How to deal with friends and family not liking BPD partner

[Petra1115]

My BPD partner has lashed out at several of my friends and family. My friends and family have been very supportive of me despite not liking my partner. I am grateful that they can separate me from his poor behavior. His behavior with them puts me in a compromised situation that feels worse than when it’s him just treating me badly. I feel sad for my friends; I don’t justify his behavior; but I am sure they wonder why I stay despite his actions. He’s broken up with me in front of my mother, saying that it’s her fault that I am the way I am. He told another friend of mine that her husband is retarded; he has raged at a couple of others, and he has flirted with a couple of others (and thinks that ppl want threesomes with him—which seems to be a projection and desire of his rather than what my friends actually feel towards him). Those he has interacted with have put down boundaries— after which he thinks that I shouldn’t interact with them anymore. He’s been disinvited to a couple of weddings. All of this makes me feel torn. He feels abandoned by my friends and then he feels I shouldn’t interact with them anymore after these incidents. I have still managed to keep some of those relationships intact but it is hard bc my friends no longer want to be around him (which I totally understand). I don’t make excuses for him but also put up with a lot that others wouldn’t. Has anyone been in this situation? If so, how did you handle it? My friends and family are loving and forgiving people. I think it is clear to others that he simply isn’t well. If he sought help I think they would be open to his presence. I know that I accept things that I shouldn’t… and my way of dealing with it up to now is to live and let live… Curious about how others have managed this kind of situation.

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[Petra1115]

My BPD partner has lashed out at several of my friends and family. My friends and family have been very supportive of me despite not liking my partner. I am grateful that they can separate me from his poor behavior. His behavior with them puts me in a compromised situation that feels worse than when it’s him just treating me badly. I feel sad for my friends; I don’t justify his behavior; but I am sure they wonder why I stay despite his actions. He’s broken up with me in front of my mother, saying that it’s her fault that I am the way I am. He told another friend of mine that her husband is retarded; he has raged at a couple of others, and he has flirted with a couple of others (and thinks that ppl want threesomes with him—which seems to be a projection and desire of his rather than what my friends actually feel towards him). Those he has interacted with have put down boundaries— after which he thinks that I shouldn’t interact with them anymore. He’s been disinvited to a couple of weddings. All of this makes me feel torn. He feels abandoned by my friends and then he feels I shouldn’t interact with them anymore after these incidents. I have still managed to keep some of those relationships intact but it is hard bc my friends no longer want to be around him (which I totally understand). I don’t make excuses for him but also put up with a lot that others wouldn’t. Has anyone been in this situation? If so, how did you handle it? My friends and family are loving and forgiving people. I think it is clear to others that he simply isn’t well. If he sought help I think they would be open to his presence. I know that I accept things that I shouldn’t… and my way of dealing with it up to now is to live and let live… Curious about how others have managed this kind of situation. I also realize that my putting up with things I shouldn’t doesn’t necessarily reflect well on my wellness either.

[EyesUp]

Hello Petra,

The "don't be invalidating" mantra you'll find here and in BPD literature doesn't just apply to those with BPD... 

All too often, those of us who have relationships with pwBPD invalidate our own feelings, and the feelings of others who are close to us, in order to protect the pwBPD.

It's easy to focus on everyone else, and this dynamic often gets described at some point as codependency, caretaking, traumabonding, etc.

Eventually, the discussion turns inward:  How do YOU feel?  What do YOU want? 

It's not easy, but if you think of this as a marathon (or a chess match), then you'll realize you need to be thinking ahead.  Are you prepared to compromise your family for your partner?  Most of us would say: no.  Or at least, not completely. 

For a long time, when my family expressed concerns, I enforced a boundary and politely explained that the dynamic with my uBPDxw was challenging but that I was committed to her - and would also always be there for my family.  My family mostly accepted this and for a time I was able to strike a balance by engaging family 1:1 without my uBPDxw - i.e., in calls, email, social media, and occasional visits - but not large family gatherings.

What I didn't realize was that my uBPDxw was both directly and indirectly limiting my participation in family life...   

Fast forward, after my marriage ended, I realized that our kids didn't really have a chance to get to know their aunts, uncles, cousins - on my side of the family.

Of course every situation is different.  However, if I had fully understood what was happening much earlier, I may have made different choices.  We all generally do the best we can in the moment.  In my case, my commitment to the idea of "divorce as last last last resort" may have caused extra damage.

