Need Therapist to deal with BPD traits in grown son's family

[ConcernedGma25]

I am trying to find a therapist preferably in NYC/Long Island area to deal with family issues. I suspect that my youngest son's ("Frank"-age 45) wife ("Daisy"-age 49) has PBD traits and their oldest daughter ("Rose"-age 18) also. Rose is our first granddaughter and very special. Daisy and I got along well for 20 years, with much listening and providing a sounding board for her. That shifted a year ago, and I (and the rest of the family) are the enemies now and she hates all of us for her perception of things we have done wrong. My granddaughter Rose has attempted suicide several times and spent her high school years in a residential setting. She seems stable right now, but that could change at any time. My son has sided with his wife and is her greatest defender (or enabler...) and is angry with all of us and has limited contact. I need help to deal with this family that I love very much. Does anyone know of a good therapist who can help me navigate these complicated dynamics? Preferable NYC/Long Island or virtual.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Concerned,

You must be so sad that your son and DIL have seemed to cut you off, probably when they need you most.

I'd say, if you and your DIL were able to maintain a healthy relationship for a couple of decades, that she has a track record of holding things together.  Though she might have some BPD traits, typically "full-blown" untreated BPD would come with significant difficulties in sustaining long-term, healthy relationships.  I think that might give you some hope about reconnecting with your son and DIL at some point.

It seems to me that the crisis at hand is the granddaughter, who has had multiple suicide attempts.  I went through that with my own stepdaughter.  It was terrifying, and it also tore up the entire family.  I suspect that your son and DIL are terrified right now.  They fear for their daughter's life, and they're probably trying everything in their power to help her, but nothing seems to work, because she's had several attempts.  If your granddaughter has BPD, she's likely raging at her family, blaming them for everything, plus being extremely mean about it.  Her parents might feel despondent, making decisions in a FOG (out of fear, obligation and guilt).  Plus the expense and disruption of repeated residential treatments adds a ton of stress, and money is probably short.  They might come to the realization that their precious daughter is seriously ill, and their dreams for a happy future for her are fading.  They are probably feeling a mix of negative emotions, including fear, desperation, frustration, anger and grief.  They likely feel stressed out and sleep-deprived.

Anyway, the exact same thing happened in my household.  Everyone was "walking on eggshells," bracing for the next crisis.  When living in crisis mode, suddenly any little thing can throw people off.  During this phase, my husband was constantly lashing out at me, when I felt I had done nothing wrong.  He tried to control my every move--in a vain attempt to regain control of his life--and he'd yell and curse me out at the slightest provocation, such as when I'd sigh before starting a new task, or if I coughed when I had Covid.  My point is, everyone isn't feeling like themselves right now, because of the multiple suicide attempts.  It may be that your son is acting out and getting mad at you, too, even though all you've tried to do is be supportive.  He might also "side" with his wife, because she thinks she's mad at you, and she forces him to take sides, to "prove" his loyalty.  He might feel that he's doing everything he can to keep his family together, and you are a casualty.

You are right, the family dynamics are in crisis right now, and it's no wonder, given your granddaughter's suicide attempts.  If you think that therapy can help you sort through the emotions, then go ahead and try to get help.  Even if the therapist isn't an expert in BPD, I think they'd understand where you're coming from.  Regarding the estrangement, I'd suggest that you reach out to your son on occasion (maybe once a month) with a short message like, I'm here for you if you need me.  But I wouldn't recommend communicating your own needs or emotions (I miss you!  Why are you doing this to me?  I haven't seen my granddaughter in months, I'm worried sick about her, and I have no idea what's going on . . . I don't deserve being cut off, all I've tried to do is help!  When can I come see you?  Is granddaughter at home now?  Is she getting medications?  Can you please tell her I love her?), as that would likely be triggering.  They have enough to deal with already, and adding your own emotional needs on top would probably only make things worse.  If they later turn around and blame you for not helping, then just let that false accusation slide.  You see, blaming you is a coping tactic.  You know you didn't cause the crisis.  In fact, nobody did.  BPD is an illness, and therapy can help.  The rub is that for therapy to work, your granddaughter has to want to make some changes so that she can start to feel better.  It's up to her, and only her.  Nobody else can force her.

Maybe another thing you might try is to be supportive from afar.  Without knowing your son, I'm not sure what sort of help he might appreciate.  Maybe you send him some prepared meals, or maybe some cash, something to help him ease the strain.  Just don't expect thanks, appreciation, information or renewed contact.  Just know that you're supporting him the best you can from afar as he lives through this crisis. 

