidelity often is a hallmark trait too.

Retired clinical psychologist Joe Carver wrote an online pamphlet describing the common behaviors.  He identified traits of controllers and abusers in his PDFs on his website.  One of the articles there is: Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships

On our site we host this article:
PDF | Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

We are here to help you gain insight, education, skills and determination to choose a better and safer path forward.

[Pook075]

I’m so scared he is NPD and not BPD. The therapist was asking questions that seem like he feels or thinks it’s possible to the point my pwBPD realized it.

BPD and NPD are simply labels to suggest the best possible treatment options, and there's so much that's still unknown about mood disorders. I also believed that my ex wife was more NPD because I had many of the same conversations, being told, "You shouldn't be upset about that, it's not a thing and you're just over-reacting."  Having someone else tell you how you're allowed to feel is the most frustrating thing in the world, at least in my opinion.

Here's a few facts to keep in mind:

1) This is not your fault and you're not responsible for him.  You're responsible for you only.

2)  You can't fix him, you won't fix him, and nothing in the world can fix him...even the best BPD psychiatrist in the world...if he's not ready to actively change.  Until he realizes that he's the problem, it will not get better other than temporary efforts to save the relationship.  In other words, he manipulates you to get his way.

3) You can, however, fix yourself at any time because you realize the problem here.  Prioritize self care and stop allowing yourself to feel like a victim.  Get in therapy to deal with the trauma of a BPD relationship.  Start putting more focus on you and less on him.

You posted in the conflicted forum since you're not positive whether to stay or go.  But when it comes to actual abuse, which you've mentioned multiple times, a trial separation makes a whole lot of sense.  The key to it though is that you have to be willing to make it permanent if he's not willing to take therapy seriously.  Words cannot be enough to turn things around because words are cheap and manipulative...you need to see repetitive actions.

This is not your fault and the abusive cycles have to end.  In BPD/NPD relationships, that's exactly what it is....a cycle of putting you on a pedestal and then breaking you down.  Like you said, it is mental illness and it's not entirely his fault, but that doesn't give him a free pass to abuse anyone.  Only you can make the active changes to make the abuse stop though, so you must be strong and actually put yourself 1st.

I hope that helps!

[Allforone2017]

Thank you for the replies and yes, it helps and makes sense. I know it all makes sense. However, I need my heart and the trauma bond to catch up to what my mind is telling me. I know my job intimidates him as well. He brings it up a lot and in a way tries to bring me down. I’m the CCO/COO of a hospital and I’ve worked very hard to get there. My position almost took a hit with this because I prioritize people. But the problem is I am not being prioritized. As the advice says, I need to do better at that. Thank you both so much.

[PeteWitsend]

... My mind says he doesn’t mean it. It’s the  brain disorder. My heart says it to. But then I see and feel these abusive things and I am scared. How can I break free and not look back. Is it really. BPD? Why does it feel he starts conflict over odd things to be the victim in a breakup to free him from a relationship while he can do what he wants or change his mind. It’s a lot I know but I’m desperate to get this figured out. I’m embarrassed reading my own words. I’ve loved him. Paid for and got the. BEST therapist.  I’ve held him through emotional break downs. But I can’t share a hurt without facing repercussions. I’m so tired.

I think you need to let go of the need to know, because it's more or less impossible to do so.  As Pook075 noted, BPD/NPD are really just labels used to fashion treatment... it's not like giving someone a COVID test and getting a yes/no answer; in order to diagnose a behavior disorder, a therapist has to really observe the person and see consistent patterns of behavior that fit the description.

Given pwBPD notoriously struggle with honesty, and are constantly blaming others for their behavior - even IF they go to therapy or seek counseling, you can imagine how difficult it is to actually diagnose them accurately.

But I get the sense you're looking for a diagnosis here because you hope you can "change" him, and that's just not realistic. 

You need to realize that regardless of whether he is BPD, NPD or both, it doesn't matter.  You've seen how he treats. and how he will continue to treat not only you but other women in his life, and it's up to you to decide whether you're going to allow yourself to be treated this way, or move on with your life and heal. 