My suggestion is:

Keep your family and friends close, in whatever way you can. No matter what happens with your BPD relationship, you will benefit from having other healthy relationships.

All too often, those of us who have a BPD relationship become isolated to varying degrees. Take care to avoid letting that happen.

[Petra1115]

Thanks for the reminder EyesUp. I find myself just taking things day by day rather than thinking of this as a marathon... I think because thinking of this as a marathon can feel utterly overwhelming. Day by day is more digestible. But maybe I am doing myself a disservice by not focusing on the long term implications this might have. I am doing my best to keep family and friends close. I always hope that one day I won't have to keep things in various compartments... that there could be fluidity and that my partner and I can be anywhere in any situation without things being a threat to his security. What do I want? I want to feel unity and integration between my friends, family, and partner.

[kells76]

Hi Petra1115 and another from me, too.

Finding balance (not overselling how great the relationship is, not venting to everyone all the time) without invalidating ourselves ("it's not that bad!"), like EyesUp mentioned, is key... and maybe easier said than done at first!

I'm wondering if untangling who in your life you tell what to, could be helpful.

What I mean by that is that sometimes even if we're trying to be skillful and balanced, the people in our lives are real human beings who care about us. Family dynamics often have a loyalty/"blood is thicker than water" component, so when we're telling our family about our romantic relationships, even skillfully, family can sometimes take a "nobody does that to my sister/brother/son/daughter" stance.

What would it be like if you had a counselor or therapist to kind of unload to -- the full range, positive and negative? You might already have that, sorry if I missed a mention.

And then you could find a way to balance honesty with not over-sharing with family/friends who may not be able to also be skillful. In a way, it's understandable -- they love you and want to be "on your side", and of course it's difficult to watch a loved one struggle in the middle of a journey. Yet it's your journey and them thinking "you should be at point Z", while good information to consider, doesn't change that you're at point B right now.

It could pivot conversations away from the unhealthy triangulation of you defending your partner to your support system:

"Mom, thanks for asking how we're doing -- we do have challenges, and I want you to know that I'm talking to a therapist about that right now, so I have great support. It would mean a lot to me if when we're together, we focus on you and me; I'd really like that if you're up for it -- that would feel supportive to me"

This takes you out of the "rescuer/defender" position on the Karpman drama triangle where you feel like you have to "make excuses" about him to your family, and it also takes your friends/family out of the "persecutor" position where they feel like in order to care about you, they have to show you how bad he is for you: "I'm right about his toxicity, why can't you see it".

It may be true that he has unhealthy behaviors, it may be true that you are working with those and aren't open to a "stay or leave" conversation -- the healthier way to structure those discussions could be pulling it out of the unhealthy triangle and putting topics in their own lanes.

Balance could look like keeping those close family and friend relationships which are so critical to your basic well-being, but having deeper discussions with a therapist/counselor.

It's one idea to brainstorm -- there could be a lot of ways find a balanced, validating way to negotiate your romantic relationship and your supportive relationships, so this is not the only path forward.

[EyesUp]

@Petra,

Real talk:  

Based on my experience, and the experience of many others in these relationships, you *can* have what you want - just not predictably, or reliably, all the time.

It takes a lot of self work, skills development, and a bit of luck to have it *some* of the time.

Also, for some of us, unity and integration is simply not on the menu.  It really depends on your where your partner is at.  Unfortunately, hope and good intentions only get so far.

Have you had good group/family experiences with your partner in the past?  Do you think it's possible to recreate an environment in which he is at ease and able to enjoy a group dynamic?

Where is his family in this mix?

[Petra1115]

Hi Kells! I don't actually share much with friends of family. My BPD partner has met my friends and family, and has blown up or for different reasons... so they learned about him through his actions toward them. I have been pretty guarded about what I share because I don't want ppl to form opinions about him without meeting him first. I have shared with a therapist before and it is a good reminder to continue doing so! This forum feels very helpful since it is anonymous and bc so many ppl here share similar experiences. It actually feels more valuable than therapy, in some ways.

EyesUp, I have had some good experience with him in groups and with my family before, and we do have a friend that is neutral and nothing has happened thankfully... so it is nice to have at least one shared friend who sees us as a couple and who we hang out with. I like what you said about having what we want some of the time. I do feel like I have developed some skills, most related to what Kells mentioned around not sharing much to people who know him or have met him. I keep a lot more to myself but do need support sometimes, too.