Adult daughter ripped grandson out of our home

[Txhurting]

This is my first post. My daughter has all the BPD traits but not been diagnosed. I have seen the traits now for the past couple years and started studying up on this. She had my only grandson 10 years ago and since he was born he has lived with me consistently. We have never been apart more than a few days his whole life. My daughter has lived with us and then moved out to live with her boyfriend and then moved back in 2023 despite my hesitation. Thing about her BPD she is mostly abusive in text. She will not talk face to face often. She has not been able to keep a job or relationship her whole adult life and has no friends. I have allowed her abuse to me to protect my grandson so she would not try to make him leave. He is mostly not happy with his mom and he and I are very close. After breaking up with her BF of 6 years she started to get depressed. With him gone I was her new target. I have wanted to tell her along time that I think she has BPD but did not know how. She has never been good with receiving any kind advice from me. Another thing is her extreme paranoia. She had cameras in her 2 rooms she occupied here and I recently learned she had a hidden one in my grandsons room. There was an incident that caused a trigger in her on Feb 20th when she found an obscene text on my grandsons phone he did not know was there and never saw. She was victim shaming him and he was scared and crying. So I went to comfort him asking whats wrong and she turned blame on me. But she ended up taking all my grandsons online devices. That night when I was tucking him in he was crying and begging me to kick her out. This was not a new request from him but it was the first time I told him I would when I got back from my work trip. I did not know she had a camera in his room and listening. So she set out a plan to leave and take him with her. Her fear of him abandoning her coming through. She forced him out of his home and now isolating him and blocked me on his phone and hers and she took him off his soccer team and last week withdrew him from school to do homeschool. Even though he has a full time job during day. Its been 2 weeks since I have seen or talked to him and its killing me. I have gotten a lawyer and taking her to court to get custody of him until she get psychiatric care and help and find a way to manage this condition. I have a court date on April 4th for temporary orders hearing. Thats another 18 days without talking to my grandson. I cry everyday now. Im so scared for him and what he is going through. I wonder if anyone has any similar story or advice. Like I said he lived with me as primary caregiver his entire life and she just took him from everything he knew and loved. I need to see him and talk to him but I don’t know how I can. He is the sweetest boy and to this point has not had any trauma but she is now creating serious trauma for him. Her trauma is from her dad who I divorced when she was 7. But she has been saying now I was abusive b/c I did not safely love her. I am hopeful that in this group I can find others who have gone through this to. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hello!  I am so very sorry to read your story!  Sadly, I don't have much by the way of advice, (short story...) my granddaughter's mother was diagnosed with BPD; my son is not involved with her, so...I do not have much "legal leg" to stand on when it comes to granddaughter, that being said, every few months or so, pwBPD will cut me off (or her own mother) and we are not permitted to see the (there are 3 grandchildren all together, I am only BLOOD related to one) kids; this has gone on for 8 years....for many of the years I cried and got very depressed; fast forward....I just sit it out & wait for her to come back around (so frustrating and the kids feel the brunt) so....your situation seems worse, as your grandson lived with you....it sounds like you are on the right, legal, track....I very much hope it works out for you and quickly...you seem like an awesome grandma (or whatever your grandson calls you (I am Gemma!) in the meantime, I suggest keeping busy with whatever you enjoy doing!  Feel free to reach out, if you like...

[Txhurting]

Hi BPD stinks,
Thank you for the reply. I am so sorry your going through what you are. To only get to see the grandkids based on her mood elevations is really only hurting the children more then anyone. I can't understand why this generation of adult parents think this behavior is acceptable. Children who have loving active grandparents in their lives are so much happier then those who don't have them. This disorder is by far the worst one ever. I have never been so hurt by someone in my life and never thought that someone who did hurt me would be my daughter. I really hope we can get him back home. If we do get him back I would still never do everything that she has done to me and not allow him to see her or talk to her. But she has to get some help first and learn how to manage this better or at least to know not to drag her only son into this hell that she lives in. There is a very high risk that a child with a BPD parent that suffers trauma by the hands of that parent will grow up to have the same condition. That is why I am fighting for him, not only because I love him and want him in my life but it is not about me. Really as long as I knew he was happy and protected then I would accept him living with his mom and me getting to play the traditional grandparent role with visits, etc. But I can't trust she is not messing him up mentally and I can't let it happen without a fight.  I think that any grandparents out there who have a child with BPD should just automatically file to have their grandparents rights so the  adult child can't use their grandchildren as a pawn to cause them unbelievable pain. I am sure your grandkids know that you love them and that their mother is the one preventing so much. Do you talk to them about how they are feeling when you do get to see them or is she right there with them the whole time?

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  the longest my granddaughter's mother "kept" kids from me was in October 2025 (that made me very sad, because we missed all of the Halloween activities) for 10 days (this prompted me to find a therapist who deals with families of people with BPD...very helpful) since that time, i asked her to PLEASE refrain from doing that (she just blocked me yesterday, so, apparently, that did not last (this time, it was b/c she wanted money....I did not have, so....that was that (I, again, stress this person is of ZERO relation to me) (the ONLY reason I have ANYthing to do with her is b/c of the kids) to answer your question....she is rarely with me and the kids at the same time (I know I am her free babysitter) she has NEVER taken them to (example) Santa, etc.  it is always me and her mom (aside from their respective dads); the thing that stumps me (and I DO understand it is a mental illness) how many things can I (or her mom, my husband, etc.) do FOR her and than be "cut off"; many years ago, I would try to contact her, cry/beg to see the kids...it was 2 years ago (after many conversations with HER mom) I decided to just wait it out (it is hard...my oldest granddaughter is 9 and just a lost soul, in my opinion); a lot of my friends do the "not my circus, not my monkey" addage; I knew long ago I am setting myself up for "pain" yet, I will continue to do all i can FOR those kids...I think it is a selfish thing to do!  I will pray for you!

