Choosing Divorce Lawyer - Need Recomendations

[RubyMoon]

 

I am in a 10 year relationship and it feels like it is finally coming to an end. My husband is no longer willing to see our couples counselor and our/my counselor is suggesting that I contact a divorce lawyer who specializes in high conflict divorces. The counselor suspects that my husband has BPD after his anger outburst in sessions and their evaluation on how he frames things that happen in his life and towards me.

I recently finished "I hate  you, don't leave me" and "stop walking on eggshells" and I can say I have never finished 2 books faster. I feel like I a weight has been lifted off of me and I finally have clarity on what is going on. I used to feel so lost and mentally crazy, (a couldn't string together the conversation after my husband picking an argument with me) especially after my husband would then flipping the emotional switch of loving me again. I genuinely felt like I was the worst person in the world and sought so much self-help with books, personal counselors, therapists, doctors, and friends/ families and they kept telling me that upsets happen in relationships, but the reactions from him and the intensity didn't match the things that I had done.

Anyway, after reading "I hate  you, don't leave me" and "stop walking on eggshells", I can clearly see the patterns in his emotions. Him hating me one moment, me giving him space now (instead of trying to fix and apologize for everything just to get emotion calm again) , and then him wanting to reconnect and say how he loves me. Now that I see the behaviors/patterns and my anxiety is almost gone. But, the emotional roller coaster with him continues.

He threatens divorce when he is in the moments of "I hate you". When I follow up with him later saying, " hey, I hear the pain you are in and that you say I am causing you in this relationship. If you want a divorce, no problem. I want your well-being as much as my own,". I watch him turn almost into a young child in his response and feeling of hurt saying, "No... I don't want a divorce".

Anyway, as much as I want to work on our marriage, I want to be prepared if he pulls the trigger on getting divorced as he has said, "I will make sure you die poor" if I ask for anything from the marriage. It is better if he asks for the divorce instead of me initiating it as then, from what I read about BPD, he won't feel I am abandoning him. Which, I have seen him in action when he starts retaliating against people he feels have wronged/abandon him, he is ruthless and thorough with "making them pay".

I feel like I have finally waken up from a daze and now can see everything clearly. I should have left long ago instead of trying to "rescue" him and happy him up when he was having these deep feelings of anxiety and depression. I though I could be there for him as a partner. And as resilient as I am trying to be, I am, also trying to look at things more realistically with how things are. I never thought I would be the target of his anger. I am still shoked it took me reading a book on BPD to wake up, but here I am.

Its also scary to hear him give divorce advice to his friends, he tells them they are being too nice to their ex-wives and then advises them on what to do to get more.

Anyway, He is super smart, and well connected in the lawyer community where we live. I need lawyer recommendations for lawyers who are well versed in dealing with high conflict divorces and BPD.



Thank you humbly in advanced, I never thought I would be in this situation.

[ForeverDad]

It has been said here many times that it doesn't really make a difference whether you are the plaintiff or the defendant, the outcome ought to be similar.  Court is there to (1) surprisingly ignore much of the discord and conflict as mere bickering unless something borders on being legally "actionable" (2) referee the end of the adult relationship even if only one person wants to divorce and (3) set orders (boundaries) to limit poor behavior and if there are children, then to address custody and parenting schedule matters.

Me?  I knew either way my then-spouse would fight tooth and nail whichever of us filed.  But I felt better that I was the plaintiff, though during the entire divorce my temp order remained unchanged with her as the parent with custody and me as the alternate weekend parent.  What really helped was that I had a good lawyer and an excellent Custody Evaluator.  They never tried to change the temp order - which spanned a two year divorce - but I did exit the divorce in a better parenting position.

Have you read William Eddy's insightful Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Be prepared that many of the professionals, including lawyers, will disclaim to make a comment about possible mental health dysfunctions.  (My lawyer knew I spoke of "acting-out personality disorders" but always limited himself to saying, at most, she was bats**t crazy.)  Yes, you've lived with your spouse for a decade but in their minds that does not make you a trained expert, especially not in the legal minefield of domestic court.  Even court will disclaim to know anything about either of you and try to approach the case willing to discount much of the conflict you've experienced, though it definitely helps to have much of the worst conflict documented with dates and details.  It has been commented that court does not try to "fix" the litigants and just deals with the documentation and evidence, so it is a wisdom to follow it's pattern.  Sigh.  Don't be too discouraged that your outrageous treatment is mostly ignored.

It is best not to mention PDs to your spouse or what your counselor or lawyer share with you.  Eddy's inexpensive Splitting handbook advises you to consult multiple family attorneys to ensure you get one who is truly experienced.  Any lawyer can file forms and metaphorically hold your hand but you need more.  You need one you can work with as a team, one who has trial experience and has an array of strategies for your situation.  (It has been remarked here that an added benefit of you seeking multiple private and confidential consultations is that your spouse can't hire any lawyers whom you have interviewed.)

