He talks too much — It’s maddening!

[JazzSinger]

My HwuBPD talks so much, that sometimes I fear I’ll lose my mind!  The repetition of the same old stories is particularly irritating.  I think I’m dealing with early dementia as well as BPD, because the repetition of old stories is becoming more frequent.  I feel like screaming sometimes, but I don’t. 

I usually have earplugs in, as I secretly listen to something else. And I’ve learned to half- listen, only hearing key words that he might expect me to respond too. 

In general, he talks too much anyway. Whether he’s   criticizing me, or just talking in general, I find there’s little substance to his soliloquies.  He goes round and round, never making any concrete conclusions about anything. I’m thinking he just wants to hear his own voice.  As far as the repetition goes, he’s been repeating some of the same old stories, and declarations of things he’s planning to do,
for 20 years — He never changes. 

Recently, I found a therapist I can meet with every week.  I need the support. Particularly because as I’ve mentioned, we’re both seniors who rely on each other’s (fixed) incomes to enjoy a certain (financial) quality of life .  So I can’t leave. At 70+,  I have to find ways of coping.

Venting here helps a lot. I’m grateful for everyone on this website. 

Soon, when the weather gets a bit warmer where we are, I’ll take a 2 day vacation from him.  He’s already thinking I’m visiting a girlfriend, but I’ll spend one night with her, and one night in a hotel, for total ME time.

Sorry, but this man is lucky to have me or anyone in his life.    Also, I deserve better, but it is what it is.  Thank God for my friends and hobbies.

Thanks for listening.

Jazz

[Pook075]

So sorry it's not improving at home.  Therapy is a great change though and hopefully you're learning some coping skills.

[Notwendy]

I think it's a good thing that you have a therapist for support. It's important to have support.

I wonder if this is a form of self soothing and dealing with difficult emotions and also shame?

As children, we learn to self talk to emotionally regulate and help with decisions. Children start this by talking out loud and then the voice is an internal conversation. We do this all the time, make decisions, go over things, in our own minds.

My BPD mother had a lot of anxiety and the conversations seemed to be her talking at me. If I said something back to her, she seemed irritated by that. Sometimes after she'd talk to me she'd say she feels better. Sometimes she'd re-write history- change the narrative about something- perhaps that helped her to cope.

I think what is bothersome (in addition to how much) is that these are not typical conversations but seem to be talking at you. They are also repetitive because the feelings are. I think your ways of coping- ear plugs, not listening- and also not to take them personally- are helpful. I also think you can have boundaries about how much you can listen- and you are doing that.

I think you are being rational about what is a necessity as well- economically sharing is better than the two of you being on your own- while finding ways to cope and take care of yourself in this situation.

[JazzSinger]

So sorry it's not improving at home.  Therapy is a great change though and hopefully you're learning some coping skills.

Thanks, Pook075. 

I’ve only had 3 sessions, and therapy is already helping tremendously.  I’ve been given more coping techniques, and it’s a wonderful outlet.

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

I think it's a good thing that you have a therapist for support. It's important to have support. .

I think what is bothersome (in addition to how much) is that these are not typical conversations but seem to be talking at you. They are also repetitive because the feelings are. I think your ways of coping- ear plugs, not listening- and also not to take them personally- are helpful. I also think you can have boundaries about how much you can listen- and you are doing that.

I think you are being rational about what is a necessity as well- economically sharing is better than the two of you being on your own- while finding ways to cope and take care of yourself in this situation.

NotWendy,

Thank you. The therapy helps a lot.

I never thought about it — he IS talking AT me. I think sometimes I’ll need to get up and walk away, if it feels like too much.  I can just make an excuse, and get up and go to the bathroom.  I can’t just sit and take it all the time — it’s like a beating, and I’m not a punching bag.  Also, he gets angrier, no matter what I say in response. So I try to keep my mouth shut and just let it pass, but I’m human — I sometimes remind him how many times I’ve heard this.  I’m doing the best I can, under the circumstances. 

I need as much support as I can get. 

Thanks again.

Jazz

[Gerda]

My mom and ex husband would do the same thing, so maybe it is a common thing with people with BPD.

My mom used to talk on the phone at me for hours until I finally went no contact with her for a while. We're talking 3 or 4 hours of her just going on and on about whatever was bothering her that day until my phone got hot and/or ran out of battery. She'd also send long, multi-page emails until I blocked her email address. A few years ago I got back into limited contact with her, and now sometimes she gets upset and sends me extremely long text messages that I try not to respond to.

One of the first  I had with my now ex-husband was that he'd do a similar thing, except since we lived together he'd do it in person. Many times he'd keep me up until 2 or 3 am ranting.

With both of them at first I thought maybe they'd just wear themselves out, but they really can go for 4, 5, maybe 6 hours. I could NEVER talk nonstop for that long! I don't know how they have the energy for it.

