Cut off

[Casunshyne]

Hello all... I am glad I found this site.  I am trying to understand BPD which my 33 year old daughter was diagnosed with about 10 years ago.

Prior to diagnosis we were told she suffered from depression, anxiety and adhd.  She also has migraines.

My daughter has had some childhood trauma but I have always been there for her. However, in her mind I have never been there for her.

I cannot understand BPD and how I am supposed to communicate appropriately.

I am currently totally cut off from her and my granddaughters. She has blocked me from Facebook, Instagram and is no longer on my contacts on my cell phone. Not sure how she can be deleted from my contacts but she is gone.

I have been cut off from my 5  & 7 year old granddaughters. They used to video chat me daily and now they are blocked from talking to me.

It has been 7 weeks now with this all coming to a head on Christmas Day.

I am so lost and truly have no clue how to fix this or if it can even be fixed.

I have a few books here at home which I am trying to learn about BPD and from what I can tell it seems like a very difficult condition with many different parts to it.  When trying to read about how to learn what this condition is all about....it is so overwhelming and I feel like I have to do all the right things with no mistakes to make her feel loved by me.  Nothing I do is right and I am treated horribly.

I have depression, anxiety and adhd myself and have had it my entire life. I have many things on my plate as we all do.  This complete cut off is the worst.

I have no way to make contact but perhaps a letter which may just be torn up anyway.

She got angry at a simple text I sent on Christmas day and I have been cutoff since. It's like I no longer have a daughter.

I have no clue what to do and at this point I have not done anything She has cut me off from basically all communication with her and even if she did contact me I wouldn't know what to say.  Simple conversation sets her off.  I live on eggshells when I am around her or talk to her .

I get a call when I am needed physically or monetarily. This has gone in for years but not until Christmas was I totally cut off.

I have no clue how to deal with this. I truly feel she has disowned me and I may never see her or my granddaughters again. She knows that not speaking to my granddaughters is the ultimate hurt she can heap on me.

This is a crappy feeling and I am hoping I can get some advice from people who like me have a loved one... specifically an adult child who seems to hate her own mother for reasons I cannot understand.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Casunshyne

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

hi!  my heart hurts for you...having been the recipient of the blocking game (off and on, at least 8 years now) (my person is not even related to me...it is my granddaughter's mother, who, (of course!) has BPD....I can FEEL the stop in my heart when she does this (the longest "round" was 10 days of ZERO contact (her mother & I are always in some sort of cahoots, as to who will "share" the kids with the other (she never seems to cut off BOTH of us at the same time) I wish I had ANY kind of solution, other than, (this is just me...) keep really busy (?); I have started seeing a therapist who specializes in parents of children/adults with BPD & that is helping....many prayers to you; feel free to reach out if you like!

[CC43]

Hi there,

If you read these boards, I think you will quickly see that your daughter's behavior is very typical for BPD.  The holidays are typically fraught.  Withholding the grandkids to hurt you is also typical--a misguided "punishment" for your supposed transgression.

I tend to think that your beloved daughter's reaction has little to do with you.  I bet she's stressed out about something going on in her life, but she's taking it out on you.  It may be as simple as the stress of the holidays, and feeling jealous of other people's happiness.  Since she feels so angry and aggrieved, she can't bear to see others be happy--it's not fair!  She doesn't realize that she's responsible for her own happiness; she thinks that you and her family are supposed to make her happy, but you are a miserable failure at that.  So she turns around and unleashes her frustration onto you, punishing you in the meanest way she knows how.  She's miserable, and she's determined to make you miserable, too.  Does she blame you for all her problems, even if you had nothing to do with them?  Is she constantly demanding apologies for things you didn't do?  That's typical BPD behavior--always being the victim, and blaming everyone else for her problems.  You see, the pain and frustration of dealing with her life is too much for her to bear, and to cope, it's easiest for her to blame others.  As she clings to victimhood, she has no agency over her life.  Moreover, since others bend over backwards to help her and try to keep her happy, out of love, fear, obligation or guilt, then she's rewarded for being the victim.  With rich rewards, she has no incentive to get therapy and change.  Though she's deeply unhappy, her behavior is actually working for her.  Does this ring true to you?

You mentioned that she mainly seems to contact you when she needs you physically or monetarily.  Indeed, that's what the loved one with BPD in my life would do, when she wasn't getting treatment.  She'd call and demand money for rent/tuition/groceries/insurance/car/travel, etc., but refused to work herself.  And she'd need help moving in and out of various housing situations, or getting her car fixed (the "physical" help).  For a long time the relationship seemed transactional, and if her demands weren't met, then there would be Armageddon, such as suicide threats and attempts.  It seemed like the best thing to do was to do whatever she asked, because if we didn't, then she'd be out on the street or dead.  Sound familiar?

Hard as it may be, your daughter doesn't want to communicate with you right now.  She's having an adult tantrum.  Do you know what works best for an adult tantrum?  An adult time out.  She needs time and space to get her emotions under control.  Since she's dependent on you, I bet she'll reach out again when she needs something.  In the meantime, I'd say, take care of yourself, do fun things, and try (though it's hard) to wait patiently.

