What next?

[MumGivingUp]

My daughter is in her mid 30s. Her poor mental health has plagued her since her late teens, if not before.

She has been hospitalised more than once. She has suicidal urges and breakdowns which result in trips to A+E. She is on various medications for her mental health and physical health.

This makes it very hard for anyone to see her as a partner or friend because everyone around her is pushed into a caring role.

She cannot hold down a job. Her last job she was absent nearly half the time due to various physical and mental ailments. We support her in ensuring she isn't dismissed illegally, but the overwhelming reality is that even as her parents, we would not find her to be a beneficial employee. She becomes a financial and logistical burden to her employer because they have to replace her with temporary staff so often.

She will attend social events and holidays and restaurants, but refuses to take public transport to work and won't work anywhere she cannot easily drive to and park for free. So even when she finds a job that will take her, unless she can drive and park there, she will constantly be late or absent.

Driving there across the city is impractical, slow and causes lateness. She won't leave earlier because she needs sleep; her medication makes her drowsy and fatigue causes a mental health crisis.

After a few months of absolute turmoil where she's lost her job and her boyfriend, I am seeing that she is unlikely to ever have a career or a healthy long term relationship.

We got her on the property ladder so she lives alone in her own place. Having this place means she isn't able to get all the benefits she could get if she was renting off of the council. She would need to deplete her savings and not own a home to get full welfare from the state. So everything we have set up for her as our child will need to be spent and then when it's all gone, she could claim housing benefit and things for a place from the council.

Could we support her financially? Yes. But is that fair to other children and grandchildren? No. She's already had thousands more off of us than they ever will.

We have been kidding ourselves and keeping our head in the sand. She is never going to lead an independent life and we have done wrong by her making her think she could. We should have set her up in supported accommodation because now, it has become painfully obvious that pretending she could live like her peers has set her up for failure. It's a facade and one we have concealed as a family as best we could for too many years.

I can't help feeling embarrassed by it all and that makes me feel like an even worse parent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi MumGivingUp
Thanks for your post. There are so many aspects to the journey with a loved child who has BPD.  I was struck by your sentences:

We have been kidding ourselves and keeping our head in the sand. She is never going to lead an independent life and we have done wrong by her making her think she could.

It took me back to my journey with DD. I remember frantically trying to find answers, trying to support any small initiative to help her be independent. To be honest it was coming here that stopped me in my tracks – if all these people have tried all these things, am I pushing a barrow up a hill that I can never get to the top of?

I think you are being hard on yourself for a number of reasons. The first is that BPD is such a complex illness. Individuals can go through really tough times – and things can settle especially when they are in their 30s. How do we know whether or not this is going to happen?

BPD is not like other conditions in that individuals swing in and out of being competent, coping and then woosh – off into deep emotional turmoil. We are constantly challenged to work out in our minds whether things are going to settle or not.

It is good that you can see the effect of meds etc and the complexities that challenge your DD in developing ‘normal’ independence.

My DD comes and goes – but this is her base. I am getting on and my mind terns towards when I am gone. For me a life interest in a place on her own with some financial support is going to be necessary. There is the public system for sure, but my DD just does not cope with dealing with bureaucracies. I will need to set up a trust.

Even so I know my DD will struggle to just manage a small unit.

Is it fair? That’s another question for sure. I’ve been thinking about this question a good deal since reading your post.

We do think of ‘fairness’ regarding different things – and distribution of assets/money is usually high on a list of what should be distributed fairly. That seems pretty reasonable.
Does it depend though on a what they call a ‘level playing field’ – ie that each person has the same starting point, the same opportunities etc.

Any mental illness is a genuine disability – and the obstacles to being able to live a ‘normal’ life are often significant. Those without the disability usually have few barriers to meaningful employment, personal relationships, a family of their own etc etc. Life can be full and fulfilling.

This is often not the case for those with mental health issues. Life is often a struggle with day-to-day challenges just to keep going.

So that set me wondering whether more financial support given to a child who has a disability of some kind is  ‘unfair’ or does the extra support just make it a more even playing field?

I think it’s something I will continue to toss around in my thoughts for a while before concluding one way or other.