My story... again

[Goodpal]

Hello all, I'm back again. I've posted before but as time goes on I gain more clarity. So here's my story...

I was married to a personality disordered person for over 2 decades. After years of speculation it comes out that she is cheating which leads to a divorce. Thankfully, the children were all grown.

My ego is pretty crushed and I feel devastated as a man. Shortly thereafter before the divorce even goes through, I meet another personality disordered person whom I knew of from childhood. We become inseparable.

At this point I am having the time of my life. It's like I'm in my 20s again. We have a blast together. However, I begin to notice things that concern me... red flags. Heavy drinking/drugging, mood swings, impulsivity, the whole 9 yards. I should point out that I am well educated on personality disorders. My mind is then divided into 2 distinct parts - logical part and emotional part. I allow the emotional part to lead and enjoy the ride until I begin to realize I need to get off. I have become the favorite person and the role is beyond demanding especially after not fully processing everything I went through. I end the relationship.

This does not go well and she continues to reach out endlessly. It was like an addiction and eventually I cave and dive back in. Of course it is fun and feels good to be back BUT these core issues are still very present.

So this is basically the cycle and the most recent break-up was last evening, initiated by her but more of a bluff apparently. Any how, I get to this place where I just can't go forward anymore. It just seems like too big a responsibility for me - addiction, financial issues, moodiness, mysterious illnesses, overall chaos...

It's a relief at first but then comes the guilt, the shame, the attraction, the questioning whether or not I could have handled the issues, etc. The hardest part for me is that because I've always kind of been only 'half-way in" emotionally I've never experienced the splitting. It's like someone w/ BPD instinctively knows you're not fully available and won't smother them. However, something instinctively in me believes had we of gotten married that other side would come out.

I have brought up the addiction issues to her in the past and they were sort of dealt w/ in the moment but then returned in time. I have pushed for her to attend dr. visits and the like w/ some level of success. The truth is, I'm just exhausted and at my age really don't want to take on more than I can handle. When someone is not mentally healthy there is a dark cloud that hangs over your relationship w/ them, at least that is how I feel.

Anyhow, I don't know what to expect the next few days, weeks... I feel pretty good right now but I know that will change. I question eventually having a long honest talk with her if we do communicate again. However, it is my understanding that the types of changes that would need to occur would have to come from the inside of the person and not because of another person staying or leaving. If this is truly BPD, which I think it is, I would imagine she would have to come to that conclusion herself and seek help. There's a small part of me that wants to be the fixer but I know that doesn't work. It didn't work in my marriage.

So I'm trying to navigate this time carefully. I'm smarter and more healed than I was the year before and the years before that. I almost feel guilty posting this because, unlike some of you, I am not married to nor share children with this woman. I've been very careful to kind of keep her at an arm's length.

As many of you know, when you get into these types of relationships the BPD person becomes your whole universe practically. So now I'm kind of on my own. All of my free time has always been spent with her.

Another note, I've always had an incredibly hard time being honest about the issues that truly bother me in relationships. It's like my mouth is sealed out of concern that I'll hurt the other person. It took a lot to bring up my concerns about her addictions but I could never remain consistent with this. It eventually would get brushed aside. She would even make jokes like "remember when you used to call me an alcoholic?" In my head I'm thinking well yeah 2 to 3 bottles of wine per day kind of fits that description. I guess this all part of the growing process. Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. Thank you.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi, from reading your story, this one line stands out to me.. 'she would have to come to that conclusion herself and seek help'.  How confident are you this will ever actually happen, as one of the main problems dealing with BPD is getting the sufferer to admit there even is a problem?

At the time I was with my BPD partner, I had never heard of BPD and I don't think she had either, but looking back I'm totally sure she would never have accepted anything was wrong with her, given her total 'I'm always the victim' thinking.

It seems like the cycle is starting again and you're currently still in - or nearing the end of - the idealisation phase. You've broken up with her.. then been drawn back in again so now she knows that you will come back and won't necessarily stick to the break up.

It all depends on whether you're prepared to go through it all again and if you  think that this time you can cope with the dysfunctionality any better. We've all had the 'I can change her' ideology, myself included but the reality is that we can't unless they're willing to acknowledge their problem and seek help.

Many years after my first BPD relationship I met someone who seemed great the first few months but then literally changed in one day to showing classic BPD behaviour. As the red flags mounted up I became more and more wary and the first time she broke up with me over something trivial, I made no attempt to reconnect and never saw her again. I didn't let the cycle start up again.

Best wishes whatever you decide, hopefully you can convince her she needs help without triggering her.

S

[Goodpal]

Thank you for your reply. Things are getting a little messy over here. She came over last night and sort of talked me back into the relationship. I have terrible boundaries and have not been able to stand my ground, especially in person.

I also have a personality disorder, OCPD. This makes relationships extremely difficult for me because I need to have control. You can imagine how difficult it is for someone like me who needs a sense of control to be in a relationship with someone who is chaotic. It's virtually impossible but here I am. I'm going to have to step up and break it off this week over the phone when she goes back home.

[Under The Bridge]

It would certainly make things harder if you feel the need to be in control all the time as she'll see this as 'you're trying to control my whole life'. BPD's usually see things in black or white, totally good or totally bad and can't see anything inbetween.  I also found that they're unable to accept the fact that you may have problems they need to work with; they're only capable of thinking of themselves.

Remaining friends would be an option - friendship without the complications of a relationship but it's probably not what you want. Anyone falling under the spell of a BPD partner wants the full relationship, not friends. It might be difficult for her too as, even if you're just friends, she can display the same attitude.