So a couple of questions I have for you all, I’ll start with those and you can read below for details if you like
1. What do you think about bringing notes into therapy? I am not always great about remembering details of situations, or even my thoughts & feelings - much better at thinking through and writing them. I was making notes on my concerns for the relationship, describing the patterns of behavior not coming out and saying I think she has BPD. As well as my concerns for her heavy drinking and how it causes anger and aggression. In addition I was taking some details from 2 recent BPD episodes for examples. It’s all come out to a couple of pages.
2. My wife is an alcoholic but doesn’t think she is. Or won’t admit it. She definitely has BPD episodes w/o alcohol but when she drinks it’s like gasoline on the fire. She often gets aggressive and angry when she drinks, snippy and is very very prone to being set off so much more quickly. Question is - everything I’ve read said that marriage issues are difficult if not impossible to work on if an alcoholic is actively using. I guess the real question is should I direct the therapist or emphasize my concerns initially primarily for the alcohol use? I don’t think she’s gonna have any control as long as she continues to drink… but it scares me because I really don’t think she will ever stop drinking.
Background on the current situation: We’re going into marriage therapy in a couple of days. This is the second time we’ve gone in. The difference is this is the first time we’ve started therapy with me knowing she has bpd traits and as certain as I can be without being a psych she has full blown bpd and possibly some npd. The prior time I had no idea what bpd was. Therapy was entered to mostly ‘fix’ me so I would just stop doing things to make her angry/sad/enraged/etc. I now see that my uBPDw has a serious mental illness.
To that end where we are now is my wife insisted on seeing a therapist from our church. It’s the only way she would agree to go back to therapy. One of her techniques for what I now see as gaslighting or manipulation was to tell me things like I’m not putting her where God says she should be. That I’m not prioritizing her above everything else and I treat her like trash, etc. during her episodes of being enraged for days, she’s often told me that I just need more God (I am a Christian and a believer.) because if I was a better Christian, had more God than I wouldn’t treat her as terribly as I do and make her feel like she does. Anyway, that’s basically her motivation for wanting to see a therapist from the church. I did make an appointment but came to find out that the therapist at our church are essentially interns. They’ve finished their education and are working on getting enough clinical hours to get their full credentials. So this will not be an experienced therapist, which concerns me greatly. Without any experience, I do worry that my wife might be able to manipulate this person and may not have a good understanding of PD’s. On the other hand, part of me actually hopes that this would shine a very bright light on her alcoholism. Because this is through the church and of the situation, we only get six sessions, but they are free.
At first, she told me that this was our last chance of therapy. But later on said that she would agree to see a therapist outside of the church if I wanted. Praise Jesus.
But I am feeling apprehensive if this therapist gets manipulated by my wife or just is plain clueless about working with PDs. And maybe it’s worrying about too many”what if’s” but I do think about what if I don’t think this person ends up good or qualified and want to move onto someone experienced in these areas (I have one I want to try who specializes in couples counseling, BPD, and helping people with emotional regulation).