I worry that now that I've left my husband he might start using our daughter to fill that role.

I can imagine that the dementia that your husband might be experiencing would just make it worse. Even without dementia, my husband would get to the point where he'd be repeating the same thing over and over. After several hours I'd point out to him that he's making the same point he's already made five times, but that still wouldn't get him to stop.

You really do just have to get up and walk away. I found out that the only thing I could do to get my mom to stop was to hang up on her, and the only thing I could do to get my husband to stop was to threaten to leave and go spend the night at a hotel or something. Otherwise they really will keep on going for who knows how long.

[CC43]

That must be maddening indeed.  I have a loved one who is a talker--she uses talking to vent her frustrations.  She could tell me the same story three or four times in the same conversation, a dozen times in the same week, and fifty times in a month, typically with repetitive phrases and wording.  Even if I say, yes, you already told me, she'll nevertheless repeat it.  You see, she's not interested in communicating, or even a conversation; she's not interested in what my opinion is at all.  She needs to VENT.  And it can get tiring.  So when I've had enough, I'll say I have to run (which is true 99% of the time anyway).  While I understand how it can be comforting to lend an ear, there's a limit to how much I can take, especially given my personality.  When I'm trying to cope with setbacks, I'm more of a doer, a mover, not a talker.  I do better if I take a walk or swim, or get a change of scenery.  Sometimes I'll clean my environment, to have a productive outlet and to reclaim some semblance of control.  For me, talking repetitively only seems to make it all worse, because I can get stuck thinking about the unfairness/injustice/pain of it all, rather than accept the situation, learn from it and move on.  But I understand that not everyone thinks this way, especially people with BPD.  I get that it can be frustrating!  You don't want to be someone else's toxic waste dump.  I've probably said before, you could say something like, Time to check the laundry, and make a quiet escape.  Put on those headphones, close the door, and get some distance.  He can talk to himself all he wants, but you don't have to endure it.  In fact, my husband interrupted me three times this morning as I was trying to complete a task.  I had to close the door to get on with things. 

[JazzSinger]

it can get tiring.  So when I've had enough, I'll say I have to run (which is true 99% of the time anyway).  While I understand how it can be comforting to lend an ear, there's a limit to how much I can take, especially given my personality.  

You don't want to be someone else's toxic waste dump.  I've probably said before, you could say something like, Time to check the laundry, and make a quiet escape.  Put on those headphones, close the door, and get some distance.  He can talk to himself all he wants, but you don't have to endure it. 

CC43,
Thanks so much for sharing.

I definitely need to walk away. I can neither be a dump, nor a (verbal) punching bag.  It’s too much.   

If I excuse myself, I’m less likely to get frustrated.  I think this is the only way to handle it.  We are both seniors on fixed incomes, so I can’t afford to leave.

I’m thankful that he doesn’t do this all the time.  On the other hand, I think he does it at least once a day, so I guess that’s a lot.

It’s upward and onward for me. It’s not easy, but  I refuse to let him break me. 

Thanks again.

[JazzSinger]

You really do just have to get up and walk away. I found out that the only thing I could do to get my mom to stop was to hang up on her, and the only thing I could do to get my husband to stop was to threaten to leave and go spend the night at a hotel or something. Otherwise they really will keep on going for who knows how long.

Gerda, thank you.

BTW, I’m don’t know how my husband can talk for so long either. If there is a point to anything he’s saying, he either makes it 10 million times over, or he NEVER makes it, which is his excuse for going round and round. It’s extremely difficult to endure. 

I done with it.  I’m going to start excusing myself and walking away. 

Thanks again. 

[CC43]

PS:

Sometimes I escape to our lovely public library. You could say, I have to return a book/video to the library, and it would be true!  Bring along some reading, sort through bills, answer some emails (I often work offline and then send emails when I get home). Or you could curl up with a magazine or newspaper, or just browse. Maybe you listen to some music on your headphones. It doesn’t cost money to do this, and you might enjoy the break

[JazzSinger]

PS:

Sometimes I escape to our lovely public library. You could say, I have to return a book/video to the library, and it would be true!  Bring along some reading, sort through bills, answer some emails (I often work offline and then send emails when I get home). Or you could curl up with a magazine or newspaper, or just browse. Maybe you listen to some music on your headphones. It doesn’t cost money to do this, and you might enjoy the break

Thanks again, CC43.

I try to get out often. I also love seeing movies by myself, and we have a theater right across the street. 

My next venture is to hotel nights — Two days of peace, without him. I’m looking forward to doing that soon.

Jazz

[ForeverDad]

Your library probably has wifi or computers that you can access to be online there.

My Motto:
Ask and you'll probably receive;
Don't ask and for sure you won't receive.