I can't handle the chaos and distorted reality from my BPD daughter any more

[LucyToodle]

I am drowning in anxiety and depression as I try to navigate the relationship with my 34yo daughter with BPD. This has been a nightmare for the past 15+ years. Periods of estrangement, then periods of a subtle lull, while we all walk on eggshells. Then estrangement again, and I never know what I did to trigger it. She also has a 4yo boy, which we love, but never know if we will see him, so there is some detachment to guard my heart.
My other daughter is going through a divorce with a true narcissist (diagnosed by the therapist) and she is going through pure hell. Now my daughter with BPD (would never admit it) has started attacking me again. Of course this has to do with her distorted perception that I never loved her or supported her or been there for her, which is not true.
And please know, that I have read so much on how to deal with BPD over the past 5 years. I even read "I love you, please don't leave me" when she was a teenager and I had no idea what I was dealing with. I've used the SET method of communication, I've reminded myself of the 3 C's; I've spent many a night on Out of the Fog. This is not a matter of being uninformed on how to manage a relationship with someone with BPD.
Between the grief I'm experiencing as I walk through this ugly divorce with my other daughter and my 3 sweet grands and now the chaos being created by my younger daughter, I am emotionally exhausted.
I know that a fear of abandonment is a huge trigger for BPD, but I can't continue to do this and be there for my husband, my other daughter, and my adult son. BPDd tells us she is done, then when I've responded that we might need some space too, she spins it into me never loving her and hopes we will be able to learn how to respect and love her someday, as if we're the ones initiating the break. Yet, there is a never-ending rant of text messages. I literally start shaking when I see another text message pop up from her. We've had to block her in the past, and at one point considered filing harassment charges.
All of that being said, I guess I need to know how to gently (or bluntly) let her know that I can't engage with her anymore. I love her. I know she's not okay. I know she's hurting. But I just can't do this anymore. How do I do this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

I’m so sorry you’re at the end of your rope. Many parents on this site feel the same way.

I’d advise you take a break from your daughter for your own mental well-being. I don’t think you need to tell her, as that would be justifying and explaining, and we know here that JADE (justify, argue, defend and explain) doesn’t work when someone with BPD is riled up. What if you just stopped engaging with her when she sends mean texts?  If she calls, you can let it go to voicemail. If she doesn’t leave a message, the call isn’t urgent. If she leaves an abusive message, don’t respond. I’d say, only engage with her when her communications are civil, and treat all mean messages like spam. If the messages are too triggering for you, maybe you could ask your husband to read them for you, and ask him to delete the ones that are mean. You don’t deserve to be getting hate mail and junk mail all the time, but you can toss it in the bin where it belongs. I’d say, don’t dignify the mean messages with a response. Eventually your daughter might learn that sending mean messages doesn’t get her what she wants, which is attention and a rise out of you. Look at it this way—she’s on an emotional rollercoaster, but you can choose not to ride the rollercoaster alongside her, to preserve your own sanity. She might like the rollercoaster—it could be an emotional release for her—but you don’t like it at all. So don’t hop on board.

It seems to me that your daughter is lashing out precisely when your other daughter needs you—she is reclaiming your attention in my opinion. That’s very typical behavior for BPD. Does she always seem to have a meltdown or manufacture a new crisis when you are on vacation, busy during the holidays or sick?  That’s because you are diverting your attention to something else, and she’s demanding that you turn your attention right back to her. But even if you understand that, it probably doesn’t make you feel much better, because you’re already under so much stress. That’s why I think you need to take a break, at least for a while, and see if that helps.

[LucyToodle]

Thank you so very much for your reply. I was in tears as I read your response; you know my pain and the emotional exhaustion I am experiencing.
You are correct in regard to her lashing out when my attention is on her sister, when we are on vacation, and when I am "on the couch" with my fibromyalgia pain (which is ramped up to a 10 due to the stress of all of these situations.) Those are the times she threatens to harm herself.
She is currently in the victim mode with all of her texts. Claiming we have never loved her, we've never supported her, we just want her to be the "problem child", we have/are abusive to her, we are always mean to her, etc. Lots of "never" and "always" and complete amnesia about how we have supported her, loved her, been there for her. Which again, is a complete "alternate reality" as her brother says.
She tells me she will gladly remove herself from our family, she's not going to waste her time on us, to "go kick rocks", but then she continues to text me.
Another component is that she is married, but they have been separated for 4 years. However, she realized she can't live on her own or take care of herself, so she moved into his apartment. In the past she has cycled between lashing out at me and lashing out at him. It's definitely a rollercoaster for both of us.
My husband thinks I need to respond to her because she will continue to spiral downward if I don't give her something. Even if it's "I need space." I don't know how to do that or what to say. I would prefer to just leave it and not respond, but I understand where he is coming from. Oh how I want to have some peace and respite from the chaos.
Thanks again for your help. :-)