[seekingtheway]

I can feel the exhaustion in your post - and that's a big barrier when it comes to thinking clearly and being ready to take action, so I wonder if your first steps are to create a little bit of space around you, so that you've got a chance to gather your internal resources? And please try and be gentle with yourself and don't be ashamed or embarrassed - this is what happens in relationships where there is a power imbalance - you get stuck and accept all kinds of things you know you shouldn't.

It sounds like your partner's patterns are deeply ingrained, and he has little awareness or understanding about how to interrupt those patterns, and doesn't appear to see (or have the ability to empathise with) the effect any of his behaviour is having on you. Without some major intervention, it's hard to see how that is going to change. And if he's unable to change, it puts the ball in your court, which you do seem aware of.

Breaking a trauma bond is not easy - would it help to keep writing things out here a little bit, so that you can see the situation for what it is, and make a bit of a plan of how to proceed? It could take time for your body and heart to catch up with your mind in terms of what you know to be the right way to go...

You mentioned you've been to therapy - am I right in thinking that the therapy was only for you as a couple? Or have you been able to get some individual therapy as well?

One of the biggest problems I faced as part of my relationship with my ex was the disconnect from self that seemed to happen - there was so much fog and stress and anxiety, and it had a major impact on my mental health. So I get that sense of fear and overwhelm you're most likely feeling right now. You might not do it all perfectly, and that's okay, but trying to put focus back on you and what you need right now is a good place to start.

[Allforone2017]

The more I read on this forum from you all, the more it feels comforting to see you truly understand. It can feel so isolation and like I’m literally losing my mind. I am very exhausted. I don’t look for the diagnosis to change him. It was my hope in treatment being successful. But I am at the point I agree taking space around me, focusing on what I can live with and making the choice is much more important to focus on. I cry so much. I feel like when I express my feelings in a calm kind tone, use all the right statements I’ve learned and am so gentle it does not matter. I say I am hurting and I feel like my pain isn’t validated or at least heard out to work together. He asks “then why are you with me”. “You’re just wanting to dig at me and I don’t have to listen” expressing my pain becomes about his feelings and me just thinking he isn’t doing enough. I get to feeling crazy and co fused. It gets all twisted up to the point I don’t know what is even happening. He is acting so callous right now. So cold. Almost intentionally indifferent. I used to be bright and I am very optimistic. I still try and be. I don’t joke as much because he says it is annoying and that triggers him. I don’t get too excited over things as to not annoy him. I am tired and I don’t know why this is hard to just let go. I feel like this is more painful and confusing than it should be because I don’t understand what is even happening most of the time. Why does it make me so exhausted and confused. He changes so much between loyalty and dismissal. He wants affection like hugs and talks on his time when he feels like it but if I ask he says I just think k he isn’t doing enough. He just started a job and leaves Monday for travel. I need to use that time to figure out how to disconnect. Any tips from experience would mean so much.

[Pook075]

The more I read on this forum from you all, the more it feels comforting to see you truly understand. It can feel so isolation and like I’m literally losing my mind. I am very exhausted. I don’t look for the diagnosis to change him. It was my hope in treatment being successful. But I am at the point I agree taking space around me, focusing on what I can live with and making the choice is much more important to focus on.

I have two close BPD's in my life- a 26 year old daughter (traditional BPD/bipolar) and an ex wife (quiet BPD, mis-diagnosed as clinical depression). 

The daughter almost killed me from stress and heartache...I had a heart attack in my sleep because I was so focused on "fixing her before it was too late."  Yet I know now that there was nothing I could do except for loving her and supporting her emotionally, she had to want to actively change for anything to be different.  She absolutely hated me throughout her teens and did everything possible to abuse me.  But in her early 20's, she finally hit rock bottom and realized that maybe I wasn't the problem...maybe it actually was her.  She had already been in ten years of therapy with no changes, but once her mindset shifted everything began to click and she made incredible strides.

Today, my daughter and I are close.  She loves her dad and would do anything for me.  We got to this place though because I learned to not get pulled into her drama, I set healthy boundaries that put me first, and I made sure she always knew I loved her as her #1 fan in life.  There had to be a crystal clear line though between loving/caring and not putting up with abusive behaviors.  It took me a very long time to be able to "walk that line" effectively.

