another update

[In4thewin]

Well.... She's all moved in. After speaking with my own therapist, I decided to make attending an online IOP mandatory in order for me to pay even the first internet bill. I was told that making it mandatory, all circumstances considered, couldn't be a bad thing as in her experience experience working with people who have entered therapy "under duress", such as by court order---or a parent's requirement--- many times a person starts the therapeutic process very reluctantly but find value in it as the process continues. That made some sense to me, so I'm proceeding cautiously optimistically.

 My daughter did end up calling the IOP program. She setting up the intake interview and went through with it. She did not opt to add-on the optional one hour a week "family therapy" session initially, which I'm fine with and told that I should be OK with. She said that she wants the opportunity to work on herself before bringing me into the mix. This makes me sad, but I get it. My daughter has felt and expressed for a long time (not in a nice way) that she feels like I get therapists "on my side" and make her look bad without taking accountability for anything I've put her through--- which presumably is the cause of all her struggles. I really don't see it that way, but I can't deny that I'm part of the allover BPD recipe. It's like BPD is a chocolate chip cookie and I'm the egg, or sugar, or the chips, etc. The cookie couldn't be the cookie without me. So..... at this point I'm All-In as far as looking inward and making changes I need to make that will hopefully benefit both of us, as uncomfortable as those may be. It's going to be very difficult for me to not.

I have read enough on this site to see the patterns that others have gotten themselves into--- ones that if not broken will continue to BPD behaviors. Enabling seems to be the biggest problem. This behavioral illness is truly ugly, and I think we as parents all secretly carry regrets and memories of our own missteps that we KNOW is part of the creation of the cookie.... which is why when faced with the cookie, we go into FOG mode. I'm choosing at this point to work on myself and more or less leave my daughter alone. I'm going to try to not even think about if she's cleaning the bathtub, or if she has something that I think someone "needs" in a kitchen, for instance. I will (hopefully) not call or text her, or somehow find a way to insert myself in her life. This is going to be VERY hard for me--- too hard, which is why I can't deny the role I play in the progression of the issue.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders