Granddaughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

This is my first post. My middle daughter has always been emotional. She is divorced with a teen daughter. My husband and I have always tried to be there for her growing up and since. We have taken care of our granddaughter a lot. She stayed with us weeks at a time. Now my daughter has decided I am horrible. I’m trying to take her daughter away. We are banned from all contact with them. I am lucky that I have maintained a good relationship with her ex. My granddaughter has kept many things from him to protect him from my daughter but she has finally started confiding in him. He is keeping us aware on how our granddaughter is doing. She doesn’t believe her mom but goes along with her to keep peace. I miss my granddaughter but it is a relief not to be in my daughter’s drama. I am seeing a therapist and I know we have been enabling my daughter’s condition but we were trying to help our granddaughter. It’s nice to have a place I can go to.

[Tornup]

This is my first post. My middle daughter has always been emotional. She is divorced with a teen daughter. My husband and I have always tried to be there for her growing up and since. We have taken care of our granddaughter a lot. She stayed with us weeks at a time. Now my daughter has decided I am horrible. I’m trying to take her daughter away. We are banned from all contact with them. I am lucky that I have maintained a good relationship with her ex. My granddaughter has kept many things from him to protect him from my daughter but she has finally started confiding in him. He is keeping us aware on how our granddaughter is doing. She doesn’t believe her mom but goes along with her to keep peace. I miss my granddaughter but it is a relief not to be in my daughter’s drama. I am seeing a therapist and I know we have been enabling my daughter’s condition but we were trying to help our granddaughter. It’s nice to have a place I can go to.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome- that's such a tough position to be in and I am so thankful that my BPD daughter can't have children.

I don't have any direct advice except to remember that "this is for now, not for forever."  Your daughter will need you soon enough and your relationship will have another chance for a reset.  Use this site to learn how to set firm boundaries while also showing love and compassion- it's certainly not an easy thing to learn.  But you'll get there in time and hopefully the relationship does improve.

[Notwendy]

This is a difficult situation and yes, your daughter may change her mind at some point.

It is good that you have a good relationship with the child's father. Be careful to not triangulate (vent about the mother) and keep this focused on the grandchild. Does the father have some custody? Is it possible for you to be in contact with the grandchild while she is with him?

That she "doesn't share" with her father to protect him. This shows a lot of awareness on her part- as well as some role reversal- it's not the child's job to protect a parent- the other way around, but she's doing this as a way to manage in her situation. That she knows better but is going along with her mother to keep the peace- this is how she's adapting. It's not an ideal situation for her but she's showing some maturity and perception here.

How old is she? It may be that time will help this situation. As a teen, I wanted to attend college- it was a path to independence as well as a way to get some distance from the family disfunction with a BPD mother. Once your grandaughter is 18, she will be able to make her own decisions about visiting you. Whatever her goals are- college, job, community college- you can then be a supportive adult for her in this context.

Don't underestimate your influence. A supportive adult is a resiliency factor. Your relationship with her is a good thing for both of you. Even with this interruption, there's still a significant relationship. Stay in contact, even if it's through the father.

[Tornup]

Thank you for your answers. My daughter is 14 almost 15. She has been the adult in this  situation since she was a toddler. I have contact thru my ex son in law. We don’t discuss my daughter, just my granddaughter. My daughter has told my granddaughter she can talk to her aunts. At least she will have some contact with our family.

[Notwendy]

Yes, the contact with family is good. If you can get the messages to her through them- on the tone of . "Grandma says hello and she loves you" - not about her mother, she will know you are thinking about her. Sounds like she knows what is going on with her mother. Hopefully this will turn around soon.

[Pook075]

My daughter is 14 almost 15.

That was supposed to be your granddaughter there, right?  Just making sure we understand the situation correctly.

I'm sure you've tried this already, but have you thought about trying to reconcile with your daughter, even if it's only for the "greater good?"  I don't mean apologizing for all the stuff she's blamed on you.  Instead, if you focused on her emotional rollercoaster of feelings and showed sympathy there, it could go a long way in finding some sort of communication.

That's ultimately what I did with my BPD daughter...we never talked about the blame of the past.  I just told her that I was sorry she's struggling and that i always did the best I could, and I never fully understood what she was going through emotionally.

It's a thought anyway.