Always the same but...different.

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi everyone,

I know I seem to post about the same things but somehow, each time it feels different.  My daughter is 26, undiagnosed and I can tell she's in so much pain.  That doesn't give her reason to cause everyone else pain (even though I know she is likely not intending to). 

I have been trying to understand and cope and help with this now for about ...2 or 3 years...  and it never ends and it never doesn't hurt.  Recently, I have been diagnosed with PTSD from adult abuse (from her) and I'm getting help for me, but, I feel like I need to get help for her only she won't go.

Tonight was more of the same.  What started out as her request for an innocent coffee to get out of the house, has ended with her threatening, hitting herself, slamming her feet into my windshield, threatening to jump from my car (but only opening the door so I can't drive).  She won't come in and she won't get out which leaves me on a busy street with hazard lights going and a young woman screaming at me.  Tonight I called my husband (her dad), because I knew she wouldn't "jump out" while he was on the phone and then I could drive home.  She totally gas lit me...told him I was trying to kick her out of the car and desert her.

I threaten to call the police, she says that will make sure she does "it". (suicide). I was on the phone with her until 2:00 in the morning last night trying to calm her down when she was doing everything to get around my not answering texting "please mom, I need help. and "FFS, I NEED HELP!" until I called think she legitimately needed help.

She constantly says she knows I don't love her (Of course I do), that I never do anything to help (I'm always the one there with her). That I don't listen (she gaslights and lies for her own story to make sense) and that I'm a useless bitch but I'm all she has so she doesn't have a choice.

I did finally get her home but had to leave my car and walk away. She set off the alarm so I'd go back so I did. I locked it and walked away again. This time, she disappeared. I don't know where she went. Maybe in her house, maybe for a walk...she won't answer her phone, won't respond to my texts. I got my car and went home (I live a few minutes away).

I do not know how to deal with this.
I do not know how to walk away.
I do not know how to get her help and she clearly won't get it herself (I was paying for a BPD therapy and she won't go anymore).

I just don't know how to survive like this and more importantly, how to make sure she does without putting the rest of my family (and myself) to the side.

I know you all don't have all the answers either, but sometimes, I just need to put it all out there in a safe place.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
You can see I am also in crisis mode with my posts, but I wanted to say that I see you and relate to your story.

I've ordered two books - Daughter with BPD and Boundaries and am going to read both. I'm also signed up for some of the BPD classes to gain strategies to deal with suicide threats etc. And starting with a therapist on Friday.

I've also started praying specifically to help me to let go in the right way and time because from all of the stories on here, the common theme is doing the same thing will get us the same results. But how do to it differently in a way that works? I'm still seeking those answers, listening to really smart people on here and trying to grow a spine to do things that bring me distress in the moment and my kid, but may in the long run be the only way to make things better. I think for me I have to master letting go, recognizing it could go bad and finding a way to deal with my anxiety in that moment. I DO NOT want my life to be this way long-term. I have a great husband and we enjoy life, and I can't give that up, so I have no choice but to keep seeking a way to find peace for me.

I hope for peace and serenity for you - we may have to go get it ourselves at the expense of our child's serenity, if it comes to that.

[Sancho]

Hi AlwaysAnxious
What a terrible night! My heart goes out to you because you are really being bombarded by DD’s emotional turmoil. I don’t know how many times I have had the message ‘FFS I NEED HELP’. 

The situation you describe is truly awful – and complex – and I know that suggesting quick fix solutions would only add to your distress. I will just write the things that are going through my mind – just thought bubbles really, just to let you know you are on my mind, you are not alone.

One thing I am wondering is whether there is a pattern. It seems to be evenings/nighttime, any particular days of the week? How long has DD lived by herself and I am wondering if the sense of being alone, at night, and in a separate place triggers abandonment. What was it like before DD moved out?

Containment
I am imagining myself in the situation you describe. There are many steps etc that are available, but I don’t see them as possible atm. I am thinking that I would have some kind of rule that time together in evenings, during the week has to be at my place. I have got several reasons why I would do this in my head – but would that make any sense to you at all?

If DD demands you come get her – say you will send a taxi? I would just put it in terms of during the working week I need to be home evenings but she is most welcome to come over.

Does her dad live with you? I think that was a brilliant thing to do. There has to be a way to involve someone else. As it stands you are isolated, cornered and very, very vulnerable. Is her dad open to being called into the situation if needed?

Couple of thoughts on this – it is par for the course for someone with BPD to rewrite the story to force the blame onto someone else – ie the ‘target of blame’ who in this case is you. Are you able to just let this go past you – or does it distress/anger you? Also does her dad believe her version of events?

I can understand your reluctance to call the police, given DD’s reaction. But – if her dad is willing – I would tell DD that when that sort of situation happens you will call her dad. You would need to follow through on this, because you need to break the situation of isolation that DD has you in now.

When I think about what I have written I feel that breaking the stranglehold of ‘only you will do’ is a priority.
Being isolated in the way that you are just strengthens a feeling of responsibility, that it is up to you to ‘fix it’, ‘make it better’ etc – and when it is just you and DD in the middle of this emotional hurricane, the pressure to ‘fix it’ just gets stronger and stronger. Dad coming into the situation can be a circuit breaker at the very least.

You know that it is up to her – and she won’t go. You say ‘I feel like I need to get help for her only she won't go.’ But I know this is little comfort when you are in the middle of the storm.

I am glad you are getting some support especially because it is another way to have someone else involved.

Thinking of you . . .