Struggling with intimacy

My uBPD husband and I have been together since we were 15, now 20 years ago. We have 2 boys, 12 and 8. Slowly throughout the years I haven't initiated sex as much, which has been a complaint of my husband's for years. He has frequently woken me up in the middle of the night for sex to help him sleep. (which I've read is common for people with BPD) I have recently read the Stop Caretaking the borderline book and have been more firm with my boundaries. I want 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which he has not been thrilled about at all.
To make matters worse, in the last 3 months he has had 3 extreme rages/loss of all emotional control. The first time he threatened to kill himself, told my kids I wanted a divorce and left the house for multiple hours and turned his phone off. The second time, I went to leave the house after he was screaming in my face that I hate him and he blocked me from leaving in my car, I had to call the police and he still tried to yell through my phone that I was physically assaulting him. He did back off before the police got to the house and I was able to leave. Two weeks ago, he suggested I sleep in another room because he wasn't going to be able to not engage with me... But 2 hours later he went to that room, kept trying to wake me up, was crying on me and asking to talk. I stayed firm on my boundaries and kept telling him I didn't want to be woken up and he wasn't respecting my wishes. He eventually went to leave... I'm unsure if what he said was true... But he said he wanted to quietly leave but accidentally opened the door so much the handle dented the wall. This upset him and he started repeatedly punching the door, causing a huge hole in the wall and the door needing to be completely replaced. I'm not convinced of this story and believe he was just angry and started punching it. With each of these incidents, I have found I want sex less and less and he has noticed..
For context, I have had sex with him 3 times in the last week and he's currently upset that I denied him yesterday morning and overnight last night.
He has also refused to go back to couples counseling for 2 months, has moved his weekly individually therapy to bi-weekly and is sure he doesn't have BPD, just depression and anxiety... He started taking Zoloft in November and thinks he's doing so much better. He doesn't like when I bring up those three incidents and says I'm dwelling on the past and not allowing him to move on from them.

He is extremely insecure and now is accusing me of having an affair.
I'm not sure where to go from here or how to explain my lack of feeling secure enough with him to be that intimate. His emotions are so fragile, I'm afraid me saying it that way would tip him over the edge
Looking for any advice.

Thank you



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