Dreading a divorce that feels inevitable (child involved)

[happypossible]

sigh. Before I start, I think it’s important to share that Im signing myself up to talk to a therapist and work through all of this, but I’ve been reading this forum for a few months now and find it comforting/mind-blowing when I read situations so similar to mine.

I’m in a same-sex couple and my wife and I have been together 7 years, married 3. We have a 15m old daughter.  I won’t go into too many details about how bad things have been, because when I read this forum I feel like I’m looking in a mirror. I work from home full time and my wife stays home with the baby full time and doesn’t work. I either do +50% of the childcare while working, or she takes the baby to her parents/they come over. She’s completely unreliable to the baby for more than 1-2 days at a time if absolutely necessary. She breaks down, violently (to herself) in front of the baby, has no regard for screaming or fighting in front of her.. nothing. 2 months ago, I missed 5 days of work to care for the baby while alternative care was unable and my wife was unstable.

I’m losing the empathy that was once so helpful to finding our peace. On her good days, I’m just not really relieved to have peace the way I used to. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

All to say.. we have agreed for a while not to try and do couples counseling but it’s 100% up to me to set up.. no effort from her. I plan to, but not sure if I even want this anymore. It’s the baby that keeps me here though. My wife has said SO many horrific things while on a rage, specifically about not loving the baby as much as I do, ok with me having full custody.. unimaginable things. I WANT primary custody. So badly. I’m scared that when it comes down to it though, my wife would put up a fight. I fortunately have a member from HER family who said they would back me up in needing primary custody for the baby’s best interest.

So how does this work… she’s unwell so she isn’t around, and then when she’s healthy she just gets to come into the baby’s life? I realize after a lot of instability I can say enough is enough and (hopefully) do something. But until then, it feels like she gets to do “whatever she wants” and I’m left trying to be stable.

Idk.. clearly I’m all over the place. I’ve slowly started to gather text messages and photos of her behaviors. Any help or input would be greatly appreciated. Either way, thanks for the vent.

[PeteWitsend]

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All to say.. we have agreed for a while not to try and do couples counseling but it’s 100% up to me to set up.. no effort from her. I plan to, but not sure if I even want this anymore.

If you've been reading this board for a while, you probably know marital counseling/couples counseling with a BPD partner is a fool's errand. 

It’s the baby that keeps me here though. My wife has said SO many horrific things while on a rage, specifically about not loving the baby as much as I do, ok with me having full custody.. unimaginable things. I WANT primary custody. So badly. I’m scared that when it comes down to it though, my wife would put up a fight. I fortunately have a member from HER family who said they would back me up in needing primary custody for the baby’s best interest.

How sure are you that the family member would back you up?  Remember, for their opinion to actually matter, they'd have to be willing to go to court and testify under oath the pwBPD is not fit to be a parent. this is in all likelihood going to permanently rupture that person's relationship with your partner, and possibly with the rest of her family as well, if they don't feel the same way. 

It's one thing for them to say something to you, quite another for them to actually follow through with this.  Probably something to discuss with your attorney if/when you hire one.

So how does this work… she’s unwell so she isn’t around, and then when she’s healthy she just gets to come into the baby’s life? I realize after a lot of instability I can say enough is enough and (hopefully) do something. But until then, it feels like she gets to do “whatever she wants” and I’m left trying to be stable.

Idk.. clearly I’m all over the place. I’ve slowly started to gather text messages and photos of her behaviors. Any help or input would be greatly appreciated. Either way, thanks for the vent.

 

This is something you need to talk to an attorney about.  It's really hard to remove custody from a parent.  usually to limit contact even just to supervised visits, it has to be clear the parent is a danger to the child.  and if they're going to fight this in court, you'd need to be able to show abuse, or some sort of parental impairment (like drug addiction) that the judge could base their decision on. 

I suppose the best case scenario is that the pwBPD just goes away and shows no interest in being a parent, and doesn't fight it out.  And pwBPD make very poor parents; even if they're high functioning, they don't like to parent, because being a parent is WORK, and you have to be mature and accountable to do work.  But unfortunately, there's likely something that keeps them around, even if they hate being a parent: child support ($$$), or spite, i.e. the ability to get back at the non-BPD parent by staying involved with the kid(s), the personal pride of being a parent, or the public embarrassment of losing custody that keep the pwBPD around. 

You may be able to limit your partner's involvement to supervised visits if you can meet the substantial burden in court of showing that they cannot be alone with their child. 

It's tough.  There's no really good outcome here, there are only less harmful ones.  And with your child being so young, they truly are completely at the mercy of the BPD parent.  If that parent has a complete breakdown for a weekend, it's a lot more potentially harmful to an infant, than a teenager, who could at least take care of themselves a bit if the BPD parent will not. 

If you can find an attorney that is experienced in handling with cases like this, it would help.  Note that EVERY divorce attorney will say they are, so you're going to need to put in more leg work sorting out the ones that are full of it, and the ones that can provide evidence to back up their claim. 

[ForeverDad]

So much of the legal aspects depend on your local jurisdiction (country, state or province, county), your attorney/solicitor, as well as any background perspective the counselors or therapists you two have seen.

Typically, therapists refuse to testify directly to avoid lawsuits or licensing complaints but will share information with Guardian ad Litems (GAL or child's attorney), custody evaluators and parenting coordinators.

One question perhaps an attorney can answer is whether your local court system will make decisions based on which spouse birthed the child.  Probably shouldn't matter but who knows what the unwritten policies (or judicial discretion) might be.

When I separated my ex faced a charge of Threat of DV pursuant to state law.  (It was eventually dismissed since a local case law decision limited guilt to threats with a weapon in hand.)  She promptly turned to domestic court and we ended up with her having sole temp custody and temp majority time.  She also started play therapy behind my back which I didn't discover until 3 months later.  Why do I share all this?  When I approached the agency they responded with a denial form letter stating I was a risk to my child or others.  Huh?  They only saw the temp order where she had full temp custody and so I was shut out.  They didn't care that the same temp order granted me unsupervised 3 day alternate weekends and time in between.  I lived with those temp orders for two years.

When PeteWitsend wrote that it is hard to get full or complete custody without a determination of abuse or endangerment, that may be with regular court orders.  There is more latitude allowed when issuing temp orders, as with my experience.  I had not been proactive enough and so was limited at first.

Be fully aware that most of us Nice Guys and Nice Gals here are very fair people.  That otherwise excellent quality can allow a risk of self-sabotage when in legal scenarios.  As reasonably normal parents, we need to step forward as the more stable and overall better equipped parent.  Don't worry about you being overly fair to your own detriment, the legal system will ensure her rights are protected.