Daughter blames me for assumed BPD diagnosis

[Melissa Clark]

Just looking for support.  Have been experiencing issues with my daughter for 20+ years but it's now looking so clearly like BPD.  She has recently told me to "go away" for absolutely no reason, and after me being the one person there supporting her through her whole life (too many issues to get into detail in my first post)

She has a 10 year old son and a younger daughter and she's keeping them away from me to "punish" me even though I did nothing wrong.  The only thing I'm guilty of is doing too much.

Just need some coping mechanisms.  Having a hard time.

Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there, what you describe will sound familiar to many parents with adult children with BPD.  When my adult BPD stepdaughter pushes us away and blames us for her woes, even if we haven't interacted with her at all of late, I take it as a sign that she's feeling stress in her life.  The blaming is her coping mechanism.  She might also avoid interacting with us to escape any questioning (as simple as, How are you?), because the questions seem like inquisitions to her.  She feels some mixture of shame, regret or embarrassment.  So she'll retreat, in avoidance.  Does she hole up, procrastinate and isolate when she's distressed?  If yes, that sounds very typical.  Does she use her kids to punish you?  Ditto.

If you are supporting her a lot, then my guess is that she'll come back to you and ask for help when she's ready.  If she doesn't, then maybe you can feel grateful that she's learning some independence, and at least she's not lashing out at you with hatred.  In the meantime, try to enjoy yourself.  You can model what a healthy adult's life looks like.  I know it's hard.  Maybe talking to a therapist might help.  Maybe you write down your thoughts in the form of letters, but don't mail them.

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I experienced similar behaviors from my 26 year old BPD daughter.  Here's something to keep in mind:

You're responsible for you, and your daughter is responsible for her life.  While you might always be mom, she has to live her own life and deal with her own consequences.

Your daughter was mean to you recently and cut you off- what's the appropriate response from a mom when that happens?  It might feel like it's your job to fix things, to soothe away and dysfunction, but your kid only takes that as a confession that you're guilty of whatever she's blaming you for.  In other words, it's enabling her to show even worse behavior.

Remember, you're responsible for you.  She's responsible for her.  That has to be like a line drawn in the sand in your life where you'll no longer validate her invalid thinking or actions.

It's terrible to be separated from grandkids.  I recently went through that and it absolutely broke my heart, so I completely understand.  But the mindset that got me through it was accepting that it was "for now only" and "this too shall pass."  And it did.  You have to allow things to play out though and stop seeking your child's approval when she's treating you poorly.

I'm sorry that sounds harsh and I really feel for what you're going through.  The cycle of abuse has to be broken though and you need to stop supporting your kid when she's treating you badly.

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I am so sorry to hear this!  I won't bore anyone with the story...quick version, my 25 y/o pw BPD cut me, her father, sister & nieces "off" (with ZERO warning); I only hear from her if she needs something (i.e. money); she will respond if I text her on holidays/bdays, however, she never initiates; oddly, the only people she reaches out to is my mom & my sister (whom years ago she despised) so....sadly, I have no advice!  the thing is....like, you, I did EVERY thing she asked of me (some of the things were heart breaking (like hide her knives) yet, she turned it around & said I enable her, sigh....I pray your situation improves; reach out, if you like!