numerous nasty social media posts/emails/texts

[ssvh]

Our DIL has PPD -- She  managed to get a BS in Psychology --but has not managed to continue  in any graduate work  as she has wanted to--Her PPD keeps her from it --At  several graduate programs she was told to seek therapy --Which  she denies --so she has anagonosia --She blames everyone is keeping her from being successful--including us at times  For several years. she kept our son from us. Things  were a but better for a while --Then our son's job changed and they moved our west--She wants to leave and she has been  extremely nasty --telling us to kill ourselves --saying we are murderers  posting on YouTube that I killed my brothers --A horrible email to my one brother who is alive --blaming him for her problems and telling  him to kill himself--she refuses to work so we help them as our son does not make enough money-- Her mother is in denial --and her father who is remarried said It is becoming a form or harassment and actually we think we could go to the police  --Our son is so sweet and was bullied as a child --and is finally starting to stand up to her --we think he may want to leave --but may be terrified of what she could do.... it is heartbreaking as we were having a better relationship and seeing our son --now she has gone completely off the wall again --Has anyone known a PPD this nasty??
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

Unfortunately, the blaming and nasty accusations sound just like BPD. Telling people to kill themselves sounds like projection to me—I bet she has been thinking about suicide a lot. She might be threatening or attempting suicide, in a desperate act to try to get her pain to stop. Since she didn’t finish school or can’t/won’t hold a job, she probably feels very insecure and maybe inferior, too. She might be completely confused about what she wants to do with her life, and she expects others to make her happy, which only makes her perpetually disappointed and upset. Your son must be having a really hard time, and she might isolate him from family and friends so that he does nothing but cater to her needs—and yet she’s probably nasty to him too.

Look, she finished college so she has some ability to function in the adult world. She could turn things around with therapy. But she might have to hit bottom first, to decide to make changes so she can feel better. But when she blames other people for her problems, she shows that she doesn’t believe she has to change one iota. Sadly, things might have to get worse before they have a chance of getting better. I think therapy is the only way to a happier life, but nobody can force her to get therapy. She has to decide for herself.

[ssvh]

Thank you very much for your quick reply!  Yes she probably is very insecure --she comes from growing up in poverty--her parents split when she was five --mother with multiple partners --and we are solid upper middle class -married over 40 years ---all with doctorates in various field (including our son) --but we have been supportive in the past --and supportive financially  --But (I am reading Dr. Amador's book on anosognosia ) maybe we need to try to go back to that point of contact --of telling her she is smart and creative ...and addressing how she feels about  not getting what she wants -----But how to get her in therapy .--she saw an email I sent our son in which I told him I thought she has PPD ....and she replied "I am normal" using his email (which she does at times) and of course was furious .  She believes everyone is using mind control and 'frequencies' to make their lives bad (she feels our son should have a better job). and of course turns it around that we are the ones that should be on medication and in therapy
 The question of suicidal --I had some concerns--(my husband does not think so ) her mother attempted suicide  and she was there and got her help ---that is scary....
But the cruelty has been unbearable at times --calling us 'pieces of PLEASE READ' 'I should have punch the crap out of you'  ..pages and pages of expletives and  nastiness she sends  and posts on Facebook -we saw them at Thanksgiving and she posted a nice picture --then a week later posted the same picture with 'haters - in law"
When we try to set boundaries --it seems to make it worse --except for a few times --when  she just replied her email had been hacked --(when we confronted her mother a few years ago--her mother said the same thing--her daughter's emails was hacked )
My husband and I can go out in a few weeks and hope we an see our son at least ----so the question is to try to step back from our reactive feelings (hard at times ) I am just trying to figure out how the LEAP program will work with her --she does not quite fit in.......as she just blames us for everything (and other times not just us but all her former Professors etc)...how do we agree with that?

Again thank you fo your response--this has been very helpful!