[kells76]

Hi LucyToodle and

It really does sound like you're drowning in family drama... so much stress at every turn. It's too much to juggle, for anyone 

Am I reading correctly that you have two daughters -- any other children?

How does your non-BPD daughter usually interact with your BPDd?

And what I'm most curious about is if you and your H are aligned on if/how each of you interacts with your BPDd? Do you think he has a little more emotional distance from her than you? And how does BPDd respond to him?

...

In high stress family situations where BPD is in the mix, regardless of who has BPD, getting parents on the same page with each other has the potential to remove some stress and to get the family pointed in a more effective direction. (My husband's kids' mom has many BPD traits, and there is definitely more stress in our family when H and I aren't aligned with parenting/stepparenting).

I wonder if here:

My husband thinks I need to respond to her because she will continue to spiral downward if I don't give her something. Even if it's "I need space." I don't know how to do that or what to say. I would prefer to just leave it and not respond, but I understand where he is coming from.

he could take over the "reach out to remind her of support" texts, instead of you?

You know your family best, so you'll know if that's feasible or not.

Ultimately, though, I'm thinking that the more you and your H are united on an approach, the "less bad" things might go for your family. Does that seem to fit, or is it off base?

...

Glad you found us;

kells76

[CC43]

Hi again,

If you feel you must acknowledge a text, you might try a short, simple, bland and noncommittal response, something like OK or Got it, the textual equivalent of a nod or uh-huh. Think gray rock—present, but bland and emotionless. But my opinion is if the texts from her are outrageous, it’s better not even to acknowledge it. She might regret sending those texts, and if you don’t acknowledge them, they are more easily forgotten, and later she can pretend that she didn’t hurt you. I’m willing to bet that all the horrible things she says reflect what she thinks about herself, not you, but she’s stuck in victim mode because it’s the only coping mechanism that she’s learned. It’s so much easier to blame others for her problems than to take responsibility for her life. She’s dependent on others and resents them for that.

[LucyToodle]

Am I reading correctly that you have two daughters -- any other children?
 |--->We have three adult children: 37yo Son, 36yo Daughter (divorce), 34yo Daughter (BPD) The two oldest have a completely different recollection of their childhood. There is not much contact between the older brother and BPD. It seems to be random and maybe once a month?

How does your non-BPD daughter usually interact with your BPDd?
 |--->They are not speaking now. Part of this started with a random email from BPD to sister that was very weird. NBPD responded and was very blunt and pushed back on BPD. Which then turned into a rant to sister and the rants to us. Completely unprovoked, but clearly triggered by her conversations with NBPD sister.

And what I'm most curious about is if you and your H are aligned on if/how each of you interacts with your BPDd? Do you think he has a little more emotional distance from her than you? And how does BPDd respond to him?
 |--->This has been part of the problem in the past. We are aligned mostly, because he has seen the hell I have been through with her. Sometimes he tries to downplay the texts though. He doesn't take them as personally as I do because I am always the target.

I wonder if here: he could take over the "reach out to remind her of support" texts, instead of you?
 |--->When he has responded to BPD, he gets a little soft in the heart and starts feeling sorry for her. Then he's the good guy and I'm the bad guy.
 |--->I did buy "I Hate You, Please Don't Leave Me" for HIM to read!

Ultimately, though, I'm thinking that the more you and your H are united on an approach, the "less bad" things might go for your family. Does that seem to fit, or is it off base?
 |--->Absolutely! I have really emphasized this time that we are not going to play the game. I just can't any more.

She does live out of town, so we don't have face-to-face conflict with her; it's just the onslaught of texts. However, we did not have a text for her yesterday...so we'll see how long this lasts.

Thanks again for your insight and wisdom. Y'all are such a big help!