For my ex wife, our family doctor (who diagnosed my daughter years earlier) asked me to describe in detail what was happening at home.  Once I did, she said it was textbook BPD and it would be a very long time before things could change.  That's ultimately what brought me to this site; even though I had a decade of experience with my kid, my wife's reactions were the complete opposite and I never would have dreamed they were both BPD.  It was exactly the same though other than their reactions, my daughter exploded when she didn't get her way while my ex wife would shut down.

With my ex, I hung onto hopes for about a year as she pursued another man.  This site helped me affirm that I was right not to walk on eggshells with my daughter, yet I never did with my ex because she would cry and blame-shift at a moment's notice.  I was so perplexed why me cleaning the kitchen would make her scream that I always judge her and say she didn't do anything around the house....I cleaned the kitchen because it needed to be cleaned, not to mock her.  So much of that stuff makes complete sense now.

After maybe 10 months, my wife and I were communicating again, although she was still all-in on the other relationship.  I probably could have waited it out and "saved the marriage", but at that point I could see clearly what I'd actually be saving.  Although I learned how to properly communicate and avoid tension, I could see how dysfunctional the marriage had become and what I'd need to do in order to make it work.  My wife refused therapy or treatment, and completely denied the doctor's unofficial diagnosis (bringing it up basically killed the last chance of reconciliation...it went horribly). 

So no matter what I did, my wife would always feel like a victim and I'd have to overlook so many things that absolutely drove me crazy inside.  To me, it felt like I'd be more of a caretaker than a husband and I didn't sign up for that.

Again, my ex and my daughter are the same...they simply react differently when they're stressed.  The two very different outcomes had absolutely nothing to do with me other than simply having patience for therapy to pay off.  My kid saw the problem and got better.  My ex denied the problem and blamed everything on me.  That's the two paths here and it all comes down to personal accountability.

I can't tell you to stay or go.  But hopefully my experiences help frame this a little better for you.  No matter what I did, no matter how much I adjusted or how much I learned, these relationships ultimately came down to the BPD's in my life wanting to get better. 

I also had two paths with each of them; to be in the center of their drama and chaos, or to distance myself enough that their erratic behaviors could no longer hurt me.  Because that's the real kicker...sometimes your kindness is taken as weakness in order to manipulate you. Allowing that to happen only makes BPD relationships worse since it becomes evident to the BPD that everything is your fault and you deserve their abuse.

[seekingtheway]

I am tired and I don’t know why this is hard to just let go. I feel like this is more painful and confusing than it should be because I don’t understand what is even happening most of the time. Why does it make me so exhausted and confused.

I really feel for you - and I do remember what it felt like to be in that grip, and so exhausted and confused, and not being able to make full sense of the situation, even though your brain is trying so hard and going a million miles an hour.

I think some of the confusion comes because he's acting in a way that doesn't make logical sense to you, and your brain is trying to figure out the solution, the best way to handle it, the best things to say, but it's almost impossible to find a way through it because it literally doesn't make sense.

You're coming up against someone's mental distortions, and so you can't really fight that with logic. But I hear in your posts that you do have logical thinking around this - the way you're expressing shows awareness and it shows clear thinking. But I understand the fog you're feeling and I know it won't feel like you've got a full grip on everything. It's not a good feeling. The body does shut down to a degree to protect you at times. Otherwise it can hurt too much, so try and see it as your body doing what it needs right now to help you through.

I also found it very hard to let go of my ex even though I could see it was very unhealthy - the reasons it was hard for me were because I was trauma bonded, which meant I did truly feel a sense of addiction to him, particularly towards the end. I was always longing to get a fix of the good times, and say and do the right thing that would get us there. I was also confused and foggy about what was going on and was flipping back and forth in my head about how I felt and what I should do, and also I was facing my own fear of abandonment, which had been massively triggered in the relationship due to him breaking up with me so many times, and also neglecting and abandoning me within the relationship. So the weird thing is, you know it's not good, you know it's not healthy, but you become terrified to let go and leave. It feels very hard.

I'm on the other side of this now - a year down the track. And it has taken time, but I'm getting there.

Let us know how you're getting on. We're here if there's anything you want to talk through.