How much is too much?

[Petra1115]

I have been posting on the "improve the relationship" board but I am wondering if that is really the right board. My partner and I have been together for just over two years and in the past 8 months or so he breaks up with me every two weeks. Each time feels more and more final, and tonight I think it actually could be the final discard. Today we were in a mixed group of people and when I responded to another man's question while giving eye contact, my partner interpreted that to be flirting... and talked about how I can't behave and how I "misrepresent" him. I could not keep my cool about this as I am a loyal and trustworthy person... and he has made accusations like this before. It is maddening to be accused of flirting when I was having basic conversation in a group of people. (As an aside, my partner has asked if he could have threesomes with my friends... and has actually flirted with some of them, and I would not think of doing that to him; which makes it all the more frustrating to have him accuse me of something that I wasn't doing.) Then he called me a "whore" and "Ursula"... etc, which stings and feels very out of place. He says he is done. And that he can do better... and that he is out of my league, etc, etc....
I don't know what my question is here; I just feel frustrated and sad... that whatever he is making up in his mind isn't based on reality... and that he is using that distorted view as a basis for his decisions.
Is it ever worth it to stay with someone who refuses to get treatment for BPD? Can anything good come out of it?

[Pook075]

Is it ever worth it to stay with someone who refuses to get treatment for BPD? Can anything good come out of it?

Love is complicated in general, but even in BPD relationships you'll see good come out of it all the time.  The real question here is how you weigh the good and the bad in your relationship.

Nobody can tell you whether to stay or to go, and none of us know what it's like to walk a day in your shoes.  We have similar stories, sure, but every relationship is unique and we all value different things. 

For me, if someone repeatedly said that they could do better, then I'd wish them luck and be on my merry way.  But that's the answer for me because I have a good balance of self esteem and humility.  You have to find the answer for you.

[ForeverDad]

Is it ever worth it to stay with someone who refuses to get treatment for BPD? Can anything good come out of it?

BPD exists on a spectrum from mild traits to extreme ones.  To complicate things further, what you experience can progress in stages from mild to extreme over time.

Possibly you didn't notice it much at first.  It's called the idolization phase.  (Everyone experiences that, but the dysfunctional traits make it worse.)  I believe a couple reasons why it worsens is (1) more time together lets you see the triggers more and more often and (2) that the sense of commitment and obligation deepen over time.  In a way, it seems that the more you are obligated to the relationship, the less the other is on "best behavior".

Then there's an inconsistent and somewhat unpredictable push/pull where issues/attraction appear to change based on the person's perceptions of the moment.  It's often been called a roller coaster ride of endless cycles of ups and downs.

If one of your questions is, will it get better, then sorry, the typical pattern is that it gets worse over time. WYSIWYG... what you see is what you get.

You are too close to your partner for him to truly listen to you.  Meaningful therapy is required for him to get firmly on a path toward recovery, likely years.  An obstacle is that most with BPD traits are in intense Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

I ought to add that I too experienced a spouse's jealousy.  It got to the point that I was almost stuttering if near a woman, all because my ex criticized so much.  I have a memory that if an old woman was in a crosswalk while I was paused while driving then she'd start ranting and raging that I was looking at her.  It made no sense, which by the way, could be a definition of mental health illness.  Needless to say, that and more resulted in her becoming my ex.

[Petra1115]

Thank you for these responses! It is helpful to feel validated and supported here. Self esteem is an interesting topic. I feel in general that I have decent self esteem… when it comes to my partner though it is difficult for me to leave. It isn’t even about just staying and being hopeful anymore; it is more like can this logistically continue? It seems if someone has broken up w me multiple times, I should get the hint.The thought of it getting worse is hard to swallow! I was having the feeling that things were looking up!

[Under The Bridge]

Just to add my own experience, it really does not get better unless they willingly accept they have a problem - which they won't do as they're always the victim and the 'problems' are everyone's else's - and even harder, that they agree to a treatment program, which again is unlikely.

