What it’s like

[EmptySoul]

This site says
Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship support
At the top.  Nowhere does it say “this site excludes anyone who has BPD themselves”.  We have to go in here to see how much the site’s administrators sadly don’t have the guts to say this out loud but let you figure it out that family excludes you who has BPD.  As if if you have BPD that you are less than a human.  I’ll be on here all day every day to point out how it does feel to have it and know that it isn’t a family dynamic character flaw:  it’s truly inevitably 100% something awry with the wiring in our brains.  We feel for every person out there more than you could ever know.  So no it is not fun or a choice to be like we are.  Yes we are lucky to struggle with the disorder, as if you could handle it if the cards were dealt to you!  Would like to see you try. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Emptysoul
I have been coming to the site for many years now and I have read posts by people who have BPD. But you are right in that most posts are made by people who have someone with BPD in their lives. You are also correct when you say I have no idea what it is like to have BPD.

I only get glimpses of what it is like from my DD. There was one time when she got angry because she wasn't getting attention. I said to her afterwards 'Do you get angry when you don't get attention?'

Her answer was an insight for me 'It makes me want to die'.

I have read lots of explanations - but no I can't know what it is like.

I can see my DD's pain, her attempts to manage her emotions, her need to blame me for everything - even if she trips over a shoe she has left somewhere or something like that. It is an emotional rollercoaster ride for my DD - and it is also one for me.

We can't understand, but when I read the posts here what I mostly see is so much love. People trying to do the best to help their child with BPD.

I have been by my DD's side through everything - but I am the one person she won't let help her. It is very painful.

So I think there are two things here - one is the pain of the person with BPD and the other is the pain of the person who loves them.

Thank you for posting. It is important to keep in our minds what someone with BPD has to live with day in and day out.

[CC43]

I think that most of the family members on these boards do struggle with BPD, not because they have it, but because a loved one struggles with it. I bet most of us don’t enjoy seeing a loved one suffer so much. I am certain that I do not. Though I do not experience BOD directly, I am however blamed for it quite frequently. I also hear about what it’s like. Does sound familiar:

I want to die. My life is over. I can’t take this anymore. It’s hopeless. I hate you. I hate living like this. I don’t feel anything anymore. I can never be happy. I’ll never find love. I don’t know who I am anymore. Leave me alone. I don’t know if I’ll be around much longer. It’s hopeless. I can’t do this. It’s all your fault. You abuse me. You have no idea what it’s like. Everyone bullies me. You need to suffer for all the horrible things you’ve done to me. I’m not violent but if you ever talk to me again, you’ll pay for it. You owe me for everything you did to me. I’m an adult, I can do whatever I want. I don’t care. Everyone else has it so easy. It’s not fair. Why can’t I just be happy?  You don’t understand. You don’t listen to anything I say. It’s your fault. I want to move somewhere else. I want a new car. I want plastic surgery, I can’t live looking like this anymore. I need more money now. You are awful. You should be euthanized. You are a condescending, disrespectful, deceitful, heinous, psychopathic, racist, worthless, lazy loser, I hate you. If you don’t send money you’ll be sorry. I wish I were never born. It’s your fault, I never chose to be born. Go away. I’m so tired of therapy, nothing helps. I’m sick of talking about it. I don’t want to do this anymore.

So yeah, I’m listening.  I’m not perfect, nobody is. I try to help but I’m probably unsuccessful most of the time. I’m hurting too, because the loved one in my life tried to kill herself multiple times. Worse, she refused to get help, she said because it was her family’s fault. And that’s why I come to this site, to help process the pain of nearly losing somebody, being held responsible and yet having little power to help. I think I have a glimpse of the pain and frustration of BPD because I feel its effects on a daily basis, and I’m often blamed for ruining someone else’s life. I feel attacked and constantly on edge, walking on eggshells. I think many people on this site feel something like that:  despondent, shell-shocked, blamed, alienated, fearful. We ask, how can we form a better relationship, communicate better, cope with the distress and dysfunction?

[Notwendy]

There is a lot to read on this site and if you didn't see the mission statement, it's understandable that  you are feeling excluded. However, it does say here (https://bpdfamily.com/about) that this site is an online support group for the family members of individuals who have Borderline personality disorder (BPD).

It may help you to know that all the posters here, including the administrators are lay people. You are correct that we don't have the experience of having BPD, however, most of us here are related to someone with BPD that we care about. The best we can do is offer peer support to others who have a similar experience

I think your post and the posts after are examples of how each person is feeling- hurt by their situations. When we are feeling hurt ourselves, it may help to hear the experiences of other people in similar situations. However, when other people who don't share a similar one share their feelings, it may not feel as helpful. 

As lay people, we are limited to sharing our own personal experiences. We aren't in a position to offer professional advice, not even to each other. Because of this, many posters here also seek out help beyond this board- such as therapist and other websites as well.

One thing I do know for certain is that every person here is here because they care about someone with BPD and would be happy to see their family member with BPD seek out support that they feel is helpful to them. It is good that you are doing that. I have seen this resource recommended for families and also for pwBPD. Perhaps you will find it to be helpful to you too.  https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/