[CC43]

Hi there,

Well I'd refrain from making any suggestion that your DIL suffers from a mental illness.  Nobody wants to hear that, even if it's true.  That happened with my BPD stepdaughter.  Her mom frequently suggested that she needed medications and therapy.  While both statements turned out to be true, my stepdaughter didn't like being told that she was ill, and that she was to blame for all her woes.  Frankly I understand where she's coming from.  Like your DIL, my stepdaughter has taken a number of courses in psychology, which may be her way of trying to figure out why she's in so much pain.  Or she might find psychology interesting, because the human mind is fascinating.  Moreover, like your DIL, she turned around and called her family psycho and/or sick, and suggested that they should be euthanized or go off and kill themselves.  I think she was projecting her own doubts about her own mental state onto various family members, while simultaneously blaming her family for all her problems.

Maybe it's a little ironic, but eventually my stepdaughter warmed to therapy.  She seemed to like the notion that she needed professionals to help to get her past a lifetime of purported traumas.  Getting help was validating in that way--she felt aggrieved, abused and angered by how others treated her--and she needed to work through those feelings to eventually get past them, or at least be able to function day-to-day without flashbacks or excessive rumination about negative, hateful thoughts.  That's where DBT therapy can help.  Now my husband and I never told her that she was sick.  But on occasion, when she was in stable mood and talking to us, we suggested that therapy might be a way to help her through a bad patch, and help her overcome a traumatic past.  If she was feeling miserable all the time, wouldn't it be worth the effort to try something different, even if there were just a slight chance that she might feel better?   I'd note that I didn't think her childhood was traumatic, but it doesn't matter what I think.  To her, it felt traumatic.  You can't argue with how someone feels.  The facts aren't important to her, the feelings are.

One thing to keep in mind is that JADE does not work with people with BPD when they are in a mood.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend and explain.  So let's say your DIL alleges that you abused her last week.  You might challenge her on the facts:  you were two hours away, the only text you sent was to wish her happy birthday, etc.  But that's arguing with facts, and explaining your point of view.  If you JADE, she feels unheard and invalidated, which only makes her feel worse.  When she's riled up, she's all emotion, and her logical brain practically stops working.  Now, you shouldn't validate the invalid, but a better response would be something like, it must feel horrible to feel abused, we never intended to make you feel that way.  I'd say, don't apologize for something you didn't do (because that gives her license to accuse you of even more sins), but do try to be compassionate.  If you can't find the right words, then I'd say, it's better to be silent, or possibly just acknowledge that you're listening with a nod or uh huh.  But if she's swearing at you, threatening you or otherwise being abusive, then you extract yourself from the situation.  You shouldn't "reward" abuse with your attention.  My shorthand for this is to say, if she's having an adult tantrum, then she needs an adult time-out.  She needs time and space to cool off.  If you get a mean text, then I'd advise not to respond at all.

One other idea I'll add is that people with BPD, when they are really stressed out, sometimes show signs of delusions and paranoia.  They can temporarily lose touch with reality.  My stepdaughter experienced that a few times, especially when she was using marijuana on a daily basis, which seemed to make her negative behaviors much, much worse.  If she shows signs of delusions or paranoia, then she could be nearing a crisis in my opinion.  I think that if she is making credible threats of violence or suicide, then 911 should be called.  In one scenario, she learns that threatening people with violence has consequences:  the police get involved.  In another scenario, she ends up in the hospital and might get some psychiatric help.

[ssvh]

Thanks again --I did  not expect her to see my accusation that she has PPD --She read our son's email -- My husband and I do not read each others email --Maybe that is a different generation .
Yes usually we ignore the nasty emails--but the Youtube posting was defamation of my character accusing me of killing two of my brothers (who I have recently and  tragically just lost )  and sending the vicious email to my brother who is 77 suffers from spinal stenosis three compression fractures-- is hunched over --she also made fun of him being single --it just went too far -- Sending to extended to extended family members was too  much for me...
.
 But we are hoping to go out in a few weeks to see our son  --And hope to use the LEAP method  and perhaps see if we can talk to her ----Our son just reached out and wants to try to find a way to work through this --That is a start -- I was considering emailing DIL and apologizing --- as a start - does that make sense ?
...And    her insecurity --which you touched upon and reminded me -- She IS actually very smart and creative ...  in the past we have emails that attest that we loved her poetry --my publicity photos are those she took! And I always give her credit..... again my thanks ...