We all had thoughts that we could 'cure' our BPD partner and they would eventually see us as our genuine, caring selves but in my case and many others, it just doesn't work.  As has been said previously 'What You see Is What You Get' after the inital idealisation phase collapses. It becomes a cycle; a treadmill and it's very predictable in how it keeps playing out.

In the end it simply comes down to how much you're prepared to endure. We don't give up instantly but neither should we persist indefinitely with a lost cause. Everyone has their 'this has to end, I deserve better' point. Mine was 4 years of trying before I realised things would never change and I either accepted it for life or got out of it totally with my sanity intact.

I made the right call as, many years later, I spoke to my ex's sister-in-law who told me my ex was still the same, maybe even worse and had now cut off from her own family.

[Petra1115]

Thanks for sharing Under The Bridge. I honestly didn't handle myself in the best way yesterday. I think I did reach a kind of breaking point... I stuck up for myself and told him he was out of line. Sometimes I feel like I am going nuts... I could have tried to smooth things over, but I didn't. I just kept letting him know that I am not who he thinks I am... and that I am not a whore. It is really insanity to stay in a situation in which verbal abuse is a go to. I don't believe his words but I think I am affected by them and have become tolerant of a lot of things and less bothered in general than I used to be. This doesn't seem great... And yesterday before this episode he told me how he wants to be with me forever. It just seems like a fairy tale.

[Under The Bridge]

I can totally understand; I used to stick up for myself too as I'd done nothing wrong. At the time - a long way back now - I'd never heard of BPD as there was no home internet to look up things then.  It's only natural we defend ourselves but we now know that it simply doesn't work against BPD as they only see their side of things and will even 're-write' a situation to make you the aggressor.

I still recall the last - and most vicious - meltdown she had, where she yelled 'You never buy me anything!' while pointing her finger in my face. At the time she was wearing a sapphire, diamonds and gold ring, two heavy gold bracelets, a gold necklace I'd bought her, and she had other jewelry I'd bought her at home. How do you deal with someone like that? I found it frightening that someone could be so mentally detached from reality.

I really wish I could have changed her but it just wasn't possible. BPD is the biggest minefield I ever faced.

[Petra1115]

Under the Bridge --It does feel like a minefield. I feel bad for being defensive and for raising my voice yesterday. But there really is nothing to say if someone calls you a whore and says they can do better. It is very predictable what happens when another man is in his and my vicinity; it doesn't matter the age of the person, or if they are my own family. I have been accused of desiring my own family sexually. I am not playing a victim here... I am just in shock once again. I cannot correct how he views things, and it really hurts... the reality he sees. If his thoughts truly were reality, I would understand why he thinks I am a whore. It must be terrible to think your girlfriend would go to bed with any man on two legs. I just don't have much energy any more to convince him of my love for him. He simply reverts to how he sees things... and insists that I don't behave well and that I don't stand by him and that I make him look bad and misrepresent him. It has been over two years. I have changed a lot of things to try to contribute to feelings of security. I have let go of friendships and have even stopped partner dancing as he didn't like that. There is a lot I have sacrificed to try to make him feel safe. I think that was why I was so infuriated yesterday. Because I have sacrificed a lot... and for what? In the end he still doesn't trust me. It just makes me sad. And I know I need to address within myself why I would let his insecurities run the relationship... why I would give up so much. I still care about him and have love for him... the last message he sent me yesterday was to stay away from him and that he wants to forget that I ever existed, and that he has had enough of my humiliating him. I haven't responded.

[Pook075]

Thanks for sharing Under The Bridge. I honestly didn't handle myself in the best way yesterday. I think I did reach a kind of breaking point... I stuck up for myself and told him he was out of line. Sometimes I feel like I am going nuts... I could have tried to smooth things over, but I didn't.

Here's the thing though; you want things to get better.  He's happy the way things are...and he's mentally ill.  So the changing has to happen by you; that's the only possible way for this to get better.  If you're just waiting for him to "grow out of it", you'll be waiting forever.

