Not sure what to do... D behavior is at an all time high...

[Jnel921]

This is my first post, I am hoping to find some support, good advice and some kind of guidance to help me.
My D who is 19 has had a series of behavioral problems since she was 12. At first I was told she had ODD. As she got older it was BPD traits and abandonment issues. However she never continued the therapy to help her with this disease.

I have struggled with her over the years. She was always getting in and out of trouble at school. Always had huge fights with me and over time and would become disrespectful. We tried to give her chances to change. She would even try to negotiate her own punishments. But this did not work. No matter what we said she didn't want to listen. If she got in trouble she didn't want to hear it. Last year we bought her a car to go to an Esthetics school that we enrolled and paid for. This is what she said she wanted to do. The first week of school she became angry when we reprimanded her breaking our rules so she left home and did not come back, this was 9 weeks ago. So as of now no car and no school.

We spent many years dealing with her rollercoaster of emotions and bad behavior. It seemed like each year the situation got worse and worse. She was also smoking pot against our wishes and said she does this to help her cope with her emotions, which  believe gets worse with the drug use. She would hang out with bad crowds. We knew none of her friends and those that we did were almost all bad influences as she broke every rule known to parenting. She couldn't keep a job. There was always someone at work who had it in for her. She had a BF a few years back who cheated on her and she refused to let that relationship go although he made it clear that he was done with her. Since her 18th Birthday she has continued contacting him and allowing him to use her every now and then, even getting an STD from him. It was treatable however upsetting that she is doing this.

She has also been in and out of other relationships since. When she left in December she moved in with someone whom she just met. The guy is controlling, manipulating and hitting her and she doesn't want to leave or feels she cant. She has called twice saying she wanted to come home and then changed her mind within the hour. She doesn't know what she wants but she is getting and going nowhere with this guy. He has broken her phone, tossed her drivers license and has even broken her glasses and she is visually impaired. With all that being said and done to her she wont leave. Its like one minute she hates him and in the next breathe all she says she is good. She says she wants to get her life together but she wont come home. I am not sure if asking/begging helps. We text and have Face Timed but she has always reacted negatively to most things I say. Even telling me not to ask her any questions. What kind of relationship are we supposed to have? I feel like I have to watch my words or she will shut me down. This is so hurtful I am not sure what else to do or say. I want her home, i want her safe, sane and in treatment.

All of this has taken its toll on me mentally and physically. I now take high blood pressure pills. I am trying to get my life back but its hard. The worry overwhelms me sometimes.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

Hello love , I just wanted to say hello and offer a supportive hug . I don't have any advice to offer , just a big to say I'm right there with you x my own BPD DD 17 is flinging every BPD trait at us right now ... Self harm , drugs , boyfriend hell , promiscuity , court case pending , about to get kicked out of online school , hospitalizations , verbal abuse and anger off the chart , lying ... You name it . I'm exhausted . At this moment , I'm dreaming of when she moves OUT of our home ! But I know in my heart , my worries will only get worse when I can't keep an eye on her and protect my diva .
Welcome to the family here , you have come to the right place for support and advice xxx

[Jnel921]

Thanks Yep. I have to say a part of me feels a little bit of peace since she has been out of my home. But a part of me is constantly worried as I know that she needs help. She is very emotional and because of the limitations (no phone, no glasses and no ID) she does not make it a point to try an reach out to me in any other way. If I don't initiate she wont respond. I have been reading up on how to handle her using Validation. However, I find it hard to walk on eggshells with her as most of what she says sometimes is pure rudeness and nastiness. How am I supposed to validate that?

[Saskia]

Well, she has moved out with her boyfriend and I have helped a lot financially which has to slowly stop its killing me, but I cannot live with her anymore I feel suicidal sometimes.
But I worry when I don't hear from her, it like a crazy obsession

[Jnel921]

Saskia, if she is living with her boyfriend why do you feel you need to help financially ? I am still not familiar in dealing with BPD very well but when my D asked me to replace the items destroyed by her new BF whom I do not know I said no. I want to establish boundaries where she understands she cannot use me. She made the choice to leave, I didn't ask her to. I am sure you probably feel paying for a little bit of peace makes sense, but it may just be enabling and would not help to change the way your D thinks.

As much as you want my D home I can say that he face the same struggles. But I feel my D has to learn some life lessons if she is not in therapy.

[joeramabeme]

Well, she has moved out with her boyfriend and I have helped a lot financially which has to slowly stop its killing me, but I cannot live with her anymore I feel suicidal sometimes.
But I worry when I don't hear from her, it like a crazy obsession

Saskia - your comment reminds of the dynamics that setup between my sister and mother.  My Mom continued to help my sister even after she had moved out of her place and on her own.  I spoke with my Mom about why she felt obliged to do this and as best as I could tell, my Mom felt obliged to help her because she assumed total responsibility for decisions that my sister independently made. 

I suspect my Mothers feelings about being responsible were magnified due to past events.  It looked to me like guilt and as a result of that, her felt overly responsible and wanted to fix the past. 

Fast forward from a few years ago, my Sister has been fine without my Mothers help and though my Mom did struggle a lot with it at first, she has come to a place where she has a good relationship with my Sister.

Can you see where your relationship with your daughter will work out?  I know it can be difficult, but there is hope for a good outcome.

How are you feeling about it all today?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey  Everyone:  

I'm so sorry some of you are having a tough time.   I wanted to offer some resources that might be helpful for some of you.  It can be good to have some resources handy, for when we need them.  

The Safety First link below has information for dealing with domestic violence and handling suicidal thoughts.  

SAFETY FIRST
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

When you are having a bad day, it can help to have some tools to change your thought pattern and mood.  The two links below have some options to consider to change the moment for you.  Emotions can change rapidly, and we can do some healthy things to help us work through them.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT WORKSHEET
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

PANIC LIST
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

The first link below could lead to some resources for someone outside of the US.  The last 2 links are for use within the US. Sometime, just reaching out to talk to a listening ear can make you feel better.

INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE RESOURCES
www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE - US
www.suicidepreverntionlifeline.org/#

TEXT CRISIS LINE
www.crisistextline.org/how-it-works/

Take care.