Oh, and if her contact has disappeared, then I'm assuming you sync your contacts with Facebook.  If you enter contacts directly on your phone, then she can't delete them.

[js friend]

Hi casunshyne,

Iam in the same boat as you.

I have been estranged from my udd and gc for 4years now. I also thought about writing a letter to my udd shortly after the estrangement began but like you, I had the feeling that it would further "trigger" her and she would rip it up so I decided  not to. I send my gc birthday cards every year to remind them that I love them and I havent forgotten them but cant be sure if they actually get them so I take a picture of the card that I keep on my phone if they ever say that they forgot about them. I also write them letters now and again that I never send. It helps me to get out my emotions and hopefully I can personally give them to them one day.

A few years ago I went to udds home unannounced and I could feel the rage as soon as udd opened the door...still I think it went better than I thought it would and at least she came to the door which was something I guess itwas more than I expected. Turns out udd was expecting again (maybe that why she opened the door) anyway udd was not too impressed by my visit and sent me back on my way very quickly. I havent tried to contact my udd since and it has taken a while but I think that I have now accepted that I will never hear from my udd again which Iam honestly ok with.

My real hope now is that I will hear from my gc once they reach the age where udd does not have this power over them and that is what truly keeps me going. I have other gc too but nothing will replace the gc Iam no longer allowed to see or contact just because udd says so. I really want them to know that they havent been forgotten....

At first it was hard for me to understand that udd would do this and not to take into consideration how my gc must feel, but when i sat and really thought about it we were walking along this path for many years,  throughout udd life she has always prioritised her own feelings over the feelings and emotions of others others even that of her own children.

So the advice I would give you is to never give up hope that you will be reunited with your gc one day but at the same time you have be realistic in that you cannot change this situation as much as it hurts. I know that for me the hurt is always  there, but I have found coping skills of how to deal with it. Keeping busy, surround yourself with positivity and taking one day at a time really helps.

[Casunshyne]

Hello all who replied to my post. In a way it good to hear that others are going through or have gone through what I am going through with my daughter and granddaughters.

It also makes me sad that we are all in the same boat and that we have no control over the situation.

I have decided like one of you that replied ro my post, that I will write letters and not send them.  I think it will help me and once the girls get older I can give them the letters so they know I never stopped loving or thinking about them.

I think even at 5 & 7 they know that Grandma would do anything for them and I have always been there since they were born up until a few years ago.

Does anyone have a BPD book that helps describe this illness and how we as family can try to get the relationship back?  I must have 4-5 books here and it explains the illness and the complexity of it and just reading that is upsetting.

It basically feels like if the BPD person in our life does not get the help they so desperately need they are destined to be miserable the rest of their lives.  Just thinking about that makes me so sad.  I am a fixer and I cannot fix this.

I also believe my sister has BPD and looking back... She is now 58, I believe she has had undiagnosed BPD her entire life from a traumatic illness she had that kept her in the hospital for a month when she was 8.  She has been angry since then, I believe, but I did not notice the BPD similarities until this last issue with my daughter.  I thought...this is exactly how my sister is.  She will not go to therapy and starts and stops her meds constantly.  The anger she has when she totally loses it is over the top explosive, mean, nasty and always plays the victim.  I am estranged from my sister now and that relationship I have decided to let go.  She causes so much stress when I visit and everything is my fault.  Anything she can say to dig the knife in deeper she will say in the most hurtful way.

My almost 81 year old mother who has significant medical issues is why I put up with my sister but I think my mother has finally figured out that there are issues between us.  I had asked my sister to play nice since she blindsided me with her anger back in 2021 because of my mother and she can't even do that.   She is the main person in charge of my mom, as she asked to be the person in charge, but she does not advocate and considers my mom a burden.  My sister made a promise to my Dad on his deathbed to take care of my mom and now she calls that conversation a burden.  How awful is that.

Sadly, I live two states away and I visit as much as I can knowing that she will try to start something. Luckily my brother and sister in law have now taken on some of my mom's care and they are advocates and I am grateful for that.

I never put two and two together until this last tiff on Christmas Day and it was then I remembered my daughter mentioning BPD but had forgotten all about it.  I started Googling it and realized that is truly what she has.  I have gotten all these books to see if any one of them can explain to me how to deal with this especially at this stage of no contact which she has never done before, i.e. Blocking me Facebook, Instagram and blocking my granddaughters from video chatting me.

I am trying to come to grips that this may be forever and pray daily for her heart to soften and realize she needs help.

Thank you all for the replies to my original post.

I am so new on this site I have no idea how to reply to you individually so I decided to go this route.

Again, many thanks for taking the time to respond to my post.

[BPDstinks]

hi! I have read "Walking On Egg Shells", "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" (ironically, my pwBPD SUGGESTED these to ME) there is one that I have not found..."Understanding the Borderline Child" or something like that...again, I just cannot express my sympathy for your situation....these kids, adult and young, just rip my heart out all the time...it is such an emotional path...stay strong and reach out, if you like