What you can change is your communication style and the boundaries you put in place when he acts inappropriately.

For instance, if he accuses you of cheating, don't dignify it with a direct response.  Instead, talk about how that makes you feel and let him know that you're not tolerating it anymore.  "If you insist on accusing me of that sort of thing, I'm walking away and spending the night at my mom's house."

That's a healthy boundary, but for it to be effective, you have to do it in a consistent way every time.  And that doesn't mean have a drag out fight and then say you're going to mom's either....right up front, before the argument starts, let him know that you love him but you're leaving because it's not okay to treat you that way.

On the other side of that, he needs compassion and support to get past that sort of thing.  He's not calling you a whore because he's convinced that you are, he's doing it because he feels insecure and wants to lash out because his own pride and ego are bruised.  Internally, he's in pain and it's not for the things he accuses you of, it's the mental illness pulling at his emotions 24/7 and he has no idea how to control it.  So he lashes out and behaves badly to those he's closest to.

If he's angry, be a friend and try to calm him down before it escalates.  If he's sad, love on him and cheer him up.  Relate to what he's going through and he'll open up more...and eventually this stuff will pass in the moment.  But like others said, it takes extreme patience and a lot of work.  It's not easy to show compassion when someone calls you hurtful names, you have to learn what's really going on and not take it personally.

BPD relationships are super hard and most of them fail.  Compassion and boundaries are the only path towards turning things around initially, with the hopes of getting closer (and past all the drama) can lead to real talks about therapy.  You can't do that when someone is dysregulated though and you certainly can't do it when they're lashing out...which is why the first steps are yours.

If you're up for it, things can get better.  We also understand how incredibly unfair it is to ask anyone to do what I've written.  That's the path though.

[ForeverDad]

We naturally want to fix things.  Problem is, you can't fix him.  The nature of the close relationship is a core issue with people with BPD traits.  (Most here never learned of a diagnosis so we had to reach our own conclusions based on the behavior patterns.)  BPD is a disorder most evident in the closest of relationships.  So much is due to the other's inability to listen when there is so much accumulated emotional and perceptual baggage.

That's why others may notice something "off" but they're on the periphery with occasional contact and so they're not as impacted as you are.

This is also why therapy from someone else might work.  Therapists know not to build close emotional bonds with their potentially BPD patients.

My worst outcome was my best idea.  I thought if we had a child together then she'd see the joys discovered by a new life.  Instead, introducing a third person into our relationship made it worse.  I had no choice but to separate and divorce to restore peace in my life and continue parenting.  I belatedly concluded that having a child - or having more children - didn't fix or reduce serious the mental health issues.

So if you wish to have children, then be the one to delay such ideas until you're sure the relationship is stable and relatively normal.

[Petra1115]

ForeverDad and Pook075, thank you for your thoughtful responses. I certainly don't want to entertain any illusions about being involved with someone who may have BPD. I think while it is clear that compassion and boundaries are helpful in these kinds of relationships (and in any relationship for that matter), it seems that a certain amount of rage and verbal abuse is to be expected. That is what is difficult to swallow. Even if I take space, or don't speak on the phone with my partner when he is angry, it doesn't stop rage episodes or verbal abuse from happening. It is more like a coping mechanism for me to stay sane in those moments. Honestly, it is tough not to be affected by these behaviors even if I do know they are stemming from a mental illness. I feel like I can detach somewhat, but in the end, his reactions are also triggering for me... The instability of the cycles make it difficult to move forward sometimes. I am aware that my choices are to stay in it, leave it, or change.

[Pook075]

The instability of the cycles make it difficult to move forward sometimes. I am aware that my choices are to stay in it, leave it, or change.

Well, you posted on the "conflicted" boards, so let's look at each option.  What would staying, leaving, or changing look like?  What are the pros and cons to each path?

