Suing for slander and negligence

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey... .can you help us understand how a legal pleading is related to your opinion on your wife's mental health prognosis?

Have you ever retained an attorney about this protection order? - This happened in October I joined the board in November. Yes I did I saw 2 attorneys and based on what they said I had no winnable case. Then I hired and retained an attorney to attempt to vacate the motion. The motion was denied and was told I won't win a appeal.

Did you have an attorney with you in court when you entered your plea? No I didn't. That was stupid but I also didn't think it was worth paying them what they asked to not fight for my innocence.  -That is my fault but why would I pay someone 1,000 to not jump on a table and say shes wrong. The way it works in IL the burden of proof is so small and I did contact her twice so nothing in that sense I am guilty.

Listen... .we are anonymous support group.  In my opinion, it's ok to be open here about your thought process and how decisions were made.  The more info we have... .the better advice you are likely to get. -What I am trying to be. At first was really embarssing and hard to be open but now I realize what happened, took care of my adhd and no longer depressed constantly.

Or... .if there are reasons you wouldn't want to answer those questions... .I'd be interested in understanding those reasons.

Back up a sec to big picture stuff:  Being in a relationship with a BPDish person is like having your emotions regularly scrambled.  Sometimes it's euphoric... .sometimes it sucks. - She wasn't the big issue to be honest. -Circumstances of the relationship made "both our dark sides appear". Her ability to have no sense of boundaries really screwed me over with triangular communication. People got involved who shouldn't of and that made things a zillion times worse.

Another advantage to retaining an attorney to advise you is that they should be "above the emotions".  You need that... .  We all do. - The biggest issue is a judge I had to deal with. When she won't listen and is to biased not even Johnny Cochran can get you out of it.

FF

[statsattack]

Hey... .can you help us understand how a legal pleading is related to your opinion on your wife's mental health prognosis?

Have you ever retained an attorney about this protection order? - This happened in October I joined the board in November. Yes I did I saw 2 attorneys and based on what they said I had no winnable case. Then I hired and retained an attorney to attempt to vacate the motion. The motion was denied and was told I won't win a appeal.

Did you have an attorney with you in court when you entered your plea? No I didn't. That was stupid but I also didn't think it was worth paying them what they asked to not fight for my innocence.  -That is my fault but why would I pay someone 1,000 to not jump on a table and say shes wrong. The way it works in IL the burden of proof is so small and I did contact her twice so nothing in that sense I am guilty.

Listen... .we are anonymous support group.  In my opinion, it's ok to be open here about your thought process and how decisions were made.  The more info we have... .the better advice you are likely to get. -What I am trying to be. At first was really embarssing and hard to be open but now I realize what happened, took care of my adhd and no longer depressed constantly.

Or... .if there are reasons you wouldn't want to answer those questions... .I'd be interested in understanding those reasons.

Back up a sec to big picture stuff:  Being in a relationship with a BPDish person is like having your emotions regularly scrambled.  Sometimes it's euphoric... .sometimes it sucks. - She wasn't the big issue to be honest. -Circumstances of the relationship made "both our dark sides appear". Her ability to have no sense of boundaries really screwed me over with triangular communication. People got involved who shouldn't of and that made things a zillion times worse.

Another advantage to retaining an attorney to advise you is that they should be "above the emotions".  You need that... .  We all do. - The biggest issue is a judge I had to deal with. When she won't listen and is to biased not even Johnny Cochran can get you out of it.

FF

[Panda39]

I don't want her to get court ordered therapy because that doesn't work. Therapy honestly doesn't work for people with BPD because there is 24 hours in a day and 7 days a week and they are only being held accountable for maybe 1-2 hours a week if that by a therapist.

I want her to have to give money to Mcclean Gunderson if she doesn't want to get help than so be it, but admit your mistake help society and provide assitance for someone who wants the help but can't afford it.

Is this what is at the heart of it? "admit your mistake" What if she isn't capable of that?  Fear of abandonment and all the dysfunctional things someone with BPD does because of that fear causes a lot of shame.  Shame is a large part of BPD and hiding their poor behavior and shame or blaming poor behavior and shame on others is what they do to emotionally survive... .it's part of the dysfunction, part of having BPD.  Admitting her mistake may not be possible for her to do.

