Daughter cut me out of her life...She is very mean

[Sosondra]

Hi,

So my daughter was diagnosed with BPD. As you all probably understand it was hell...never knowing what to say, always walking on eggshells... she would scream at the top of her lungs saying just kill me...shoot me in the head...the cops were called to my house sooo many times..I had never had any incidents like that. She was hospitalized numerous times...I was going through a divorce and her father did not lift a finger to help me through what I call "The Dark Ages". Granted she had these issues before the divorce and he was always stand offish. I almost had a nervous breakdown several times..but we need to keep it together, don't we? Anyway..I helped her through thsi period...got her to a better place, she put in alot of work too.. Tried to mend her relationship with er Dad but suggesting she move out to live with him  to try to repair the rift. She want ed to move anyway and being near family was more comfortable for all. Anyway, she had a rescue dog who was so damaged and of course her mental health and screaming did not help the dog. Eventually she said she had to euthanize her because she was so damaged..I tried to find a place for the dog but realized it is not my dog so she had to make the decision. I had asked her several times if she was sure...She hated that..but being a mom, going through all the things i went through with her, I wanted her to be SURE. She asked me to stop asking her that. I did until the day of..She called me and said she had to give the dog tranquilizers and she was not sure she could do it... Mom mind kicked in and I said well are you sure.. Well that was the beginning of the end. she hung up on me, the next day she called me to tell me about all the things I had done wrong and I did say (and I regret) Because I was 3 minutes late for a meeting, that I should not have said that and I wanted to shot myself for saying that and I was sorry... She basically told me that all I think about is myself. Then she sent me numerous real nasty and mean text messages saying she has tried so hard to f***in accept me for who I am and she cant. I have done soo much for this kid..seriously. That was a year ago.. Fast forward to today: I send her text messages to say Hi and i love her, never hear back..sent her gifts for Birthday and christmas, nothing..I happened to find a picture of her when she was opening her first paycheck and thought I would send it to her. she replied with "I do not know what you want or were hoping from me. We have not spoken in over a year, except out of necessity. I could not be more clear that I do not want you in my life, please for the love of God stop messaging me Lest I block you." How does one not be so hurt and wondering what the heck I did to deserve that and why?  Thanks for listening!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

oh my goodness, my heart is pounding reading this!  this is almost verbatim what happened with my (daughter" pwBPD (though, your situation IS worse...my pwBPD is "mean" however, in a more passive way; I am in therapy (with a therapist who specializes in assisting parents of children with BPD!) and am taught, "we" should do something because we want to, not expecting "reciprocation: however, I cannot help it!  I am MAD and sad and confused and disappointed!  Like you, I did everything my pwBPD asked (horrible things, like hiding her knives, taking her pills (because she knew exactly how many it would take to ....; sleeping over, picking her up from the mental ward....fast forward, she told me I am enabling her & "your (my) constant interaction with her is delaying her "healing" and she will reach out when she is ready; like you, i only hear from her if she needs something, although, rarely she will reach out to say thank you (like you, I text her on bday, holidays & mail a card & gift cards) this has been 2 years...I have gone through pictures/cards, trying to figure out what happened!  unfortunately, I have no advice, other than to say, you are NOT alone...it is a vicious disease!  please feel free to reach out, if you like

[KBug]

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. BPD is horrible for the person with BPD and the people who love them. You're not alone. This website is full of people with similar stories. It's helped me a lot. I hope that you are able to get therapy. If you can, try to find someone who understands BPD.

Another option is Al-Anon groups. These groups can help people to protect themselves emotionally from the BPD storms. There I learned that I didn't cause the BPD, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. It's become a mantra for me when my daughter's storms pull me in and I start to get too caught up in what she's doing and going through. Big hugs!

[js friend]

Hi Sosondra,

My udd last referred to me as her mother over 5years ago. She would refer to me as "her, she" or by my first name.
I never took it seriously or let it bother me and just assumed that my udd was just being udd and trying to find another way to get under my skin, but now I see it differently. I think it was udd's  passive aggressive way of detaching from me as her mother and all that it comes with it and  the actual process of detachment in udd's mind began a whole year before the final estrangement.

I know that this is difficult to hear right now, but see this as a time to  love yourself and to put own needs first. I know that I neglected my needs both physically and emotionally for many many years  about focusing on my udd and trying every which way I could to her with very little success.. Therapy is a good place to start and I wish I had tried it when this estrangement began. My gp also offers talking therapy service that offer help for depression and anxiety related issues but as you can imagine the waiting list is very long. I found getting out and about on very long walks with my own thoughts helped too before I could truly be around people again.

I have learnt to detach with love when it comes to my udd. It hasnt been easy but It is a process and it takes time to achieve but I know that I have done my best and that I can still love my udd from afar. Sometimes I wonder if by her not having me around and if she is happier and more stable. I can only hope she is as I have 3gc. Im sure she would say that she is but realise that I may  truly never know.

[js friend]

*to help her*