[Petra1115]

Thanks for the challenge, Pook075. I have never actually written down what each option would entail.
Staying pros: I love my partner, his essence is funny, intelligent, softhearted, and creative. The potential to build a family together (both of us strongly desire this and are both in our 40s and feel urgency around this). Very well matched in terms of sense of humor, warmth, and desire to live a life off the grid and to raise children in a way where they will be connected to community and nature. We are attracted to each other and enjoy being together.
Staying cons: A bunch of unknowns-- will things get worse? How would it be to have a child with someone who has uBPD? Will I ever truly feel seen or like my needs count? Safety and stability aren't secure. Am I going to continue to lose friendships staying with this man?
Leaving pros: Being able to invest more in my friendships and family and loving friendships that have fallen by the wayside. Being able to likely live more authentically to who I am without as much sacrifice. The potential to have a healthier relationship with someone else. Less internal conflict. A potential for less anxiety. Safety!
Leaving cons: Missing my partner and his uniqueness, giving up on a dream, the fact that I may lose a chance to have a biological child given my age, starting over.
Changing pros: Changing would be me implementing more make or break boundaries which could potentially result in something different.
Changing cons: Making the changes could result in my partner leaving, or even being a dangerous loose cannon.

[Pook075]

Staying pros: I love my partner, his essence is funny, intelligent, softhearted, and creative. The potential to build a family together (both of us strongly desire this and are both in our 40s and feel urgency around this). Very well matched in terms of sense of humor, warmth, and desire to live a life off the grid and to raise children in a way where they will be connected to community and nature. We are attracted to each other and enjoy being together.
Staying cons: A bunch of unknowns-- will things get worse? How would it be to have a child with someone who has uBPD? Will I ever truly feel seen or like my needs count? Safety and stability aren't secure. Am I going to continue to lose friendships staying with this man?

How heavy does the unknown factors weigh on this decision?  Maybe he's a great dad, maybe not.  Maybe it creates an even bigger rift when your attention has to be on a baby.  It's something to think about since a lot of folks here had a baby expecting it to "fix things"...it didn't.

Leaving pros: Being able to invest more in my friendships and family and loving friendships that have fallen by the wayside. Being able to likely live more authentically to who I am without as much sacrifice. The potential to have a healthier relationship with someone else. Less internal conflict. A potential for less anxiety. Safety!
Leaving cons: Missing my partner and his uniqueness, giving up on a dream, the fact that I may lose a chance to have a biological child given my age, starting over.

What are you sacrificing now to remain in this relationship?  Really think about that and see if it's something significant to who you are (or what drives you).

Changing pros: Changing would be me implementing more make or break boundaries which could potentially result in something different.
Changing cons: Making the changes could result in my partner leaving, or even being a dangerous loose cannon.

What if you combined staying and changing...or leaving (temporarily) and changing.  Does that change the outlook any?

[Petra1115]

Thanks for your support Pook075. I think where I am at is actually staying AND changing... the thing I need to accept in this is that changing (and applying stronger boundaries) involves my confronting that getting healthier for me means accepting that healthier actions could cost me the relationship. Healthier actions mean more authenticity in my own life. Still trying to get comfortable with this uncomfortable feeling of choosing health above everything else, and realizing that this may not be something that works well for my partner.

[ForeverDad]

Another perspective is to ponder whether your decision, whichever it is, would need to be reevaluated years down the road.  You may be able to juggle it all now, though with some stress and concerted effort.  But can you do it for years?  5 years?  10 years?  20 years?

A decision made now can always be reexamined in the future.  You should not feel that, once made, a decision can never be modified or reversed in future years.

[Under The Bridge]

You may be able to juggle it all now, though with some stress and concerted effort.  But can you do it for years?  5 years?  10 years?  20 years?

Good point - it was the thought of possibly enduring for a lifetime, plus maybe things getting worse too, that made me decide to end it, hard though it was to do.

Petra 1115 - is your partner the kind who would stay and listen to you when you try to diffuse his outbursts, or does he walk away?  My ex always walked away after her outburst, making it totally impossible for me to even try to calm her or use any defusing tactics. She had the rage burst then left, whether we were in a pub, at her parent's house or anywhere. Trying to gently physically stop her only made her more determined to go. She did it every time and I had to wait for when she next reappeared before I could even start to talk to her - and that could be weeks or even a couple of months.

