young adult daughter is abusive and unmotivated

[In4thewin]

My 18 year old daughter now has a formal diagnosis of BPD that has been 5 long years in the making. Although she graduated from high school this past spring, she is far from ready to attend college both socially and academically. She has no motivation to do anything for herself, and her behaviors have made it very difficult in recent years to make and/or keep friendships. She is also extremely disrespectful and will throw scary and vile tantrums which has made it impossible to keep her living at home. She will not take treatment seriously when she agrees to attend. About a month ago she was involuntarily committed to a psychiatric ward for a week after having an episode in her med prescriber's office.  Since she was discharged I've been paying for an Airbnb as I looked for and secured her an apartment of her own. I made the decision not to allow her to come back home after discharge because of her age and ongoing circumstances. She doesn't have a job and doesn't display much of a concern with getting one, and again, she generally has no personal motivation and no goals. She literally just lays around watching TV, scrolling the internet, and trying to find someone to form a romantic relationship with--- which never materializes. I don't know what to do from here. I know that I need to maintain firm boundaries but at this point I don't know what they should be where my home is concerned. I allowed her over the other day for dinner, and when it was time to take her back to the Airbnb she threw a tantrum and refused to leave. Screaming  at the top of her lungs, cursing, threats of self harm....the whole 9 yards. The same thing happened today when my mother took her to a job interview--- she wanted to come back to the house and hang out. From my perspective, this is very simple. When her abusive behavior is not longer an issue, she'll be welcomed into the house again. If the behavior doesn't change, why would I allow her in and welcome the chaos that always ensues? She doesn't even have her driver's license yet and she won't motivate to set up the driving lessons I'm happy to pay for as she literally lays around doing nothing but complain about how horrible her life is and blames me for all her problems. I don't know what is going to have to happen for her to wake up and finally take her issues seriously enough to seek the intensive outpatient treatment that's available, and actually do the work. I was hoping that this year after high school would be used to focus on her mental and behavioral health, but so far..... nothing. Any advice in this situation would be greatly appreciated. I want to help motivated her and support her in recovery, but I cannot enable or tolerate her behavior and lack of accountibility.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

Well I think you are doing well despite the circumstances. If your daughter is acting abusive, she’s not welcome in your home, because she makes your home life miserable. That boundary is essential.

I think not all is lost because your daughter finished high school. She has a brain. The problem is, emotionally she’s handicapped right now, because of untreated BPD. She’s probably operating at a young teen’s level. But she’s in an adult’s body, with an adult’s pocketbook, and adult situations that feel overwhelming to her. I bet she doesn’t really know who she is and what she wants to do with her life, and that’s both scary and depressing.

One piece of advice is that if your daughter is lying around doing nothing except for hating and waiting for months, an attempt to jump right into full-time college will be probably be setting her up to fail, and likely a waste of tuition, as well as a huge blow to her self esteem. It would be too much stress for her. I’d say that taking baby steps is better. For example, she could take an online class or two while getting therapy. That has a better chance of success. Only when she shows she can handle a routine, a little independence and a little stress do you consider enrolling her in a full-time college.

Another idea is to give her some motivation. I’d say, she’s an adult, and she should be responsible for some of her expenses. You could start with her phone. Make her pay for that luxury. Maybe then she’ll get out and do some work, such as dog walking or babysitting, anything. If she doesn’t want to do that, it’s her choice. At least then she might get some sleep because she won’t be able to doom-scroll all day and night. I don’t think you even have to tell her. Just take her off your plan. Or you could say, you don’t have enough money in your budget to pay for an apartment for her plus luxuries, and starting next month you’re not paying for her phone anymore. She might throw a fit, but she’s throwing them anyway. And as long as you don’t give in, she’ll learn eventually that throwing fits doesn’t work—it only get her pushed out of your house.

However, I’d advise to be on the lookout for an arms race. Your daughter may up the ante by progressing from tantrums to violence to suicide threats, gestures or attempts. I think that when she’s violent or threatening suicide, you need to call 911. She’ll be mad, but maybe she’ll go to the hospital and get some help that she needs. If you give into her demands when she’s violent or suicidal, that’s encouraging her to act that way even more, and she won’t get professional help.

[CC43]

Hi again,

I thought I'd share a bit of my story concerning my adult BPD stepdaughter, who spent about five years "waiting and hating," which sounds like what your daughter is starting to do.  Looking back, I think my stepdaughter was enabled to live this sort of purgatory, non-life for far too long.  She had to hit a profound, horrible bottom, two times, before she decided that therapy was the only thing that could turn her life around.  The good news is that she decided to commit herself to therapy, and she did turn her life around.  The somewhat bad news is that she suffered five long, lost years, and she wreaked havoc with her family.  She lost all of her friends.  She's still not talking to any of her siblings, or to her mom.  Thus, she still hasn't repaired relationships with her immediate family.  But she's not having meltdowns or suicide attempts like she was before.  And she's now on track, moving towards a semi-independent adult life.  The sad thing though is that she's "behind" around five years, and that surely has hit her self-esteem.

