Of course this is my luck - working with exBPD

[Me88]

So I finally feel less than dead. I'm doing everything I can, and chose to still talk to my therapist for a bit. I journal. Exercise like crazy. Eating healthy. I've lost 15lbs of bloated grossness from drowning my sorrows in alcohol, which I've stopped as well.

In looking at my bosses calendar today she has a meeting with the facility to discuss space options for my ex and a few others. My ex was initially in the office directly next to mine, sharing a wall. When things were good, it was fun, random kisses throughout the day and all. Now it seems like hell.

With the return to office orders in place by the government, they are shuffling offices around.

I CANNOT AND WILL NOT WORK BY HER EVER AGAIN. This wasn't two people moving on due to one wanting kids, moving across the country or a normal reason.

I've been punched by her, she's called the cops on me in my own home, years of verbal abuse, splitting and emotional carnage. No, no and more no. It's time to actually grow a backbone and enforce my boundaries. This isn't 'be an adult' or 'just be professional'. I cannot imagine if things were switched, they'd make a woman work near her prior abuser.

Given space limitations I imagine she might somehow end up here again. I'm so angry suddenly.

[kells76]

I'd be activated and angry, too, if I found out that the pwBPD in my life (my husband's kids' mom) were going to work right next to me. Distraction and anxiety would be an understatement 

Last year I did worry that she and her husband (uNPD) might show up at my work; I'd had to call CPS about some things the kids told us were going on at their house.

I emailed my manager, my supervisor, and HR to give them a heads up that while I didn't know exactly what would happen or when, they needed to know there was an active CPS investigation and it was possible that the kids' mom & stepdad might contact my workplace by phone, email, or in person. Email meant there was a timestamped "paper trail" of my concern.

Getting ahead of the curve could be smart for you. I wonder if you can email HR and cc anyone relevant in management, stating your concern and suggesting ways to solve the problem. Having it "on the record" before anything happens would seem to go in your favor.

You could play it "low key" at first:

"Hi Manger & HR;

Thanks for working on logistics for RTO. I'm looking forward to collaborating in person again.

You may already know that Ms. Ex and I used to work next to each other, and had been in a relationship that ended on Month/Day/Year. Due to incidents within that relationship, it would be better for productivity and efficiency for us to work [at least X distance apart, on separate floors, in separate buildings, in different departments...].

Please reach out any time if you require supporting documentation such as legal paperwork or police reports, or contact with professionals such as psychologists. If I don't hear back from you by end of day Friday, I'll reach out to ensure we have a workable plan going forward.

Best;

Me88"

That is a fairly neutral, businesslike email, that stays out of the blame game and focuses on solving the problem. I purposefully didn't write it as "I can't work next to her because______" because that can sound like you're the problem, like you aren't allowed to be near her. It also hints that this isn't just you "not liking an ex"; there is a lot more there (documentation, legal stuff, psychologist, etc). And it has a due date in there so you aren't left hanging.

If you get a cooperative response from that, then great. If not, then you could step it up to factually stating why it's a bad idea to have her based near you.

...

It's time to actually grow a backbone and enforce my boundaries. This isn't 'be an adult' or 'just be professional'. I cannot imagine if things were switched, they'd make a woman work near her prior abuser.

Given space limitations I imagine she might somehow end up here again. I'm so angry suddenly.

Sounds like you are activating to take care of yourself. That can be a good thing.

[Me88]

Thanks for the response. My boss knows just enough that she moved her to a building just across the way, still too close for my liking but better than having a shared wall. I'd die.

I will see what they decide...I cannot back down on this. If necessary I'll get the police report, pull in my therapist/psychologist, etc. She can't just go on living life with no repercussions. You don't just do these things and get off like it never happened. She can twist it however she wants, but that pathetic police report should be evidence enough on how emotionally reactive she is.

Thankfully I haven't had one run-in since December 13th when I decided to leave. I have no issues sharing a broader story of what I had been through, which should be more than enough to let people know she is not allowed in here. I hate that our services work together, since she's at every damn lunch/potluck/etc. which I now avoid. I can't see her smiling and laughing it up with everyone like life is so perfect. Where I'm here in therapy and all.