This was a major factor in my decision to finally end the relationship; I never got the chance to respond to any of her outbursts when they happened as she just 'hit and ran'. I hope your partner is more able to stay and listen.

[CC43]

Hi there,

It sounds to me like you're dealing with a range of different feelings, which might or might not indicate BPD, because these feelings are all normal, human ones.  But it's the intensity of the feelings and the misguided coping mechanisms that can indicate BPD.  Sometimes I think of BPD as emotional immaturity that is so extreme, it makes close relationships extremely volatile, as well as materially disrupts day-to-day life.  I guess that gets to your question, How much is too much?  With untreated BPD, feelings and coping responses generally seem super-sized.  What would be a minor disappointment or obstacle for a "normal" person feels like the "end of the world" to someone with untreated BPD.  People who are wired this way feel constantly disappointed by others and generally traumatized, so their responses tend to be trauma-like, knee-jerk reactions, rather than calmer, logical, problem-solving responses.  They feel constantly anxious and as if they are being attacked, and so their reaction is typically (extreme) fight or (extreme) flight.

I'd say, it seems to me like your partner is the jealous type, which probably stems from his own insecurities.  In your mind, you're trying to be friendly and have a normal conversation with someone, and you might think, your partner should support you when you are out socializing together as a couple.  But to him, you're flirting.  Moreover, you're paying attention to someone else, not to him, so you're "abandoning" him.  He feels left out.  He might also feel envious that you seem happy when he isn't, and that you are adept at socializing, when he isn't in that moment.  So he's jealous because you're talking to another man, and also because you make friends easily, and also because you seem to exclude him, and also because you seem happy when he isn't.  I think these feelings are fairly normal to experience from time to time.  Yet if your partner has BPD, these feelings of jealousy and envy are intense, and his inner dialogue might spin rapidly and totally out of control.  He's thinking, you like that man more than him.  You're not just making friendly conversation, you're seducing another man.  Then he thinks, you're going to leave him.  How dare you?!?  He starts to see you as unfaithful, evil, mean, hurtful.  His fear of abandonment goes into overdrive, and he decides to beat you to the punch, to punish you by breaking up with you first.  That way, it's your fault--because you were bad--and not because of his own insecurity/inferiority complex.

To take things one step further, with BPD, he's projecting his own insecurities onto you.  He'll say, he wonders why he even dated you in the first place, as he's out of your league.  He can do better.  But that's BPD code for, he thinks YOU are out of his league and that YOU can do better.  He's ruminating about that all the time, and so everything he sees is through the distorted lens of insecurity.  There's the key word--distortion.  That echoes the "borderline" in BPD, being just on the border of psychosis, which is losing touch with reality.  Their experience of the world is "distorted" by intense emotions that can lead them to jump to conclusions that aren't necessarily based on fact, but on feelings.  And that gets me to projection, which is a typical feature of BPD, because of distorted thinking when intense emotions take over.  Do you want to know what's bugging your partner?  Listen to what he's accusing you of, but apply it to him.  In other words, listen for his feelings, not the fact patterns.  What I hear is, he feels very insecure in the relationship, and he's lashing out in anger and frustration, which will be quickly followed by shame and regret.

Another feature of BPD is blame-shifting.  Everything is always someone else's fault.  I think the experience you describe has some blame-shifting in it.  It was his decision to break up with you, but you're to blame, even if all you did was (dare to) talk to someone at a party that you attended as a couple, while he didn't make enough of an effort to socialize with you.

He won't be the first person on the planet for feeling jealous and breaking up with you, then regretting the decision and trying to get back together.  You have to decide if you can handle someone who seems so emotional and impulsive.  I think he's showing you how he really is.  If he has BPD, he could learn to cope with his emotions better with intensive therapy.  But it's not your place to tell him to get therapy.  He needs to decide that for himself.