My SO's uBPDxw sent their D20 to a private liberal arts college out East with the promise that a "Family Trust" would cover the majority of her tuition.  My SO tried talking to their daughter about the non-existent family trust, but she was 18, had a huge desire to go to this College, asked her mom for proof that was provided to her and she believed (wanted to believe), and wanted to believe that her mom had come through for her. D20 came home for Christmas break and was asked not to return back to school because Tuition for her first semester had not been paid for.  After her scholarships and student loans D20... .yes she... .she was 18, she was the student, she was responsible for payment was now in debt to the tune of $15,000 because her mother failed to pay the school.  Eventually after D20 refused to see her mother for sometime following this incident mom apologized and in the same breath started telling D20 that she would send her to another school.  Was it a genuine apology? Was it lip service to get her daughter back? Did it mean anything when the follow up was the same dysfunctional behavior?  Unlikely we will ever know.  I do know that it didn't feel sincere to her daughter.  She has minimal contact with her mother these days.

BPD is a dysfunctional mental illness, admitting a mistake is what someone healthy does, not so much with someone with BPD.
I wish for my SO's daughters' sake, your sake, and everyone on this website that you would all get an apology you certainly all deserve one.

I'm not trying to be "Negative Nellie" here but you might be setting your expectations too high, she may simply not be able to do what you want her to do... .court or no court.

Why not put your energy into creating a scholarship for McLean?  IMHO that would be a healthier direction to put your energy and you could fulfill the desire to help someone else that wants it.

Panda39

[statsattack]

Thats what the money is going towards. Whether it is for her or someone else it is going towards McClean. I wish I could show you the letter I wrote her and her family ( way before I figured out she had BPD). How her parents could believe her is something I will never understand.

[Panda39]

I wish I could show you the letter I wrote her and her family ( way before I figured out she had BPD). How her parents could believe her is something I will never understand.

They are her parents.  They may not see the dysfunction because they live in it, they could be in denial about their daughter's issues, they may just be "circling the wagons" because blood is thicker than water. 

My advice is to let all of these people, their drama, and their dysfunction go (I know easier said than done when you feel wronged) it sounds like none of them will see your point of view, let alone believe it. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do.  You can only control what you do.  What do you get out of banging your head against this particular wall?  Why not let go and move on with your life?  Create new and healthier relationships.

Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) all it does is create circular arguments and add to the drama.  Below are links to a Workshop on JADE and another on Stopping Circular Arguments that might be helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[formflier]

Is the ex and ex wife? Or ex girlfriend?

Perhaps I missed it earlier... .trying to make sure I understand

Please also confirm if there are any children involved?  Any joint financial assets.  Such as a house you own together.  Any other legal ties... .other than the obvious subject of this thread.

I could see my advice changing based on some of these answers.  Want to make sure I have it right.

FF

[statsattack]

Is the ex and ex wife? Or ex girlfriend?

Perhaps I missed it earlier... .trying to make sure I understand

Please also confirm if there are any children involved?  Any joint financial assets.  Such as a house you own together.  Any other legal ties... .other than the obvious subject of this thread.

I could see my advice changing based on some of these answers.  Want to make sure I have it right.

FF

Just a ex girl friend

[statsattack]

They are her parents.  They may not see the dysfunction because they live in it, they could be in denial about their daughter's issues, they may just be "circling the wagons" because blood is thicker than water. 

My advice is to let all of these people, their drama, and their dysfunction go (I know easier said than done when you feel wronged) it sounds like none of them will see your point of view, let alone believe it. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do.  You can only control what you do.  What do you get out of banging your head against this particular wall?  Why not let go and move on with your life?  Create new and healthier relationships.

Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) all it does is create circular arguments and add to the drama.  Below are links to a Workshop on JADE and another on Stopping Circular Arguments that might be helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

Take Care,
Panda39

There are a few things I can't let go of. The first thing is something I am working on with my therapist and that is things being taken away from that make me happy. Because she ahs BPD I understand why I was pushed away but don't get what I do to constantly deserve losing things and people who make me happy.

The second is Brian Banks and Duke Lacrosse.

[Panda39]

There are a few things I can't let go of. The first thing is something I am working on with my therapist and that is things being taken away from that make me happy. Because she ahs BPD I understand why I was pushed away but don't get what I do to constantly deserve losing things and people who make me happy.

The second is Brian Banks and Duke Lacrosse.

The therapy is a good thing and a great place to work on the topics you mention. I think it is a healthy thing to take a look at ourselves and our role in our relationships with other people.  If we can improve ourselves our relationships can improve too.

