Thoughts on BPD new member

[Roper]

I stumbled upon this forum whilst trying to understand the BPD traits that affects my adult daughter . It has been so helpful to see that we are not alone in grappling with the daily issues that affect our daughter ourselves as both parents and grandparents
Our daughter received a diagnosis of generalised anxiety and mixed personality disorder. She is in her early forties divorced with two young children and she shares their care with her ex husband She does not live with us but we help with caring for our grandchildren as she struggles to care for them for any long period
Our daughter’s relationship with us is very volatile she swings from claiming a wonderful childhood to claiming she was abused by having a working mother.  These mood swings are extreme and can change several times in a day  It is not possible to have a reasonable discussion Texts can threaten restraining orders or subtle threats to deny access to our grandchildren . The next text is likely to claim appreciation of all the help we provide ignoring completely the previous behaviour.It is very difficult to manage and means we feel we are treading on egg shells all the time
Her behaviour worsened when she had her children but whilst she was married was characterised by more emotional behaviour where she would cut herself and ring family members multi times and become very agitated. This behaviour resulted understandably in a breakdown of her marriage .
 Since the ending of her marriage her behaviour has become less emotional but more aggressive  as she blames her ex husband  her parents  her brother and the mental health team for her condition.
We have tried to support her as we believe mindfulness yoga and exercise together with proper planning of daily activities would help We have arranged one to one yoga CBT and mindfulness courses .Whilst she does agree that these are helpful she can’t or is unwilling to use these tools to help her.
She is a bright graduate but has never been able to sustain a job claiming that the staff have been nasty or the job is stressful  We now believe that her BPD does mean holding down a job is not possible
Fear of being alone dominates her life notwithstanding having the children regularly This has resulted in fixation on relationship with new partners whose suitability is questionable.
I try each day to send a good morning text ignoring any earlier outbursts to try to keep the communication calm and to limit discussion to help we can provide the children
I  think any contact with me triggers the nasty behaviour . I feel sometimes I should confront and challenge her behaviour . I still can’t believe that she is not able to recognise how she behaves and the effect this has on her family
I am worried she will repeat this behaviour with my grandchildren when they are older.  I worry that their lives are going to follow the pattern she has established with us
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Welcome to the group. What you write will sound familiar to many parents on these boards. The moodiness, emotional whiplash, blaming others, nastiness, neediness, entitlement and general dysfunction in daily living are common issues. Using kids to punish you is also a typical theme.

I’m not sure what to tell you except that your daughter and grandkids are lucky to have you. DBT therapy can work, but your daughter has to want to make changes for it to work. Though she’s unhappy, it sounds like the status quo is working for her. She also sounds unhinged, if she’s lashing out with mean texts without provocation. You might text, good morning, and that will set her off. Because it’s a reminder that it’s not a good morning to her. Or she thinks, you are being fake, or you’re trying to sabotage her day because you didn’t give her what she wants (eg money with no strings attached), or you’re reminding her how she owes you but she doesn’t want to admit it. She probably feels like a failure and that she can’t fulfill your expectations. Her internal dialogue is surely very negative, and she’s in a permafrosty mood, but she can’t find a way forward. In fact, if she’s dredging up ancient slights from childhood, that tells me she’s looking backwards. She’s in full-on blame mode. When that happens, she believes that everyone is making her miserable. Worse, she feels she’s not responsible, and she feels powerless in her own life. Does that sound about right?  I think that’s why she’s not really ready for therapy.

[Roper]

Thank you. My daughter has support from a mental health team that currently is providing art therapy sessions I am unsure of the benefits. The mental health team have prescribed quetiapine as a mood stabiliser and increase the dose when she requests it  I am not sure whether this and the pregabalin she also takes are actually beneficial.
I am sure my good morning texts do wind her up  when she is so minded but I feel that I need to keep a calm dialogue by text to provide continuity and normality. Any expressed opinion however reasonable is very likely to cause an outburst. It is terribly sad but having her to visit with the grandchildren always results in her trying to argue in front of the children or threaten to get a taxi home. This behaviour upsets the children so we only have them alone under the pretext of giving her a rest.

[CC43]

Hi again,

Wow, you sound like a wonderful parent.  Keeping the grandkids under the pretext of helping your daughter out is the recommended approach on these boards to keep the children safe.  You've discovered the key--make it about helping her and giving her a break, and not your needs or the kids' needs--as that seems to be the least triggering to her.  Kudos for figuring that out.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter with many of the behaviors you mention, though she is younger and childless.  She was extremely moody in her late teens and early adulthood, but it seems to me that mood stabilizers did help to dampen the ups and downs a bit, provided that she stayed on them and she observed healthy habits (like eating and sleeping regularly).  In addition, the avoidance of medications that seemed to make her dark moods and paranoia worse, such as marijuana and Accutane, also helped her in my opinion.  But I think that medications to treat moodiness/anxiety/depression helped only in part.  Sadly, my stepdaughter had to hit rock bottom before she decided to commit herself to the hard work of therapy.  Her life literally depended on that.  But the good news is, once she committed to real therapy, and she found a good therapist, she turned her life around.  The first indications of improvement were finding a couple of friends, possibly because friendships with peers aren't the most intense relationships.  The next indication was being able to live semi-independently in a studio apartment.  Then she worked a little bit (eg dog walking) while she stuck to her therapy regime.  Then she started a couple of online classes.  Then she started working more hours.  She made these gradual changes while controlling her tendency to melt down at any sign of stress or disappointment.  And though she still clings to the victim attitude, her perspective is more forward-looking than backward-looking nowadays.  Today, we'll talk about what she's doing, what classes she wants to take, and her path towards graduation--topics that are about the current moment and the future, rather than hashing over past grievances all the time.  Sometimes I think that when she ruminated about ancient grievances, she became stuck in a rut, because by recalling those grievances so frequently, she carved a rut in her brain synapses!

I know it's horrible to see your daughter suffer so much, while she probably blames you for all her problems.  She might have to try to live on her own in order to discover that you're not the cause of her despair, but rather that's how she chooses to see her situation.

On these boards you'll see the advice to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your daughter if you're despondent, stressed out or destitute.  If she's acting abusive towards you, I think you have to extract yourself from the situation and get her to leave the house, if that's where she is.  You have to protect yourself (and your grandkids if possible) first.

[Roper]

Having  read many of the helpful comments I am trying to manage my adult daughter’s episodes of threats by calmly refusing to comply with her demands.I can see by always complying with her demands I am reinforcing her behaviour
It is very easy to wobble and believe that she will follow through with threats to stop contact with grandchildren restraining order call police etc . I know that her next text or call will completely ignore her threats and behaviour.
 I can see that if I set these boundaries it is beneficial for my husband and I .I hope it will also assist my daughter if she believes that her threats are no longer going to get what she wants. Hopefully this could be a small step in better family management of her bpd