[Petra1115]

Thanks everyone! You all have given me much to reflect on.
Forever Dad- you are right. This is something I can take day by day.... but anything beyond today can feel so overwhelming. I often get anxious about the future and am wondering if the positive thoughts I have about it are just a fantasy. I clearly give more weight to the good times than the bad; and I think that is where the cognitive dissonance and the depression set in. It is the feeling that my life is compartmentalized (as a survival mechanism) and is also controlled by the whims of my BPD partner.
Under the Bridge- To answer your question, my partner doesn't tend to walk away when he is splitting. He is unconsolable and just rages and tries to get me to concede into his delusional projections. I am the one who takes space, bc there is nothing I have found that can calm him down in these moments. Usually he will start messaging me once space is taken and once he is calm (and I am also more regulated) we come back together.
CC43- Agree with everything you are sharing here. I think the hard part is not so much that he gets jealous, but it is the accusations and demands he makes because of that jealousy... all based on his own imaginings of a given situation. He often becomes controlling in these instances and will say something like... "I don't want you hanging out with so and so anymore... it's them or me." This is with friends of mine who are of the same gender; it is basically anyone who he views as a threat or people who disagree with him. He tries to eliminate friendships because he feels like they get between our relationship. It gets harder and harder for me to maintain friendships in these instances.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Isolating you from friends is a control tactic and can be indicative of abuse. It may be that he feels like he has no control of his life, so he turns around and tries to control you. He might try to isolate you so that you focus all your attention on him all the time. I think that is not healthy. I’d say, even if he throws a tantrum when you are seeing girlfriends from time to time, your boundary is, you go ahead and see them no matter what his behavior. Now I’m not saying that you abandon him or spend all your time with the girls. But you need a full and healthy social life. It’s not right to isolate you, so you don’t allow that.

[Petra1115]

Yes, I know it is controlling. This is where I need to stand my ground. Of course it isn't easy because I get a lot of reactivity from my partner and it is honestly easier (temporarily) to concede.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, I know it is controlling. This is where I need to stand my ground. Of course it isn't easy because I get a lot of reactivity from my partner and it is honestly easier (temporarily) to concede.

The goal of a healthy relationship is for us to be encouraged and upbuilt - and to encourage and upbuild others.  If it's not positive then it's time to examine what it will take to correct our lives.

[CC43]

Petra,

I have the same issue with a controlling husband, who wouldn't qualify to be BPD, but has some BPD behaviors from time to time.

When I'd visit with friends from time to time, he'd throw a tantrum, text me multiple times during a two-hour period, and then throw a fit if I did not respond right away.  Typically I did not respond right away because my phone was in my jacket or purse, I was socializing, and I thought it would be rude to look at my phone all the time.  He'd allege that I was a terrible wife because I ignored his texts (which, not coincidentally, he'd send when I was out with friends, as he'd rarely text any other time).  Originally, I'd call him when I noticed the text, and I'd find out that all he was doing was checking on my whereabouts, even if he knew full well where I was, because I told him beforehand.  Then he'd demand that I come home right away, because I was out for "too long" or "too late."  In his mind, 8PM was too late!  So initially I'd run back home, like he was a little boy and needed his mommy.  But that isn't healthy!  He was in essence giving me a curfew that's earlier than a tween's, and he tried to isolate me!  So I changed tack.  When he called irate whenever I was socializing, I'd ask, What's the emergency?   (There never is an emergency by the way).  And that didn't work either, it just provoked him even more.  That's because I was JADEing (justify, argue, defend or explain--in this case, I was "argumentative" by asking why he needed me so urgently).  Over time, I found that the best response was, "I'm out with my friends.  If you're calling just to yell at me, I'm going to hang up."  And then I hang up.  If he repeats, I'll say the same thing again.  And I let him have his tantrum.  He'll give me the cold shoulder when I do get home, and he'll act like a jerk.  But typically by the next day, he'll see he was being totally unreasonable.  It's not like I was out past midnight.  I'm home by 9PM, 9:30PM tops, I was just having drinks with the girls, which I do maybe every other month.  He knows perfectly well he's being mean, controlling and unreasonable.  So I let him have his little tantrum, but I don't get sucked into it.  He needs time and space to cool off.  And then he'll act like nothing happened.  It might not be ideal, but it's better than staying home totally isolated, or getting sucked into a ridiculous argument.