Probably smart to not "show your cards" by avoiding use of any shared accounts when ordering books such as Splitting or consulting lawyers.  Another nugget of practical wisdom is the difference between seeking to repair a relationship versus exiting one.  If you seek to repair a relationship, as you did in counseling, you do share information since you're trying to rebuild trust.  But once you determine you may need to end the relationship, then you limit what you share.  You definitely do not reveal the strategies recommended to you nor "give fair warning" of your plans.  (Court does not care one iota how "fair" you are or are not, just don't be nasty.)  What you do share is necessary financial information and parental matters if you have children.  Your lawyer (and we here too) will advise how much is needed and which impulses can be sabotaging to you.  I recall my lawyer stating his first task was to sit on his clients to stop them from talking too much and making his job more difficult.

[ForeverDad]

Another thought is that it is okay to ask a lawyer for references to other lawyers more fitted to handle your sort of divorce.  Lawyers know they won't get every person who walks in the door as a client.

Initial interviews or consultations may be free or at an hourly quote.  Listen to how each suggest strategies to ensure you are protected as much as possible.

Something virtually all here experienced is that the stbEx tried to discourage our members, insisting they would lose the home, lose the kids, lose everything, be ruined in the community, etc.  Our outcomes were almost always never as bad as the ex insisted.  Believe your lawyer's legal advice over the ex's entitled claims.

[EyesUp]

In addition to ForeverDad's good advice, I'll offer this:

If your H is connected in your local legal community, any public or semi-public divorce proceeding will likely kick whatever behavioral issues he may have into hyperdrive, especially if narcissistic aspects are part of his MO. 

If you H is an atty, you may need to take extra precautions to identify representation where no conflict of interest is present.

i.e., If you live in a smaller community, finding an atty who doesn't have a conflict of interest due to a prior or existing relationship with your H may be a challenge.

Your H may be motivated to settle to keep things quiet. Or, he may be extra activated and want to put on a show. You know him best. Apparently, local judges and attys also know him to some degree - perhaps this can work to your advantage?

As FD said, you'll need to be discrete. Get a separate secure email (Proton Mail is a good option) and Google Voice number - don't make any calls to attys or other resources on a line that's connected to a shared phone bill.  Assume your H knows all the tricks...  If you have iPhones that are connected, it's safe to assume that your H knows your location ("Find My" etc). If you share bank and credit cards, your H will likely spot any unusual fees. If your H has access to your phone, he may also keep an eye on messages, etc.  Consider turning off notifications and carefully consider communicating via browser on a separate secure device - An old smartphone with secure email, Google Voice, etc., on wifi may be a good way to avoid being snooped on - find one and keep it secret.

One tip I received from an atty friend:  Buy pre-paid credit cards at the grocery store. Purchasing the CC will blend in with the grocery bill, and then you can use the pre-paid card anonymously as needed.

The books FD mentioned are an invaluable primer. If you're concerned about your H spotting the books in the home, consider reading on an app like Kindle or Everand, and doing this with a new/secure account on the "secret" device - so that your H doesn't find your reading history.  These resources have an audio feature, so you can listen in the car if that's more convenient.

When I went through this, I used an app called Evernote to keep a concise journal. Reviewing those notes helped me to organize my thoughts, and to gain conviction about what I needed to do. I also had a chronological reference to answer my atty's questions. 

In my case, I was able to settle at the courthouse steps on the day of the first pre-trial hearing. The journal enabled me to quickly prepare information for my atty for discovery, interrogatories, and for a trial that fortunately never happened... 

Take care, and let us know how we can best support you.

[Gerda]

Legally it doesn't matter who files for divorce, as far as issues like child custody and dividing the property goes.

But personally I think it's better to be the one who files, because you don't want to be caught by surprise. My husband did a lot of the same things yours does - saying he wants a divorce every time he gets mad, but then if I said something like, "Ok then maybe we should," he'd immediately freak out and say he doesn't want one.

He also threatened to kick me out of the house in a few of his rages, and if you file for divorce you can get a restraining order to make the other spouse vacate the home. I didn't want to end up kicked out of the house with nowhere to say. I also didn't want to leave our young daughter with him.

My husband liked to compare me to an employee (he's a manager and he'd talk about divorcing me comparing it to having an employee he's considering whether or not to fire), so what do you do if you are in a job and you suspect your boss is considering firing you? You don't wait until he actually does, right? You start preparing, saving money and updating your resume.

It's definitely a good idea to at least look for an attorney so you'll be ready in case he files, but you say that it would be better if he files because then he'd feel less abandoned - don't count on that. People with BPD are very good at blaming other people, even for things that are clearly their fault. He could come up with some convoluted explanation in his mind about how you made him divorce you somehow.

Besides, do you even want to stay with someone just because you are afraid of what he'll do to you in retaliation if you leave?

Just some things to consider.

[GaGrl]

You mentioned a tent year relationship, but how long is the marriage? Do you have children?

Ten years of marriage is the marker for you to be able to file for Social Security at the time of retirement based on your husband's earnings, rather than on yours.  Being divorced doesn't matter -- just that you had a tent year marriage.  One-half of his SSA benefits might be more than your full benefit. (My husband's ex-wife draws based on his benefits for this reason.)

Interviewing multiple lawyers can't be over-emphasized. If you interview six lawyers, that's one you hire and five that he cannot hire. With each, describe his behaviors and ask what their strategy would be if he did A, B, or C.