I can't be a good parent to my BPD son and my other kids at the same time, help?

[Emilita]

I'm a 53 year old mom to a BPD transgender 21 year old son, a 19 year old daughter with mild autism, and a 15 year old son. All live at home with me and my husband.

 My BPDer is like two people in one, the nice normal one and the emotionally abusive, angry, threatening, loud one. My husband and I have been dealing with this for so long that we kind of know how to deal with it and aren't shocked or scared with these meltdowns, but my other children are understandably struggling to get why he acts that way and the episodes are scary for them, particularly for my daughter.

She is in therapy because she says she doesn't feel safe in her own home (emotionally- he is not overtly violent). This makes me so sad. My BPD son is trying desperately to put his life back together after first years of suicide attempts/hospitalizations/institutionalizations followed by years of drug abuse/rehabs then recovery. He is taking two college classes and is avoiding all drugs except the occasional marijuana for which he has a medical card.

I feel like he has come so far, but I absolutely understand and recognize where my daughter is coming from when she says she's afraid of even being in the same room with him. She has said she hates him, will never forgive him for all the unethical things he did while drug addicted (there were many).

Meanwhile he has said to me in private "mom how can I make up for stuff I did in the past that I feel bad about?" He has apologized but there is ongoing emotional volatility in the way most BPDers have.

I feel stuck. I feel like it is literally impossible to do the best thing for all of them simultaneously. This hurts so much.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

First off, I'm sorry you've had to deal with strife in your household for so long.  It is surely both draining and heartbreaking.

It sounds like your BPD son has experienced significant improvement, as he's taking some classes and staying away from non-prescription drugs.  That feels like major progress to me, especially if there have been prior hospitalizations or addictions.  What might feel like baby steps to you are giant leaps for someone with BPD in my opinion.

One thing that's clear to me is that if one member of the family is allowed to be abusive in the home, then the whole family suffers.  Home is supposed to be a sanctuary, but if someone is abusive (and allowed to stay that way), home can feel both stressful and hellish.  This can cause a host of other problems for family members, such as withdrawal, acting out, aches and pains, anxiety, depression, parentification, an eating disorder, addiction, suicidal thoughts or PTSD.  Getting therapy for psychological issues sounds positive, especially if it seems to be helping.  Yet in my opinion, abuse should not be tolerated in the home, for the sake of all the family members.  I'm not talking about the occasional argument or insult, which will happen from time to time.  I'm talking about abusiveness, whether physical or verbal.  I think if that happens, the family member should be asked to leave immediately, to protect the family.  That doesn't mean the person isn't welcome back, but they have to be civil to be allowed in the home.  My shorthand for this is an adult timeout.  When there is an adult tantrum (which can be really scary), an adult time out is in order.

I'm wondering that since your oldest is 21, isn't it about time for him to get his own place?  If you could afford to help him out with rent and setting up, that might help boost his esteem and social status, as well as give him a place to retreat when he's acting up.  I wouldn't recommend that you pay for everything indefinitely, but maybe you could help start the transition to independence, such as by offering to pay first and last month's rent, giving him some of your old furniture and paying for a percentage of the monthly rent for a few months.  If he found a place near to you, he could stop by for laundry or meals when he wants, and you could keep an eye on him.  I'd also suggest that, if he's relatively stable and handling an online class or two, he might be ready to take on a low-pressure, part-time job.  In my opinion, any job counts--from dog walking to working at Home Depot to food delivery (if he has a vehicle).  All jobs are important, because employers need the work done, and they are willing to pay someone to do it!  And it doesn't have to be a "forever" job, just something to get started.  I'd recommend starting small, such as a few hours per week, and building from there.  Since he's an adult, I hope he's taking care of some of his personal expenses.  If not, I'd suggest starting with paying for his own cell phone.  Now, I wouldn't suggest tackling independent living, responsibility for expenses and part-time work simultaneously, as that would be a lot of pressure.  But maybe he tries one new thing at a time, and then build on successes.  My BPD stepdaughter has done something like that, emerging from hospitalizations/residential stays to taking a couple online courses, continuing therapy, and then adding independent living, then part-time work, and then a heavier course load.  She made substantial progress in a couple of years.

I think taking on some adult responsibilities can help him carve out an adult identity for himself.  The sooner he does that, the easier it should be to "get past the past."  That he has apologized for past transgressions shows he's maturing and taking some responsibility already, rather than continuing to blame everyone else (as is the M.O. for most people with BPD).  In my opinion, that's a very important step.  I'd understand that it will take some time for his siblings to forgive him, especially if he continues to have scary outbursts in the home.  If he's allowed to continue to have major meltdowns in front of his siblings, not only will they continue to resent him, but they are likely to resent you as well, because you didn't put a stop to the abusive behavior.  Your eldest is an adult, and he's responsible for himself right now, but you are still responsible for the minors in your home.  Does that make sense?

Look, I have three adult stepkids, two which have diagnosed psychological issues (one is BPD), and their mom (whom I barely know) is a high-conflict person.  I got married to the kids' dad when the kids were in their late teens, and I got to know the kids a bit while we dated for a number of years.  Anyway, once I married, the kids quickly moved in with me.  And what I noticed immediately is how mean the kids were to each other, while their dad didn't put a stop to it!  I think he had a lot of divorced dad guilt, and he had a very hard time saying "no" to any of them, because that meant the kids would run to their mom's, to punish him.  Some of the meanness was of the typical sibling rivalry sort, but oftentimes I thought it bordered on abusive.  Since I was the stepmom, it wasn't my role to reprimand the kids.  But my husband didn't step in and put a stop to meanness.  He let it fester.  And I think it created a very negative, volatile, unstable, hateful and chaotic home life.  In fact I think it ultimately led to the emergence of BPD behaviors.  There were five suicide attempts (that I know of) between the two girls--they were in that much distress.  All three siblings were estranged at one point or another.  The BPD sibling hasn't spoken to either of her other siblings for a couple years now, and she'll tell you it was because of abuse sustained during childhood.  I'm not sure her definition of "abuse" would be what you or I would consider "conventional" abuse, but I heard an awful lot of mean insults and various threats over the years in my own home.  I can only imagine what transpired at their mom's home, which was surely an order of magnitude more chaotic and argumentative.  I'm certain of this because the second I married and bought a house with my husband, all the kids came to live with us, even though their mom technically had the majority of parenting time and child support.

I hope this perspective might help you a little bit.  I know how hard it is to enforce boundaries, and how boundaries can seem to make things worse before they get better.  Yet I think you need to enforce them, if not for your own sake, for the sake of your other kids.  I wish you some peace.

[Sancho]

Hi Emilita
When I read your post my overwhelming reaction was what an amazing mother you are! You are dealing with a very complex situation where individuals have particular needs and are therefore can be impacted more acutely by the emotional dysregulation of your BPD child.

To be at this point - where your BPD child has stabilized to some degree and your daughter is able to express her deep pain in the situation, tells me you have worked so very hard and been there for each of your children.

You mention you and your husband are somewhat able to cope by now with the acute expressions of BPD in daily life. It is an important point I think that everyone connected to someone with BPD goes on a journey themselves. We go through anger, wanting to reject, wanting to escape etc etc.

For someone with even mild autism, the expressions of BPD would be greatly increased in their effect so the sudden changes in mood, loudness etc would be quite frightening. The therapy - and your support - will no doubt be very helpful, but as a mother you wish you could wave some kind of wand and fix this for your loved daughter.

I am wondering if there are any practical steps that can be taken that may lessen the impact? I am thinking in terms of time and space. Is there a way of establishing a routine in which your DD is able to predict that DS will/will not be in the house for example? Perhaps there is a space that you can set up that is just for DD - not her bedroom of course - and DS knows not to go to that space? Things like that I am trying to think of.

Perhaps DS would be able to stay with a relative/friend one night a week - this can have a huge impact because DD would know each week that there is going to be a break, just from the presence of DS in the home because it's the presence that creates the unpredictability of volatility, so that even if DS is okay at one moment, there is the possibility that things can turn - just like that!

It is living with this tension that is particularly difficult for siblings.

One other thought - is there any chance DS could join an online group for siblings of those with BPD?

Yes and just one more thought - you are an amazing mother to all your children!