No end to this cycle

[Always on Edge]

Hello.
Doing something like this is new for me and I am sure true for many others. I am generally an independent person and tend to handle my issue by myself. I rarely discuss personal matters with friends as my upbringing has taught me they are my personal matters and not for general discussion.
Due to a significant increase in frequency of confrontations with my spouse I started therapy. (Once a week although it feels like I could do it everyday). That’s  when I first heard about BPD. In addition to BPD there is an element of NPD and HCPD.
I am married 46 years. These conflicts have occurred through out my marriage now that I think about it. They were infrequent at first. Maybe every 6 months or less perhaps. Maybe I just don’t recall. However of late these are occurring every month and now every other day.
With the increase in frequency the duration is more variable. Hours to days.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I dont know what expect each time I say something. Many times I just listen and don’t respond. If I do respond the topic is redirected to another issue or person. I have subsequently learned logic is not a response
Now that I have some understanding of the condition I suspect the latest cycle of outburst is related to my son and family moving in with us due to the recent fires. I suspect, right or wrong this took me away from her, so to speak as we were helping them many many hours a day. That together with other trigger issue like fatigue and disagreeing or using words that she finds upsetting ( eg “I mentioned before……”)that set off this last conflict.
At first it was my fault in that we did too much to help. Then it was their fault that they were ungrateful ( which maybe true to some extent). Now what ever they do is the wrong thing. Such as they went for dinner but did not invite us. Or they went for a walk and did not ask us to come with. Or they went to the store and did not call to see what we needed. After all “ I would have done that”. This behavior is regarded as disgraceful and despicable and therefore we will do nothing for them in the future. It is my fault because I did not stand up for her, call them to ask we they did not invite, include etc us in their plans.
And naturally when I suggest she calls invariable she says she won’t. Then she is the bad one.
This is the current theme and goes round and round and round. This last conflict has now lasted 2 days and still going.
Like many other spouse dealing with this I could relate hundreds of hours of stories.
The ultimate theme is I don’t have her back, I don’t stand up for her, Nobody asked me. Nobody told me. I did not get her approval or opinion to do or say something.
I apologizes if this a bit rambling.
In short I no longer know how or if to respond or what to do. I am so tired.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

A model that helped me to understand the dynamics at home with my BPD mother is the Karpman triangle. BPD mother's  (and I think most pwBPD) perspective is Victim. My father's role with her was Rescuer. The Rescuer- Victim bond is a way to bond together- as two people aligned against a common "Percecutor" are not engaged in issues with each other at the time.

To maintain these roles, there needs to be a Persecutor, which can be filled by different people or situations and also other family members.

I think you are correct that having your son and wife move in with you changed the dynamics at home. I assume it was just the two of you.

It doesn't make sense that your attention to your child in this time of need would be seen as a negative for your wife, but to her, your attention is now, some of the time,  on another person. Also, having people in the house is a change in her environment. One thing I noticed with my BPD mother is during certain times, her BPD behavior increased. These behaviors are coping mechanisms for uncomfortable emotions and so it makes sense that changes in situations would result in them increasing.

But your wife doesn't perceive her feelings as being from her. She projects them and at the moment, she perceives your son and his wife as the "reason" - (they aren't but she perceives them this way). You, as Rescuer, are expected to fix this discomfort for her (we can't fix someone else's feelings but that isn't how she sees it). Your son and his wife are not doing anything wrong- they don't have to do anything wrong for her to project her feelings and perceive them as doing something wrong. This goes round and round because, it's not logical, it's her feelings, so logical discussions don't address feelings.

When you reply with logic "the lost their home" or "it's only for a short while"- this feels invalidating to her. Or she feels shame that you think she's wrong to not let you help your son. Discussions may escalate her behaviors. This is why she feels you don't have her back.

There are tools such as SET and don't JADE on this board that will help you to learn to manage your responses to her.

As to your son. One reason they may have done to dinner and didn't invite the two of you may be to give the two of you some space and private time- not because they are being rude. They may have picked up on the tension. It's not their fault their home was damaged and while they appreciate the help- they may also feel they are imposing. How you manage this is important- you want to maintain your relationship with your son and yes, it is a challenge to maintain your relationship with your wife as well.

One idea is to have more private time with her. Take her out to dinner. Make plans with just her. Make sure your son doesn't feel you are avoiding them or resenting them. Just say "we are going to have a dinner date together". He will understand that.