Why did she suffer for so long?  I think it was because of BPD, AND because her dad didn't enforce boundaries.  He enabled her to have her own apartments (even out of state), throw away semester after semester of tuition, use a bottomless debit card, go on spring breaks (even if she wasn't enrolled in college), order out on UberEats and spend money on marijuana.  The worse her behavior, the more luxuries and spending money she got!  Why would she ever change, if every time she threw a tantrum or threatened suicide, she got what she wanted?  Meanwhile, she made her dad work well past retirement age.  He was working a job, so that she didn't have to.  Though she'd try employment from time to time, she'd quit after a day or two, because she didn't like the boss or coworkers, or because the job was too stressful, or because she was too tired, or because she applied for the job without figuring out the commuting logistics first.  Instead of learning from mistakes, trying again and making an effort to find a better fit, her coping response was to quit and give up completely.  I bet that might sound familiar, right?  Meanwhile, doctors recommended various treatment programs for her, but she didn't want to participate, because she'd rather go on a trip or something.  Looking back, I think that her dad was a big part of the problem.  You see, he was stuck in a FOG (a state of Fear, Obligation and Guilt), which clouded his judgement.  He thought, he had to give whatever his daughter asked for, because if he didn't, she might kill herself!  He couldn't bear to see her suffer, even a little.  Her suffering became his suffering.  Even though her judgment was clouded and extremely immature, he allowed her to make all sorts of self-destructive decisions, which she couldn't have made but for his enablement.  Moreover, he is a typical "provider" parent, a "fixer," and perhaps not as nurturing or validating as his BPD daughter needed.  He thought, if he just set her up in the perfect apartments, and helped her finish school, and got her jobs, she'd figure things out and get past her issues.  Sadly, that doesn't work with BPD.  Nobody can change BPD behaviors but the person with BPD.  Worse, the longer he gave her everything she wanted, the more she blamed him (and her family) for all her troubles!  She'd simultaneously put out her hand for money/help and slap the hand that gave it to her.  And as she got older, her entitlement only increased, and her meanness and hatred intensified.  As she was bumping up against adulthood, she felt more and more confused, incompetent and scared.  Her peers were moving on--graduating, having romances, getting jobs, moving into their own apartments--and she was stuck in a childlike state.  She demanded parental support, while she resented getting it.  She seemed fixated on "punishing" her parents for causing all her troubles.

Meanwhile, my stepdaughter seemed to spend her days "waiting and hating."  I say waiting, because she wasn't doing anything, unless lying in bed watching TV and scrolling on her phone counts as doing something.  I say hating, because she'd send out horribly mean texts to her immediate and extended family, blaming them for a terrible childhood and for causing her various problems du jour.  Her storytelling was so twisted it seemed deranged.  At some points we thought she lost touch with reality, given her delusions and fears that various people were "out to get her."  I suspect that marijuana only exacerbated her delusions and paranoia.  She lost all of her friends.  She was kicked out of various rooming situations.  And yet, what she seemed to enjoy doing was to living in transition.  She'd say in January that she wanted to return to college in the fall, and yet she'd do nothing (productive) in the intervening months but wait for school to start.  She wanted summers "off," even if she wasn't in school to begin with.  She didn't want to attend therapy, lest it tie her schedule up for activities that she might want to do, if they materialized.  If she was at home with us, she'd be counting the days until her dad found her a new apartment, and she'd refuse to work, let alone help around the house.  She probably thought that devoting herself to TV watching and internet scrolling would be fun, but she wondered why she was so miserable.  Thus her thinking seemed to be a bit like a child's.  She'd hope that magical things would happen--a dream job appearing out of thin air, an invitation to a beach house, a prince in shining armor sweeping her off her feet, becoming an internet sensation, being "discovered" as a runway model--but she wouldn't actually do anything to make those magical things happen.  Hint:  nothing much happens when you're lying in bed all day and night.  Not only was she totally unrealistic, but she was lazy and/or clueless, and she was constantly disappointed, when she didn't get what she wanted.  She seemed incredibly entitled, and her expectations of others were sky-high, always setting her up for disappointment.  Since she couldn't tolerate disappointment, she'd throw a tantrum, followed by a retreat and isolation in her apartment.  There, she'd wrap up in her grievances and victimhood like a warm blanket.  She'd live in a chaotic mess, a reflection of her mental state.  She rarely bathed or exercised.  Does that sound about right?

[In4thewin]

Thank you all for your words of advice and insights. I know what I need to do in theory, but it's so difficult. Coming to terms with the reality of this disorder is heart breaking and scary. I don't know how far she'll go in her efforts to gain/regain an inappropriate/unhealthy level of control. I guess I just need to hold my ground regardless of what she throws at me and let the natural consequences take over.