The second... .Were you falsely accused of rape and found guilty? 

Panda39

[formflier]

Just a ex girl friend

OK... .this does simplify things some.

Listen.  My advice is that you interview a couple of attorneys.  Make sure and take the evidence... .take the restraining order... take anything you believe relevant.  Get a couple opinions... .perhaps even three if there is a legal pathway (even a hard one) to change the status of the RO.

The third opinion would only be if you get one guy that says "yes there is a path and another that says no path".  If two guys tell you that it can't be done... .then it likely can't be done.

I DO know that old restraining orders get dug up to embarrass people... .especially political types.  So... .if there is a way to make the RO disappear from your record... .always good to have a clean (er) record.

I do NOT know the impact of a regular guy having an RO on your record.  Let's say you get stopped by police 5 years from now... .I simply don't know if it would show up or not.

I would ask the attorneys about impact of this staying on your record.

OK... .enough with legal stuff.

Really good you have a T.  Put most of your effort there. 

 

FF

[statsattack]

OK... .this does simplify things some.

Listen.  My advice is that you interview a couple of attorneys.  Make sure and take the evidence... .take the restraining order... take anything you believe relevant.  Get a couple opinions... .perhaps even three if there is a legal pathway (even a hard one) to change the status of the RO.

The third opinion would only be if you get one guy that says "yes there is a path and another that says no path".  If two guys tell you that it can't be done... .then it likely can't be done.

I DO know that old restraining orders get dug up to embarrass people... .especially political types.  So... .if there is a way to make the RO disappear from your record... .always good to have a clean (er) record.

I do NOT know the impact of a regular guy having an RO on your record.  Let's say you get stopped by police 5 years from now... .I simply don't know if it would show up or not.

I would ask the attorneys about impact of this staying on your record.

OK... .enough with legal stuff.

Really good you have a T.  Put most of your effort there. 

 

FF

It is a stalking no contact stalking order and is a civil offense not a criminal offense. It is not on my record and for the most part isn't a inconvenience on me.
Because of me learning about BPD and I can question her teeth grinding and reduction in boob size. Now that I am over being depressed and my adhd is getting taken care of easier to think at full capability.

What happened to me may be "minor" but if I don't have the courage to do something than who will it affect next.

[formflier]

What happened to me may be "minor" but if I don't have the courage to do something than who will it affect next.

I want to clarify... .  I understand it likely didn't feel minor at the time... .perhaps even now.

I would encourage you to discuss you thinking in the quote above.

I am much more interested that you protect your legal interests... .even a civil order.  If you focus on that, I believe that it will have the affect of helping others.

Boundaries go both ways... your primary job is not to save others here.  It is to protect your interests... .

Just sayin... .

FF

[Panda39]

Boundaries go both ways... your primary job is not to save others here.  It is to protect your interests... .

Just sayin... .

FF

I agree with formflier your job isn't to rescue others that might come in contact with your ex.  Your job is to take care of you.  

So you have 2 opinions that have been presented here... .see an attorney to protect your interests (like fight the decision against you) or let go.  

What I'm not hearing anyone advocate is going after your ex in court to show the world her true colors or to get an apology out of her.  I think we are all encouraging you to think about yourself, your healing, your interests... .focus on taking care of you.

I like your idea of creating a scholarship a McLean it seems a constructive way to help someone that needs it and wants it... .ultimately that could lead to someone else avoiding your experience which is your goal.

Panda39

[statsattack]

Tried fighting decision in court lost so why I'm going after/ want to

[formflier]

Tried fighting decision in court lost so why I'm going after/ want to

Think of this as getting a couple opinions... .after the fact.  Perhaps there is nothing that can be done.  I highly doubt it... .but perhaps.

New evidence, especially medical evidence for you showing your were not at your best, perhaps a grumpy judge... .perhaps some suspect legal advice... etc etc.

Remember... I'm not a lawyer... .but that would be the list of items that I would put in front of a lawyer... .with all your papers and evidence and see if something can be done.

Most important question for each of your interviews is their opinion of leaving it alone... .  What happens when  background check pulls it up?  What happens when... .xyz?

That is your benchmark.

Compare that to possibilities that they offer.

FF

[statsattack]

I'm a white male so there fore it's not possible for me to be depressed according to the court.

You can't prove a mental illness in court but you can show evidence of that illness. I'm at full health n can find the evidence to prove it.

Feels like so many people in the world want me to die based on this whole situation