[CC43]

Hi Hurting,

Your story will resonate with many parents of adult children with BPD traits on this site.  Dealing with BPD in the family is hard enough, but it seems especially cruel when innocent children are involved.  Though your daughter probably loves her child, when she's dysregulated--which can be frequently if she's not getting therapy--her emotions take over, and she can't handle herself, let alone consider what's best for her child.  When under severe stress, people with BPD can experience temporary bouts of paranoia and delusions, which can lead to even more erratic behavior.  If you spend any time on these boards, you'll see that using grandchildren as pawns is, sadly, a common tactic.  It's also fairly common for BPD daughters to RESENT parents for all the help and support they provide, as if, in their disordered thinking, you MADE them too dependent on you and therefore it's all your fault.

I can't take any credit for this idea, but one piece of advice is to frame any care you provide to your grandchild as giving your daughter a needed break.  That way, you put her and her needs first.  Ostensibly, your help isn't about the child (which might make your daughter jealous or spiteful), and it's not about your love or your needs, either, because any hint of your needs or emotions could trigger a meltdown.  I understand that things are more complicated if your daughter is living with you.  That must be really tough, because there's less room for her to have an "adult time out" when she's dysregulated.  In my experience with an adult stepdaughter with BPD, the best solution for a meltdown is an adult time out, and I'm sure I don't interrupt it.  She decides when she wants to re-engage, not me or her dad.

As for telling your daughter she has BPD, I'd advise against that.  You can't force her get therapy--she has to decide that for herself.  And to imply that your daughter isn't well would likely unleash more rage; in her mind, you are responsible for all her woes, and if you imply she's ill, she'll say you're evil.  Even if your assessment is 100% accurate, nobody likes to feel judged negatively by someone else, least of all someone with low self-confidence, self-hatred and a poor sense of identity, which I imagine is how your daughter feels right now.  She'd probably accuse YOU of being the psycho, not her.

Nevertheless, my husband did manage to convince his BPD daughter (my stepdaughter) to get therapy.  I think the approach was important--broaching the topic only when she was in a calm state.  At one point, it was framed to her as giving therapy a chance.  She was miserable, and she was desperate to end her misery, so wasn't therapy worth a try, even if there were only a slight chance of feeling a little better?  Moreover, my stepdaughter seemed to like the notion of getting help from professionals.  You see, everything we tried didn't seem to help her, but we weren't experts.  She was in full victim mode, and I think she liked the idea that she needed professionals to help her sort through all the purported "abuse" she sustained growing up.  In a way, her skewed view of the world was validated by getting professional therapy.  In addition, I think she liked the appeal to her being an adult (she was obsessed with feeling childish), and as adults, we have the responsibility of taking care of ourselves, mentally and physically.  There were hints of compassion, too:  it's completely normal to experience rough patches in life, especially in the 20s (or as a single mom), and everyone needs some extra help from time to time.  If you look at all the ads on TV, it seems that most people take some sort of medication or get therapy at one point or another, because it's normal, and it can really help.  And finally, since her dad was providing all the support, he eventually gave her an ultimatum:  either she get therapy, or she'd be on her own.  It was entirely her choice, and we'd respect her decision.  But I think she knew, if she were on her own, she'd quickly be dead.  So she opted for therapy, and she was committed to it.  The fantastic news is that she turned her life around, and she has progressed significantly.  If you met her casually, you wouldn't even know she had BPD.  However, I admit that the dynamic with my stepdaughter was probably simpler than your case, because my stepdaughter didn't have a child, and she got help at a younger age.  In addition, though she did live with us for an extended period, she tried to live independently several times.  In trying (and failing) to live independently, deep down she couldn't continue to blame her family for her problems.  I think she had to try to be independent to realize that she was the one causing her problems--even if she didn't ever admit that out loud.  I speculate that if she had always lived with us, she probably wouldn't have come to that realization, as it would have been too easy to continue to blame us for all her problems.  And I wonder if that's where you are right now.

[js friend]

Hi Txhurting,

Unfortunately Iam in the same position. I have been estranged from my gc for the last 4years. I have 3 gc from my udd. The last one gc has been born during this estrangement and we have never met.

I was there during my 2 gc's births and looked after them on a regular basis and I was there when udd felt the need to drop them off when udd said she felt too tired to look after them. I miss them and still have their toys and some of their clothes here even though I know that they have grown out of them.

Really as long as I knew he was happy and protected then I would accept him living with his mom and me getting to play the traditional grandparent role with visits, etc. But I can't trust she is not messing him up mentally and I can't let it happen without a fight. 
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I also worry about my gc's mental health and would have possibly found it easier to come to terms with if I knew that my udd was a good mother that has my gc's best interests at heart but it consistently hasnt always been the case.

I have contacted agencies about family law regarding grandparents rights and have found that nothing exists. Often I have felt that my expressed concerns just seem like Iam just being an overbearing gc, but I agree that our gc are worth the fight.  I really hope that you have more success than I did which Iam hopeful that you will as your gs lived with you which will hopefully make the difference.