Adult daughter BPD

[TTUD]

Hello, our 33 year old adult daughter hasn’t  been diagnosed officially. I’ve spent 3 years in therapy as a direct result of her. My therapist is convinced she has it. So many things make sense now but it feels like a life sentence that will never get better. Growing up for me was awful. My mother has BPD and made my life miserable. A lot of abuse and I swore my kids would never go thru. My family always said I stopped the cycle and I did. My husband &I have been married for almost 35 years. Our BPDD has been loved unconditionally since the second she was born.I knew something wasn’t right when she was a baby & her Kindergarten teacher told us at her first conference (she wasn’t with us) that our daughter is “the queen of manipulation” Her childhood was constant manipulating, sneaking, lying, teasing her brother, & disrespect. Her father has some narcissistic tendencies & I felt he was jealous of the kids & my relationship. He wasn’t as close with them as I was.There were many times I wasn’t backed up & our BPDD was able to drive a wedge between us. I was always the bad guy having to discipline etc. I feel this is why our kids treated me the way they did & do now. I’ve done so much for our BPDD. At one point she had 3 criminal cases in 3 counties. I almost lost my job driving her courts, I put up my paychecks for bail and helped her move numerous times. One time on our shared family computer in 2009 I was downloading music on my mp3 player. She had unknowingly uploaded a clip along with he playlist. Her friend and her were talking and my BPDD said something about me and her friend said, your mom can go f herself. My BPDD laughed hysterically. She was a senior in HS. She was lying, sneaking out, selling her Adderall. Telling other parents we abused her including her boyfriends parents at the time. She left and we couldn’t do anything because she was 17.Its been a nightmare with her. I don’t have a relationship with my mom, I cut her off after she told my BPDD that she was glad I never aborted her. (My mom tried to force me at 20 to have one and I refused.) Now my mom who has never been or wanted to be a Grandma has latched onto my kids. She’s incredibly toxic & is doing this only to hurt me. My kids have only seen her a handful of times growing up at Christmas and she was always drunk.i kept my kids from her because of how abusive she is. Now her and my BPDD are suddenly so close They’re using each other for 1 goal. To hurt me. I told my BPDD if she wanted to have a relationship with my mom she’s an adult and can do that but I will need to step back because refuse to be part of a triangle. My BPDD was fighting with her fiancé and called me begging for forgiveness and said she wants nothing to do with my mom. She was saying how wonderful her dad and I are as parents and how lucky she is I’m the best mom she could ever ask for and thank God for me and etc. I told her again if she wants the relationship with my mom I need to step back and I don’t want to be lied to. Guess what, I was lied to again she is buddies with my abusive mother who continues to happily cause even more issues between my BPDD. I stepped back as I had told her I would.
She has now convinced my moms side of the family (all alcoholics with issues) that I’m a terrible mother and she’s been abused she has convinced my dad that she’s a victim (my dad was rarely around her either)and she’s trying to work on her brother unsuccessfully.The family I grew up with now invites just my BPDD to Christmas etc. My dad calls me and purposely asks about my BPDD and then starts lecturing me on her just needing love. I knew she got to him. My family is a mess . My husband is much better now. And finally years ago figured her out. She still tries to get between us tho. She will send me book long texts telling me what a horrible mother I am and when I don’t respond she starts sending a barrage of texts to her dad asking him how he can even stand me. I wanted to be a mother so bad. My kids mean everything to me. I adored them since the day they were born. I was a good mother I loved them, played with them, encouraged them and was a stay at home mom until they were out of grade school. But I also held them accountable if they messed up.
About a year 1/2 ago my BPDD was going to leave her fiancé and said he’s abusive (they drink a lot) and had us convinced he’s an abusive monster. I tried to find help for her. She wanted to stay with us with her Pitbull and we couldn’t. He’s aggressive.she said her finance harasses her and she sleeps in her car to get away so we gave her $300 to stay in a hotel for emergencies like this she turned around and spent the money. Three weeks later she married him and told us two days later. She unfriended me on FB so I wouldn’t see my mom’s “welcome to the family”  comment on her wedding picture. I asked her why she did that. I told her she lied to me. She is now telling people I tried to ruin her wedding day. Another lie because we didn’t even know she got married for two days. She has my family convinced she’s a sweet empath. How she treats us is pure evil. They just love partying with her. There is so much I could write books but honestly my self esteem is shot.I called her out on her lies when I usually ignore her. She was livid and told me to never ever contact her again. I wasn’t the one who contacted her. She contacted us. Now she’s telling everyone she’s cut us off and blocked us. She accuses her fiance of abuse gets mad at him then runs to us. She gets mad at something we say and runs back to him calling us abusive . So sick of these games. It honestly makes me wish I was never a mother. Reading some of the stories on here helps me not feel like I’m losing my mind.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi TTUD
You are most certainly NOT losing your mind. As I read your post it kept coming into my mind ‘I read that is so and so’s post’. Of course I can identify so much of what you have written in my own story.

My DD says and posts the most awful stuff about me. None of it is true. Someone actually contacted me a while back telling me some of what they were posting – it really takes one’s breath away, especially when a) the opposite is the truth and b) I am the one who has done all the hard yards -court/rescue from dangerous situations/emergency money etc.

It really cuts you to the core, especially when people tell you that you just need to be a bit – whatever. All the lies, drama, chaos and the heartbreak of watching the slow trainwreck that your loved child’s life has become.

The breakthrough came for me when I was able to see, very clearly, that all that I saw was what BPD actually IS! This is what it looks like. It is on a spectrum of course – some have more and more intense symptoms – but this is how it looks in real life – not what you read in a diagnostic manual.

The intense emotions, the need for attention to ward of intense feelings of abandonment – this seems to be at the core of the condition and even when there is a secure, loving family there to care and nurture them.

You have done well to put up the boundary in regards to triangulating with DD and your mother. It is also great that you and DH are on the same page and DD’s attempts to divide you won’t succeed.

It seems like you are the ‘target of blame’ for your DD. Remember that this is a way for the BPD person to transfer the blame and responsibility to someone else because their self is so fragile they can’t take it on themselves.

The thing to focus on now in my opinion is your self esteem. I found the mantra ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’ very helpful for me. I repeated it over and over again and still use it when I am feeling confused in the chaos of my life.

The other thing that I found here to be helpful is to not JADE ie not to justify, argue, discuss, explain. When we are dealing with things based on emotions it can increase the emotions if you try to deal with it by reason.

One thing I have found helpful in relation to all the lies spread about me etc is to respond in a somewhat ‘mysterious’ manner. This sounds weird but it works for me. Instead of defending or explaining etc, I try to respond in a way that leaves a question mark in the mind of the other person.

For example if someone said to me that DD needed a bit more support I might say something like ‘Yes there are always so many perspectives aren’t there?’ I’d then change the subject ‘Talking about perspectives I noticed the other day  . . .

In the past few days my DD has been going through withdrawal and wanting me to sit with her because she is having panic attacks if alone. When she has any health issue she tends to exaggerate her symptoms, says she can’t breathe, works herself up – and rejects any suggestion of what might help.

I was really pleased that I was able to calmly sit there for quite long periods, calmly offered a few things etc. I put aside trying to work out what was real and what was exaggerated.

I was there – but I wasn’t drawn into the emotions or a solution – just sat with her through it all. Progress for me!

Thanks for posting. Every time someone has the courage to post their story it helps all of us know we are not alone and the chaos of our lives is what BPD actually looks like.

[js friend]

Hi TTUD,

It seems that you are firm in your boundaries towards your udd and all those who your dd uses to triangulate. That is good news on your path to healing. My udd would often try to triangulate  and manipulate me with just about anyone also from a very early age......no one was off limits....teachers, family members, b/f's famillies, friends she had just met....on and on. Most of them would just take udds word for it that home life was terrible and that I was abusive towards her, which was the total opposite and there were plenty of fallings out between myself and others because of this. I actually cant remember a time when anyone asked me if any of this allegations were true....Even confronting my udd wouldnt lead to any resolution as udd would often just shut down. It was a lot. Even with the best parenting out there our pwbpd will often smear us to others to maintain a level of power and control over us. After years of caring for my gc on a  regular basis my udd has now withdrawn any access to them because I was supposedly abusive towards her in childhood and suffered with terrible mood swings which were taken out on her!!! That is the story she likes to tell to explain our familly dynamics. The truth is that Iam being punished because I spoke up when I found out that she was abusing my gc.

So please dont take what your dd says about you personally. You know what you did and did not do and that is what matters the most.