[ConcernedGma25]

Dear CC43,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Your comment that my relationship with my DIL was good for two decades indicates that "she's not 'full-blown' untreated BPD", gives me hope. I was her sounding board for her wrath against others and helped her, by careful, empathic listening, to calm down and carry-on.  The problem now is that I am the target and she refuses to take my calls and communicates her wrath through my son.  Yes, it is sad. I feel they both need support now the most and I feel quite helpless.
You are very perceptive to see the real crisis as our granddaughter with multiple suicide attempts. She had scholarships to go to college and two weeks before the start of her advanced education, she took an overdose of pills. When I talked to her later, she said that she was scared and didn't want to go. You can see how fragile she is, yet so smart.  The mental health department of the hospital kept her as long as they could, but this was not a long-term solution and there were no group homes available. She is 18, an adult, and has no insurance, so her options are limited.  She called me and asked if she could live with us, but as a senior with limited energy, I can't keep her safe. So she went home and is working a part-time job at a local store and is okay so far.  I call her from time to time and she seems happy with the calls. I think she would do well in a supportive group home, away from her mother. My DIL has a sharp temper at times and can set her off. It is not a good situation.
I appreciate your advice about not communicating my needs to my son or anyone else in his family. My son wrote a lengthy text message with everything wrong with our family (down to comments made years ago not thanking them enough for everything they did for us, or the other grandkids being messy and not abiding by their rules, etc.). My tendency is to give a response to each negative claim, but after reading your advice, I think that the drama is a smoke screen for all the anxiety, depression, and concern about our granddaughter. I will try to be affirming and supportive, without judgment.
I am still trying to figure out how to be supportive from afar. I had sent money to help with expenses and my DIL said that I was "buying affection." That didn't work.
I will try to find a therapist for myself, so I can gain more insight and respond helpfully. Any ideas?

[CC43]

Hi again,

I'm not sure I have many ideas, but I might have some insights.  First, going away to college is a major life change, and I think it could easily derail someone with BPD.  Now, it's terrifying that your granddaughter decided to attempt suicide rather than deal with all the stress of college.  Yet she shows remarkable clarity and self-awareness:  she states that going to college scared her, and she didn't want to go.  A more typical "BPD" response would be to blame someone else!  My stepdaughter would do that, blaming siblings for messing her up so much that she couldn't study or succeed at college, even if she hadn't talked to any of her siblings for months!  She'd dredge up incidents from ancient history, and dwell on them incessantly, rather than focus on school.  Why?  Because college is hard, scary and stressful, especially for someone with a fragile sense of self, which is typical for BPD, making it difficult for her to pick a major or fit in with the right friend group.  All that adds up to stress and uncertainty, perpetual "anxiety" as well as feeling "abandoned" when away from home for so long.

Secondly, it sounds like your granddaughter is working part-time.  That is FANTASTIC.  Many people with BPD can't handle the stress of working, or even abide by a regular routine.  Working part-time can help her build up some confidence, build her resume, and help her practice interacting with peers, while also allowing her time to continue therapy.  Maybe if she shows some stability for a few months, she could add an online class or two.  That way, she could take some baby steps towards independence.  I just think its unrealistic to expect her to go directly from residential treatment and jump right into full-time, on-campus college pursuits when she's not ready.  I think that taking baby steps, working gradually towards college, has a higher chance of success.  Today more than ever, it's not a big deal to put off college for a while.  And increasingly, it's easier and easier to pursue alternative education options, such as online classes that are tailored to her schedule.  It may be that your granddaughter felt that not attending college would disappoint her parents, and she didn't want to disappoint them, so she tried suicide.  That's a lot of unnecessary pressure in my opinion.  College isn't for everyone, and I think it's perfectly fine for her not to go if she's not ready, as attending and failing out is not only a bummer, but also a waste.  There are plenty of other paths in life. 

If you are close by, maybe you could support your granddaughter, not by giving her a permanent place to stay, but by letting her visit with you for a night or two, just to get a break.  Maybe you cook her dinner.  Maybe you let her sleep over.  My BPD stepdaughter visits me and her dad two to four times a month, and I think it helps.  She gets a little break from her small apartment, a few free meals, and time to watch a nice TV and relax.  Meanwhile, we keep tabs on her, and encourage her when she shows signs of distress.  We try to stay upbeat and optimistic.

[zachira]

Elinor Greenberg