All my best to you.

[Petra1115]

YES Forever Dad!

And CC43-- I so appreciate your giving me a window into your journey with the control issue. What I am recognizing is that allowing for controlling behavior doesn't actually serve the relationship. I have made a lot of concessions, and my partner intruding on my friendships crosses a line for me. If I give in, it will start detracting from me and my own well being, and I will have little positive energy to contribute to the relationship. I feel it takes courage to shift, and that book we discussed is starting to really drive home the fact that the change must begin with me... and that for different results I must respond differently!

[orderline]

How Much Is Too Much?

That is a really good question. Many sufferers asking this question have something else in the balance—continuity, stability, patience.

The real question is: when do you give up on a malfunctioning computer or car that keeps breaking down, even after multiple repairs? How long before you accept that it will never get enough time to prove itself before another glitch appears?

We assume—or hope—that the thing has another way to function, a way in which it lasts longer and doesn’t fail us.

In this case, the “thing” troubling you isn’t a machine—it’s another human being who simply doesn’t work properly.

So ask yourself: what kind of shift in worldview or mindset would be required for a person who calls you a whore to suddenly become a trusting and supportive partner? Realistically, it sounds like this person would need the entire motherboard replaced.

Have you ever heard of an asshole turning into a saint without some major life-altering event? Something like surviving a meteor strike or falling out of a plane and miraculously living?

After years in a borderline relationship, I’ve come to believe there are a few choices worth considering.

Separate your mental well-being from him and his actions. Stay his life partner, but without expecting anything worthwhile from him. Don’t invest in anything he can destroy. The more he tries to entangle you in drama and invent ways to hurt you, the more you disengage.

If he doesn’t notice, he’ll eventually be out of the game—useless to you, since all he brings is problems and nothing of value.

A functional partner does not need to be managed. A functional partner can live in the same space as you, and you still feel safe, knowing peace can be maintained. He regulates himself. He can even manage conflicts—yes, even the ones you might ignite or contribute to.

A partner should be someone like you—someone with similar values.

But if you’re dealing with BPD, this isn’t just a bad phase layered on top of an otherwise happy, functional person. This is who he is. There’s no missing insight, no demand you can place over a cup of coffee that will change him. BPD sufferers struggle immensely to fit the pieces together.

This is the reality. This is how he operates. I wouldn’t hold out hope for fixing it. And if he thinks he can fix it, how exactly will he prove that? By spending more of your valuable time on him?

Typically, the blame or responsibility is pushed onto you—to endure him, trust him, and accept his excuses for why he treats you poorly. The question "how much is too much" will still be there to solve. Maybe a little worse - but is it now ok?

A better question is : Is it now ok?

You sound mentally strong. Don’t waste your time on a problem that will prevent you from having a better relationship—unless you’re willing to carry this person as a patient, dedicate yourself to his issues, and willingly sacrifice your own peace.

[Petra1115]

Orderline-

Thank you. This was helpful... the reality and analogy you provided here. We are not married. We have no children. He is just fed up with the fact that I have not invested further in our relationship --which I get... I have felt similarly stuck. Wanting the things that he wants, like family and life-long partnership, but not confident that this is the best thing for me considering what I have already endured. You said "Don't invest in anything he can destroy"--basically, that could be anything.
I think I am kind of at an edge after him wanting me to separate from certain friends and family. He has broken up with me yet again because of his wounds around me visiting my family for a few days without having invited him (because the last time my mother visited, he broke up with me in front of her and said that all the bad things in me are from her).... Anyway, this is a side point. I think what concerns me is he doesn't see any fault in his actions... he still feels justified. And that really concerns me.